The Ex Philosopher

Gap year

2011-04-22T16:18:00.000-07:00

In retrospect, what was needed immediately after quitting my job was a gap year. Yeah, that would have been a good idea. On the university's dime. Don't know what I was thinking. Probably wasn't thinking. Now I'm just scrambling to keep things together, when I might have been tanned, rested and ready to start another career.

first and final thoughts on Rocky Point

2011-04-11T11:21:00.000-07:00

Rocky Point is a shit hole/No doubt about it./once you get away from the beach/it is a broken town, waiting to be put out of its misery/Perhaps this is bcause it is offseason, and midweek/but that's when a place shows its true colors/naked and unadorned/still, i do like wandering a new place.don't ever forget that/if you need to shake things up/.it's always a way to keep yourself amuserd

Break Fast

2011-04-11T11:19:00.001-07:00

After seven days, I wondered what my first real meal might be/The beer and bran cereal last night doesn't really count/It was the breakfast buffett at the Pescano del Sol/Except that I had chicken instead of eggs/and felt the protein coursing through my veins/and yogurt, granola and mang0 (or papaya, I can never rememeber which is which)/and two pancakes for desert (so much for giving up white flour.

The masseuse from Maui

2011-04-08T05:02:00.000-07:00

The masseuse from Maui/doesn't like it much in Santa Fe/She's always cold/Been here a few months/had a gallery this winter/took in a st.john's student to help pay the rent/a chinese girl who'd been done wrong by some young Western bad boy/and was freaking out/stayed on her computer all day/asked the masseuse why she wasn't married or didn't have a kid/not in the cards this life, she said/had plenty of others before and after/so there's no rush

The form of life

2011-04-04T18:35:00.001-07:00

"The principle thing in life is its form. That which loses its form, ends itself, and its the same with our everyday existence."

--Chekov, Three Sisters

Day 1

2011-04-02T15:34:00.000-07:00

Well, I wake up this morning with no sense of where I am going to go, only that I will be gone for the next three weeks.I've already delayed my leaving a day, since I vowed to be out by April 1st. From somewhere it comes into my head that I am not ready to make any decision and decide to get an room by the airport for tonight. Realizing I would not be able to make a decision of which hotel, since it took all my energy just to come to this, I just go on hotwire and pick a 2 1/2 star hotel for $55, although with tax it ends up being close to $70. I decided I need to go on a hike first and so I start driving on I-10 and decide I am going to go to Picahcio Peak, which I've never climbed (and in fact am not even sure you can climb), but after driving for a while I realize it' s a lot farther than I thought, and when I see a sign for Saguaro National Park, I decide to go there instead, although I am not sure where exactly it will take me but hope it leads to a part of the park I know. In fact, I find a visitor center and a hike I did not know about, and so although it is hot, over ninety degrees, I have a nice hike. At the airport hotel, I am still considering the possibility for flights leaving the country. Indeed, that was one of the reason I got a hotel near the airport. I can't get out to Thailand until Tuesday but I could stay there until then. I could, however, leave for Cancun tomorrow for around five hundred dollars. Instead, I come up with the idea that I am going to do a purge or cleanse up in Santa fe, and start doing a google search and find a place that actually sells a ten day cleanse and I persuade myself that I will do this and now I only need to find a place to stay. At night, I go to the casino with the idea that I will see if I can play some Texas hold em. While waiting to get in a game I throw twenty bucks in a slot, and just as I am about to lose it all, I wint $200. Most I've ever won on a slot. I get in the poker game and winf fifty bucks in that, although I was up probably about $150 at one point. All in all, not a bad day. But what's next?

Been a while

2011-03-24T08:12:00.000-07:00

Well, it's been a while since I posted. The health situation with my father has been taking up most of my energy these past six weeks and caused me to put my plans on hold. It started with an anomoly on an exam for a totally unrelated matter. And now, after countless doctor visits including to three separate vascular surgeons, the result is that he has an lagre abdominal aortic aneruysm that for all intents and purposes is inoperable. The standard way to do this procedure would be to cut into the abdomen. But the doctors all agree that there is a good chance he would not survive the operation given his age and condition. Many AAA's can be treated endovascularly, by going in through the leg. But given the location of his aneurysm, the fact that it is attached itself to the kidney arteries, this is not possible. So now it is just a matter of time for it to burst. The thing is, it could be tomorrow, next month, next year or in five years. But in all likelihood, this is the thing that will kill him. And there is nothing that can be done in a non-surgical mode to treat it. So there is a case to be made that he might have been better off not knowing. In any case, this has pretty much consumed my energy this past month and a half--a saga that came to an end yesterday with a final verdict from one of the best vascular surgeons in the country.

Well, at least all of this kept me out of an earthquake. Before we started down this path I had actually booked a ticket to be in Japan for the month of March but cancelled it when this medical situation hit, so I missed out on being there for the earthquake. Having been fifty miles from the epicenter for the Sichuan earthquake of 2008, I was not sorry to miss it. I am not sure what my next move will be, but with this last verdict by the doctor at least some things are cleared up. Still awaiting a verdict in another case, but that's a long story I will tell at some point. For now, I have a half marathon to run this Sunday. More later

Syncronicity

2011-02-14T09:46:00.000-08:00

I think this would qualify as a case of Jungian synchronicity. I've already mentioned (I think) that I picked up a copy of The Third Chapter by Sara Lawrence-Lightfoot in one of my random bookstore browsing visits. The idea of the book--that there is a third chapter after one has completed a career and before retirment that many adults are actively pursuing--seemed to speak to my own condition. Indeed, I wish I had picked up the book a couple of years ago. This seems precisely what I am trying to do, put together a third chapter.

In any case, a woman that the author mentions is the anthropoligist and daughter of Margaret Mead, Mary Bateson. Just this weekend I listened to a program on Wisconsin Public Radio because I came across the information that it featured someone who had written a blurb for my book. And while I was downloading this podcast, I noticed another podcast in the series was titled something like "living longer, living better." So I downloaded that as well and lo and behold, the guest of this podcast i--Mary Bateson.

So here is a quote from Bateson in the book, The Third Chapter, as well as a rather lengthy but I think important introduction to the quote:

There may also be a need to rethink and rvise the ways in which people move through--and in and out of--work much earlier in their careers. Perhaps the practice of crossing the boundaries of work and rest, the habit of navigating transitions, and trying on new roles and personas, should be established earelier, allowing people to become familiar with, and adept at, reinventin themselves. Bateson suggests a kind of prophylactic attention to both continuity and discontinuity in life, a need for experiences of reflection that anticipat and help prepare for the Third Chapter:

"One way to go for both effective planning and for intellectual vitality, is to look at the years of adulthood well before standard retirement age and invent ways to build in a break, like a sabbatical leave, making it a norm rather than the exception...For some, such a break might become a transition to a differnt sphere of endeavor, public service, perhaps, or the full-time exploration of an avocation. But for many such a break may be simply a refreshment of mind and spirit, energy and creativity to be carried back to the existing career. . . Without such a break, adulthood has simply become too long except in a profession with a great deal of build in learning and diversity. Far too many adults burn out and then plod through their later years, prevented by institutions and financial structures from making new beginnings. We need to puncuate a way to end and begin chapters, to break up the run-on-sentences of the same-old-same-old."

All I can say is that these words truly speak to me. One might argue that academia is a profession taht does allow for "built in learning and diversity," and for many that might be the case. All I know is that I had run my course in that career. Indeed, I still think that except for someone who has had a life before coming to academia five year break at some point would be exactly the thing that is called for. But that's neither here nor there. It is time to me to look toward the other alternatives of either full time pursuit of avocation (writing) or another career (?).

If I could just get off of this LA freeway

2011-02-09T13:21:00.000-08:00

Reason for silence. Some very bad stuff happened in LA that I am simply not ready to talk about. Back in Tucson.

Peter in La, day 6

2011-01-30T17:05:00.000-08:00

A rare cloudy and rainy day in LA. Spent the morning in a coffee house in Santa Monica, walked down to the pier, drove out to Malibu, had a mahi mahi sandwhich at a nice restaurant overlooking the ocean.

Peter in LA, Day 5

2011-01-29T07:16:00.000-08:00

Went to the writers meetup today. There were six people in all. Two did most of the talking. These were the two Hollywood veteran. The woman, Vivian, had worked on some soaps maybe twenty years ago and now was trying to get back in after the death of her husband. She was great at using everyone's name whenever she spoke. "Now, as Peter was saying" or "What Jake was talking about." John was large man who spoke often and rapidly and you had to work to get a word in edgewise. There was one other real writer, Nicole, twenties, long auburn hair, who had been hired to work on something at AMC, though I could not determine what since she rarely spoke. The other three of us were mute and noncredited. Jake was a large and likable fellow who had moved down from Seattle, Mike was in his early twenties, thin and attractive, and had just arrived a week ago from New York. And moi.Felt pretty foolish and out of place when Vivian asked me what I was working on. "Specs" I said, using the only word I know from the television writing biz. What was I thinking?

Peter in LA, day 4, pt. 1

2011-01-28T05:23:00.000-08:00

The day does not start well. When I go out to make tea, I accidentally lock myself out of my roo, It is five a.m. I must now wait three hours (at least) until the office is due to open. Well, it could be worse.I am at least semi-decently dressed, have access to my food and the internet. Still, not a good sign. I have been reflecting on whether there exists some middle way between moving out to LA for six months and staying at my sister's in Tucson.Of course, moving out to LA for six months as itself supposed to be the middle way between travelling aimlessly for six months and stayin at my sister's house.Funny how that works. This idea occured to me last night as I was contemplating joining a runner's group for the LA marathon which has been going on for four months. They have been running weekly and the marathon is in two months. So it would be crazy to even ask to sign up, even though physically I could probably jump into the run. The same with the writer's group I had contacted. How to join a writer's group when you haven't written anything? So there is a theme here of moving too fast, although the sense that time is running out is certainly a motivation. In fact, the more I think about it, joining a marathon training group that already has been going on for four months is a pretty good metaphor for what I am trying to do with my life.

Peter in LA, Day 3

2011-01-27T21:27:00.000-08:00

Nothing on the rental front today, except the realization that I will either have to rent a shithole for six months or live with a roommate, neither scenario which excites me. And another mishap today. I decided this was going to be a day off from the rent search (not like there's ever been a day on exactly). So I was going to go to WB studios in the morning and then to Santa Monica in the afternoon. But I get the wrong directions off of mapquest so spent the morning misdirected but in fact did manage to find a new run in Griffith Park. So I went back to my room to regroup and made it to WB for the one o'clock show and then made it to Griffiths Park for a nice run up, up a mountain--the run shown to be by the guy the other day. So it turned out an ok day, though no closer to resolving the rental dilemma.

Peter in L.A. day 2

2011-01-26T16:59:00.001-08:00

Well, it has been an interesting day. I started by taking a walk/run up Runyon Canyon, not even knowing what the hell it was except a line on my map that looked like it went up into the hills, which it did, a beautiful winding uphill path with great views of the city which seems to serve as the prime dog walking spot in the area. After returning to the hotel room I made an appointment to see this residence hotel which I found on Craigslist. It's called Grammercy Place and as best as I can describe it it is a sort of hostel for adults, very reasonably priced at $210/wk for a two share bunk bed room. There is a common kitchen and laundry as well. I was more than happy to book a week here to carry out whatever the hell it is I plan to do here.

So I moved my meager belongings into yet another starnge room and headed out in the afteroon to explore a bit and drove up to Griffiths Park, an incredibl nature preserve in the midst of LA which I simply would not have imagined as being there. I wandered a couple almost empty trails, doubtless because it was the middle of the day and all respectable folks were working, but still I was amazed to find this greenery. On the way back I stopped at Ralphs, a large supermarket relatively nearby and loaded up on groceries. So excited was I to have the opportunity to prepare my own foods that I probably spent more than I would have if I had bought my meals out.

My search for housing was fairly meager today, but I explain that by the fact that I had to find housing for the upcoming week. I replied to a craigslist ad for a roommate in the nice part ofWest Hollywood around where I stayed last night. In addition, I telephoned someone about a posting for a studio near USC. The studio it turns out will not be shown for another week while the guy with the roommate situation has not responded. All in all, a productive day--in one sense of the term.

Peter in L.A., day 1

2011-01-26T16:49:00.000-08:00

For a long time the plan hade been to drive down the Baja penisula. But not only did the prospect of a long road trip not excite me. But truth be told, I was a little bit nervous about driving around Mexico. I am not sure exactly when the plan to go to LA popped into my mind. I think it was one too many self-help books inciting me to seek out my passion. And, truth be told, if I were to name my ideal job, it would be screenwriting. So at some point in the past week or two I started to think about the possibility of moving out to LA for six months and try to see what I could learn about writing for television. I think this idea was primarily borne out of a desire to stay in one place and do one thing as well. The main drawbacks are the expense and futility of the endeavor. The things going for it are that it would allow me to stay in one place and work on one thing.

So I spent hours and hours trying to come up with a plan, searching for a place to stay and some sort of plan of what I would do in LA. I did not necessarily think I would be moving out there, but I at least wanted to go through the motions. So I decided to get a cheap place where I could stay for three or four days and get a feel for things. It would at least get me out of Arizona and moving. However, things went wrong from the starte. It turns out that the hostel I had booked to stay in would not take domestic travelers, so I had to scramble in the late afternoon after driving for seven hours and find a place to stay and wound up staying in some place that cost 3-4 times what the hostel would have cost. I can't even tell you the name of the hotel. It is somewhere on Sunset Boulevard. Not sure what to do tomorrow except that I know I can't afford to stay at this place, which is actually at ($70/night) one of the cheaper places around.

Crossing Boundaries

2011-01-21T20:05:00.001-08:00

The Third Chapte is not a continusation of where we have been. It means moving into a different dimension, crossing the border into new territories. Several of the women and men I interviewed claim that their experience of "boundary crossing" instigated newlearning. They speak about boundary crossings in many ways--crossing disciplinary boundaries, crossing the boundaries between art and science, crossing geographical boundaries, crossing the boundareis between work and play. As they naviage the borders, they are forced to learn new skills, take on different tempermental styles, try on new personas, learn how they learn, and reinvent themselves. In navigating these boundaries, people begin to enlarge their repertoire, their range of choices, perspectives and frameworks--their ways of being in the world. They become more layered and multidimensional. In the end, boundary crossing often leads to surpising and paradoxica results. Rather than living and learning on one side or the other side of hte border, forsaking one to join the other, people speak about resisting the either/ors and finding a way to incorporate bothe relams. Ultimately they do not have to choose between divergent paths; they can decide to embrace both. The new learning involves synthesis and integration; the border corssers travel far but never leave home

quote of the day

2011-01-21T18:58:00.001-08:00

"All changes, even the most longed for, hae their melancholy; for what we leave behind is part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can be born to enter another."--Anatole France

The Third Chapter

2011-01-21T18:47:00.000-08:00

Much of the coping with discontinuity has to do with discovering threads of continuit. You cannot adjust to change unless you can recongize some analogy between your old situation and your new situation. Without that analoyg you cannot transfer learning. You cannot apply skills. If you recognize a problem that you've resolved before, in however different guise, you have a uch greater chance of soliving that problem in the new situation...In composing the Third Chapter, then, we need to create a narrative that seeks to discover and then emphasize the connectin, the similarties, the transpostions from one chapter to the next rather than one that underscores the death of one and the birth of the other ...unless you can find ways to relearn and recycle, you are left with the model of hittin gbottom and starting over. This is the model where you reach a certain point and you are converted, you are boren again, and you completely leave your old life behind...what is importnat is to use the experience up to now, the skills, the learning, to aproach the moment of transition with some memory of what has been learned before, adn therefore the knowledge of what new learning felt like(27-8)

Comment: This makes a lot of sense. There are no clean breaks or fresh starts at this point, which is as it should be. In a way, what is being advocated here is nothing more than the middle way.In fact, as I think about my writing projects, beginning with the current one on the China discussion group, they are in a way an attempt to bring the philosophical training into the world

One alternative

2011-01-21T09:28:00.000-08:00

So I was reading some of my fellow bloggers on chinalovematch.net when I came across one who was describing his most recent sojourn into Thailand: "It was still early, but a few bar patrons began filtering in on their small motorbikes. A man arrived shortly after me and sat one stool away, so I struck-up conversation. Howard, 52, was from California and had sold his small Web design company. He was now enjoying life travelling and staying on the “Cheap” in a small guesthouse much cheaper than mine. His motorbike was rented for 150 Baht/$5 USD a day providing great freedom to explore at will. December and January was perfect motorbike weather, warm to hot, but not too humid with prevailing breezes off the Andaman Sea."
--I need to remember this is always possible, simply traveling, traveling simply. And it might even seem to be where things are headed given the Rolf Potts quote and the chance the unknown text.

When completely stuck, chance the unknown

2011-01-19T14:02:00.000-08:00

"This advice to chance the unknown rquires two things: (1) you're really stuck, meaning that you have absolutely no idea of what you want to do with the rest of your life, and nothing I've shared so far is particularly helpful; and (2) you've tot that internal, green-light indictor saying, "Hey, I could handle some huge life changes right now, and I could make them without jeopardizing my present responsibilities." If these two criteria are met, then consider chancing the unknown. And by this, I mean consider making a major life change--moving to a new city, state or country; going back to school; or changing your career. Assuming you've tot that inner green light and you are not going to burn any bridges in your immediate circle, take the big leap. By making a huge life change, you exponentially increase the opportunity that the Universe will have to reach into your life, make adjustments, and show you new possibilities."
---from "Manifesting Change" by Mike Dooley

The Passion Test

2011-01-19T12:22:00.000-08:00

Toda's self-help book is The Passion Test by Janet and Chris Atwood. The first part of the passion test is to make a list of your passions, 10-15 things that you absolutely love
1. First make a list of at least ten of the most important things you can think of that would give your life a joy, passion and fulfillment. Begin each one with a verb related to being, doing or having, which completes the sentence: "When my life is ideal, I am_______" Close your eyes and picture your ideal life. What are you doing? Who are you doing it with? Where are you? Make this list, realizing it is just a first list. Let your list sit for a while. Come back to it in a few hours, or tomorrow.
2. Identify which are the most important using the following guidelines
a. If you had to choose between having the first passion and the second passion, which would youtake?
b. Continue comparing the one you choose with the next one until you go through the entire list. The one you end up with is your first choice
c. Go through the remainder of the list in the same fashion until you identify your five most important passions

2.

Simplicity

2011-01-15T12:57:00.000-08:00

Indeed, the freedom to go vagavondng has never been determined by income level; it's found through simplicity--th conscious decision of how to use what income you have. And, contrary to opopular stereotypes, seeking simplicity doesn't require that you become a monk, a subsistence forager, or a wild-eyed revolutionary. Nor does it mean that you must unconditionally avoid the role of consumer. Rather, simplicity merely reuires a bit of personal sacrifice: an adjustment of your habits and routines within the consumer society itself. At times, the piggest challenge in embracing simplicity will b3e the vague felling of isolation that fcomes with it, since private sacrifice doesn't garner much attection in the frenetic world of mass culture."

--from Vagabonding, Rolf Potts

Risk Reflection

2011-01-12T11:50:00.000-08:00

1.Consider a creative dilemma you are facing now: what is the dilemma?
2. Consider how you might tackle it in the most exciting, interesting and innovative ways you can imagine. Don't censor yourself in any way. Don't let shoulds or should nots come into play. Don't allow the practical to rear its head. Simply allow yourself to play an imagine. Write and doodle in your sketchbook all the ideas and images that come to mind
3. Identify where the risks are and fully imagine the impact of those risks. What do you fear might happen? What is your worst-case scenario if you were to move forward?
4. Decide which of those risks is smallest. What could you do to manage the smallest risk?
5. Continue to examine risks in order of severity and come up with strategies.
6. Record thoughts and feelings about how and whether to proceed

Risk Taking

2011-01-12T11:45:00.000-08:00

The section on risk taking advises us to take smallar risks rather than larger ones. Don't quit your day job is probably sound advice, but it'sobviously too late for that. It does relate the story of a woman who quit her career in the children's publishing business at about my age and my financial situation. Things turned out well for her--not working out so well here. Anyway one of the exercises is to create a 2 week plan of small risks

Day----------Risk---------------------------Why it's risky

A Creative Dilemma

2011-01-12T11:43:00.001-08:00

A Creative Dilemma
--Arises out of tension between our current reality and a sensed that things can be different
--Presents a choice between a known and an unknown
--Poses the question: Do I act or not act on this choice?
--Is resolved by our commitement to create something in our lives that did not exist before
--Launches us into the exploration dimension

Becoming a Life Change Artist

2011-01-12T11:38:00.000-08:00

The subtitel for this book is: 7 Creatvie Skills to Reeinvent yourself at Any Stage of Life. It uses the careers of great artists as models we can use to change our own lives. These seven skills are: Prepartion, Seeing, Using Context, Embracing Uncertainty, Risk Taking, Collaboration and Discipline

Final Exercises

2011-01-10T13:59:00.000-08:00

1.Take all the information you have gahered about yourself and study it. Based on you rnew insighs aboutwho you are, come up with a list of whats. By tis I mean make a list of all the possible packages (jobs, careers roles) that yoou who cold fit into. Alllow the list ot be as varied as possible. The onlcriteria is that it be soemthing you would be atracted todoing.

2. Take your list of possible packages an, as you consider each obe, ask yoruself it if really interest you enough to keep it on the list...go downthe list and elimnate packages you dont relaly see yourself commtting to

3. Research

Another quote

2011-01-10T13:54:00.000-08:00

"How do you knowyou've found it? How do you know if you've uncovered a sense of pupose that can move you forward? There are two simple criteria. One is that your purpose is something that rquires no retraining. YOu are instantly qualified to perform it, becauseit has been part of you allalong. Granted, if you were to make a career of it, you might need some formal training or license, but for the most part it is something you can immediately do in some form...The secon criterin is that our purpsoe is osmething that ipacts other people. It is an answer to howyou serve th whole...You will immediately feel differtntly abouyour life and your situation when you start living from a sense of purpose every day.

Exercise: Jot dwon a list of who's:Who would you liket o become as you move forward? What sort of person would you like to be?

The Essence of Dream

2011-01-10T13:51:00.000-08:00

Bring forth the burning dream or desire you have withn you now, or one that you had to abandon a long time ago. Alternatively, you might write down all the things you have dreamed of doing at one tie or another and look for what they have in common...Take pen to paper and ask yourself: what would be (or would have been) posssible if I became successful at mydreamss/...Answer and pay specific attention to how you would impact other peple and the owrld if you were to sccueed at the package you have choset. What would be possible for people or the world if you had scceeded at your dram.YOu answer will yiled th yokd, the essence of what your dream relalyrepesntes...

Package------------------Essence

Another quote

2011-01-10T13:48:00.000-08:00

"The mistake that we make is that we focus on the package and, for most of us, the package is rigid. Being a broadcater, b business person, a world travelr, a parent, or whatever your dream is does nto leave room for negotiation. YOu either become that thing or you don't. But when you focuse on the essence of the dream, you are dealing with something malleable. You are dealing with who you get to be by doing it.It can fit in many other packages and come in many forms. It canmove.A rigid dreamcannot. Tus it is no the dreams form you necesarly want as much as what you thnk the dream offers

NW quorw

2011-01-10T13:45:00.001-08:00

The first step out of anything is to start being fully who you are, even udner the pressure, disain, or misery of your current situation or job. It requires no job search or life planning, which makes it the most aailable and immediate option you have. YOu've got nothing ot lose by trying to right a situation that is so wrong.If this technique fails, you will have all the o=confirmation you need that it istime to do something abu th situaiton anyway.. take the next step. Correct what doesn't work.

Now What: Ex 1

2011-01-10T13:40:00.000-08:00

Put pen to paper and take a journey from the past to the present. Start from teh beginning and document your life. Use bullet points instead of writing prose...Include significant accomplishmetns from as far back as you remember, and also jobs and roles you filled thourhout your life. Include loves, hobies and epereinces that formed you: moving, divorces, births, job changes, challenges, milestones, acheivments. WHen you are don, read a=it throuhg and abosrb each stage and start looking for clues.

Now that I think of it

2011-01-10T13:29:00.000-08:00

Now that I think of it, it might have been an interesting use of that month in the cabin to buy a bunch of self-help books and pore over them and write something up about it.Could have been a good use of that month. As it were, it seems right now to have been a waste.

Now What

2011-01-10T13:25:00.000-08:00

"I have seen time and again that there is a surprise disappointment indoing nothing and being needed nowhere. I find this especially grue for men, who often crete their whole identities around work. If they find themslves without being needed by a workplacc, they can feel very disorinted and often worhtless."'

"Saying good-bye to the package will be harder than taking stock of your net gain from your experience. The reason for this is that we have culutually learned to atach more value, and inherently our self-worth, to the package than we have to the growht that came with it. This is why we get so much oppostion from the people in our life when we decide to move away from something that seems to be working well for the people who are watching our lvies--for example, giving up what looks like a successful career that is in reality making you miserable."

-from "Now what: 90 days to a new life direction"

Reading Lyotard

2011-01-10T12:50:00.000-08:00

So while I am at Borders I am also reading and taking notes for the Postmodernism course I am supposed to teach in the fall. Currently I am reading Lyotard's The Postmodern Condition. ON the one hand, I do find all this stuff sort of fascinating because it is all new to me. As someone trained in the anlaytic tradition, I have dismissed most of this postmodernism stuff. But it is actually pretty interesting. On the other hand, I do have this "doctor, my brain hurts" feeling and right now really feel as if this is not the time to be engaging the analytical part of my brain.

Stuck in Unstuck

2011-01-10T12:11:00.000-08:00

In Borders reading self-help books again. At random I pick up a book, Unstuck, which is supposed to be "Your Guide to the Seven Stage Journey out of Depression." But it seems pretty worthless. I turn to the chapter called "Surrend to Change" which starts in a promising manner. It promises to demonstrate how "letting go of control can actually move you forward in your journey. I think, sure, this sounds right. In a sense I have been trying to control things by trying to come up with a plan, even though up to this point I haven't been able to. But the chapter is about meditation, yoga and exercise. Which I am sure are all fine, but which I am already doing.

A Plan?

2011-01-08T22:43:00.000-08:00

I really cannot stay in this house more than one more week. That's it. Really. So what are my options:

1/15-1/18 (Phoenix)

1/19-until I get galleys (Baja)

Galley Day +3-Feb 17 (Tucson)

2/17-2/22 (chicago)

2/22-4/22: (Japan/Thailand)

5/10-5/24: (Hawaii)

And after Baja

2011-01-08T22:41:00.003-08:00

And after Baja, things get even more vague if that is possible. Maybe go to Chicago in mid-February for a ski trip, then to Thailand for a couple of months and return in late April before the book comes out. Then there are a couple of conferences I could promote my book at. Finally, there is a couple month driving around America tour I have planned.

Baja

2011-01-08T22:35:00.000-08:00

Right now I am contemplating a trip to Baja after I finish reviewing the manuscript and running a half marathon. It's a stupid thing to do on a number of counts. First, it is going to cost too much, even if I drive and stay in cheap hotels. Second, it is dangerous, especially because I will be driving down alone. Not only are there crazy drivers on the road, but as anyone who reads the news knows, there is a lot of drug crime in Mexico, not to mention the hassle from police at all the checkpoints. Finally, a three week trip I am contemplating will completely eliminate the modicum of physical conditioning I have build up. But since it is stupid, I will probably do it.

Stuck

2011-01-08T22:18:00.000-08:00

Picked up a book with this title at Borders. It was interesting, although I only leafed through it. One chapter was focused on being stuck in the present, which seemed to describe my current condition. The author describes how we have lost the ability for delayed gratification and want everything now and that this somehow leads to us being stuck in the present. Not sure what the argument is, but it made sense when I was reading it. I should pay close attention because I am about to make a move that is going once again to squander precious resources.

Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in

2010-12-18T21:26:00.001-08:00

Back from Santa Fe. I kept no blog while I was staying at the Zen Center because I was instructed not to do so. But I think the reason given was sound, namely, that when you keep a blog you are conceptualizing your experience already, seeing it in a certain way, thinking about how you are going to write about it rather than simply having the experience. So, I put aside the blogginf for a while. This makes two substantive disruptions: once because TGFW (The Great Fire Wall) and once because of WWBD (What Would Buddha Do?). So having finished things up there I have a lot to write about and say about this experience, but right now I don't feel like dwelling in the past, although I am writing about it and will post something at some point.

The big news is that I've accepted a teaching position in China next year. Starting in September I will be the Foreign Expert at Sichuan University in Chengdu, one of the elite universities in the Chinese educational system. I will be teaching graduate students various and sundry topics in Western thought. I accepted this job with very mixed emotions. On the one hand, I really thought I was out of the academic racket. But, to quote Michael Corlerone: "Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in." Of course, no one is pulling me back in. But I felt I had do to something. I was getting antsy, feeling useless and running out of money. And this job sort of fell into my lap. I tell myself it is just for a year while I research this China book I wanted to write anyway. But I am very ambivalent.

This means, though, I need to figure out what to do from January to July. The book is finally scheduled to come out in late April, and I want to be around for that. But before and after that time, I really don't have any plans. I need to formulate some. More on this later.

Evening Chant

2010-11-14T19:42:00.000-08:00

"Life and death are of supreme importance.Time swiftly passes by and opportunity is lost.Each of us should strive to awaken. Awaken. Take heed, do not squander your life."

Temporary new blog address

2010-10-20T20:14:00.000-07:00

While I am at the Paths of Service program, I will be blogging at http://peteratupaya.blogspot.com/

WTF

2010-10-12T22:08:00.000-07:00

Leave Tomorrow for Sante Fe. Another time of loading up my car with all my worldly possessions. I have already moved enough for one lifetime, hell, for several lifetimes. So tired of this shit. Just want to find one place to settle down. But I really don't see that as happening anytime soon, if ever. I mean, part of me just wants to skip the Zen Center and keep on driving, or maybe just find an apartment someplace. But no, should submit to the discipline...Wish I had spent this summer doing something of significance. Working in Yellowstone or volunteering in SMC or just driving around the country ala Glen (where is Glen). Will say it for the last time, can't believe I spent it in Tucson...While I was here, I at least should have kept up with the CLM and done some chatting. Would have given me something to do and provided a chapter in the book. Perhaps can do that at the Zen Center!...Not sure what to make of this job in China in the fall...Not something I want to do, going back to academia, but at least it is doing something. I can always look for a job in the meantime and take it if nothing else comes up...Or, as seems more likely, I can simply travel in the interval

Howl

2010-10-02T10:15:00.000-07:00

Watching the movie "Howl" last night. Late in the film, they show the Ginsberg character talking about a pivotal momemt in his life. From what I have read of Ginsberg, it is a true story. He is in his twenties, working in San Francisco, seeing a therapist, and he is complaining to his therapist, who asks him what he really wants to do. And Ginsberg tells him, he wants to live in a small apartment with his lover and write, and his therapist tells him, well, why don't you do it. And he does, and the rest is history. Now, it is too late for me to make that move in any meaningful way. But I can at least live out what is left of my life in my own way. The key is to having a clear answer to the question of what you want to do. I mean, in a way, this going to the Zen monastary is not something I particularly want to do. I would like to just go off somewhere by myself for three months or so. But I don't think that would be particularly healthy. So this strikes me as a much saner thing to do, something that might move the ball down the road, although in the end it might say more about a lack of faith in myself than anything.

Along this line, I am going to have to confront the possiblity of teaching next year. In a way, I am glad to have given up that ghost and don't relish returning to the classroom. I tell myself that it would give me something to do. Also, I think about how I could carry out one of my book projects while doing this task. But a year, I tell myself, no more than a year. I mean, the real goal is these three book projects in the next five years, and then seeing what happens, I guess, although if I could find an MSW program I could complete while in China, that would be incentive to stay over there for two years.

And the winner is...

2010-09-30T15:24:00.000-07:00

And the winner is...3 months at he Upaya Zen Center (Santa Fe, NM) in the Paths of Service program. First, I want to say that I feel sorry for my parents. I mean, there is no way to explain this to them. My mom, with such questions as "is this a cult?" Well, where do you go from there. I simply possess neither the vocabulary or the energy to explain this to them. I am as sad as they are that I cannot be settled in some normal job raising a family. Second, I am sad for myself, that this is the best I can come up with after a year. I really can't say I expect this to accomplish anything. I recall hearing once someone saying that if all else fails you could always serve as a bad example. And that, it seems to me, is precisely what I have done. I should have left with some concrete plan. I should be able to look back after a year and be able to say that I have actually accomplished something. But I can't. Nor do I seem to be on track to be able to do so at the end of next year. So I don't know where any of this is going to lead. I am also up for a job teaching at Sichuan University next September. And if I get that, I just might travel for about six months--another Februry to June trip and return back to the States and then to China. I have no idea.

Paths of Service?

2010-09-21T22:44:00.000-07:00

It looks like things may be heading in the direction of the Paths of Service program at the Upaya Zen Center in Santa Fe. This would be for three months and one week probably beginning around the start of October, which would take me into early/Mid January. This is in line with the sense that I needed to go somewhere and sit for 2-3 months. Here, I will literally be sitting. I probably could have gone to Naropa for a similar period of time, but this will be a new adventure, a new tradition, although if this falls through I may well look to Naropa. I have to admit a little sense of, I don't know, regret, at not being able to travel. Hearing the term "aimless wandering" at the retreat sort of set me off thinking of how that may be what I needed to do for a while. Indeed, if I had the year to do over again, that is what I probably would have done. But isn't that the way it is--I always seem to see things in retrospect. At some point I will have to deal with whether I am going to take the China teaching job. "Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in." Of course, it would be me pulling myself back in. My gut tells me not to take the job if it is offered (which it has not been). But it is such a great opportunity that it might be hard to turn down. On the other hand, I do have the book ideas, and could work on the China book this spring--although I would like to at least try to get an advance for that idea, as well as for the philosopher-chef book. Right now I should at least write up notes for a second chapter of the China book, which would have to do with the correspondances and forum and blog entries.

Woody Allen interview

2010-09-16T05:43:00.000-07:00

From a recent interview with Woody Allen in the New York Times
Q.How do you feel about the aging process?
A. Well, I’m against it. [laughs] I think it has nothing to recommend it. You don’t gain any wisdom as the years go by. You fall apart, is what happens. People try and put a nice varnish on it, and say, well, you mellow. You come to understand life and accept things. But you’d trade all of that for being 35 again. I’ve experienced that thing where you wake up in the middle of the night and you start to think about your own mortality and envision it, and it gives you a little shiver. That’s what happens to Anthony Hopkins at the beginning of the movie, and from then on in, he did not want to hear from his more realistic wife, “Oh, you can’t keep doing that — you’re not young anymore.” Yes, she’s right, but nobody wants to hear that.

Always Maintain a Joyful Mind

2010-09-15T21:15:00.000-07:00

Read an interesting interview with Jeff Bridges in the Fall Edition of Tricycle. Unofrtunately, it's not online. But I do want to recall one thing, the very last thing he says, where the interviewer asks him if he has any last words, and he mentions the phrase "always keep a joyful mind" and how his wife shouts it to him whenever he is going to work to remind him. Can't think that's a tough call for him but it is a good thing to keep in mind for the rest of us. Always maintain a joyful mind is something I need to remind myself even as I am deeply entrenched in this crisis--probably something I especially need to remind myself of in this situation. Approach this moment with you and wonder.

A little thing called malaria

2010-09-15T14:38:00.000-07:00

In Border's right now. I have spend the last hour or two in the travel section. The trip to Southeast Asia has been derailed due to a little thing called Malaria. I still might do it, but I will definitely take anti-malarial meds this time, if I go. Again, not sure this is a risk I want to run. I mean, maybe I am just looking for reasons not to go. But this in fact seems a pretty good one. Picked up a book "500 places where you can make a difference," put out by Frommer's which lists a bunch of volunteer vacations, and there seem a couple of good options here, including one program volunteering in Chiang Mai, which would be a lot cheaper than the Laos trip, though not as interesting. I think if I go to CM it would just make more sense to get certified. Of course, I could get certified and volunteer. But I might choose just to do the certification and then travel around Thailand for a month. That actually sounds like a pretty good option at this point. But hey, who the hell knows.

When in doubt, hit the road

2010-09-14T21:39:00.000-07:00

Well, now I am thinking now may be the time to do a trip around southeast asia for a couple of months and then do the retreat. Yeah, That sounds good.

Where do I come up with these things?

2010-09-13T12:33:00.000-07:00

The latest twist in "what is Peter going to do with whatever is left of the fall?" saga involves the Path of Service Residential Program at the Upaya Institute. The U.I. is a Zen Center in Santa Fe. They have a minimum three month program in which you participate in zen practice, seminars and also do service work at the site. I ran across it as a result of a random web search. I think I put in something like "New Mexico retreat." It sounds ideal, exactly like what I was looking for: both the time frame and content of the program. I violated my own "sleep on it" criterion and sent in the application for last night. So we will see what happens. I am already finding ways to talk myself out of it. I have a book coming out, I tell myself, so I will have to be able to communicate with my editor during this period. As well I have applied for the job in China. In addition, I will want to keep in regular contact with my parents. So if the program will interfere with any of that, I hear myself saying, then as good as it sounds, it will have to be shelved. The fact is that it would be the best thing in the world for me to be cut off from the internet for three months. I am sure I could work out an arrangement with the publisher and the China job (which is looking less and less likely) is not for another year. But it is interesting the way I am trying to talk myself out of it.

Still, I will need to do something, and soon. Next weekend is the retreat at SMC and the following weekend is the Grand Canyon hike. After that, something, somewhere.

Fallback Plan

2010-09-12T11:15:00.001-07:00

The fallback plan is just to get in my car and drive. I will soon make a list of what I would put in the car

The craziness continues

2010-09-12T09:56:00.000-07:00

The craziness continues unabated in the morning. Probably should just have stayed up all night so I could at least have a reason to be crazy. Now, well-rested, you would think I might be a little more rational. At least I think that wast he reason I took the xanax last night that I knew would knock me out. But no, the schemes are flying as fast and furious this morning as last night. Most recently, I got the idea of running a marathon every weekend in cities that I might theoretically be interested in moving to, but not necessarily be limited by those cities. So I have saved a page listing marathons for the next two months. It looks like I missed the ZOregon wine coutnry marathon, which was September 5th. A related idea involves just driving around and visiting towns I might consider living in. But the fun just starts there. Last night's favorites--either getting a TEFL certificatin in Chiang Mai or volunteerin in Laos, are still in contention. If I did the Chiang Mai TeFL, I would make a point of trying to train and then run in the Bangkok Marathon onf Nov 21st. It should be added that all of the above would be combined with a 4 week winter dhatun.Then I have considered writing to SMC and renewing my request to simply stay on in a volunteer fashion there indefinitely. And then I have considered doing a trip through China in order to work on the dating book and combining it with a stop over in Thailand either on the way home or there. Let's see, what else do I have on the crazy list. Oh yeah, it is always possible for me to start cooking school in a coupl of weeks. And as if that weren't enough, I just spend time looking up Outward Bound Expeditions as well as Linbladt Expeditions to the Galapagos Islands. I figure I could combine that with a sting volunteering in Haiti and throw in an expedition to Peru at the end (why the hell not). SO I think that is enough craziness. Let's review: (1) Driving/Running around America, (2a) Volunteer Laos (2b) TEFL in Chiang Mai (3) China (4) SMC retreat (5) Cooking School. I still need to include Esalen on here somewhere, since I've checked out a couple of their programs. I get exhausted just thinking about it and can't imagine having the energy to do any of the above

Crazy

2010-09-11T23:12:00.000-07:00

What I really should do is record the craziness. For example, detail what exactly it is I have been doing at this computer for the last two hours. So the very last thing I did was check Orbitz for flights from either Tucson or LA to Kuala Lumpur, after having seen how cheap it is to fly from KUL to BKK--if I am right, around $50 USD. But the flights from American to KUL are not cheaper than the flights from America to BKK. So there is really no sense in going to KUL. However, if I did want to go to Chengdu, it looks like this would be a relatively inexpensive route, from BKK to KUL and from KUL to Chengdu (CTU). But this is all predicated on the spend the fall (or what is left of it) in Thailand hypothesis, which is by no means the lead hypothesis. Not that I can say there is a leading contender. That would apply a level of thoughtfulness I cannot be said to have applied to this process. Right now, I am more like a pinball, being flipped from one place to another. What about volunteerin in Laos. That might be personally the most satisfying, but from the look of flights it would also be the most expensive, probably around $2,000 for the flights. Like being sucked into a whirling vortex. Going to have to take one of my few remaining xanexes just to calm down...OK. Took the xanex. In reaction to the possibility of another long plane ride, living overseas, my mind returns to the simplicity of a Buddhist retreat. And now may be the time. I may not be able to wait until the winter dhatun. So I think, well, ok. I will fly up there next weekend (which is already planned) come back and then drive up there, although I should probably do the canyon hike since I sort of commited to that. But no, there is no way I fly up there and then drive back. I know that is not going to happen. I can just fly up there and stay or cancel the flight and just drive up there and stay. I'm thinking, no when I get back I will do the canyon trip and then just go somewhere, not sure where, just drive. Maybe do the plan where I check out potential places to live where they are also having races. Which means I should start looking up races in the West. Hell, maybe I'll just rent an RV. Or maybe I should go to New Zealand as long as I'm renting an RV. Remember that couple who rode their bikes around NZ for a year, or was it two years, or six months. Don't remember. But at least they had a fucking plan. And money too. Shit. No way am I ready to start cooking school. What about the Chinese woman book? Maybe I should be travelling around China. Not if I am going to go there in February. But what if I get the job at Sichuan Univeristy. Then the last fucking place I would want to be is China. I go to Thailand this fall either for the TEFL or the volunteer and I drop at least five grand--I would have to make that credit. That makes driving around the country look good, or finding a retreat...I just do not think I have the energy for an overseas trip this fall...But if I had to choose between the Laos volunteer and the Chiang Mai TEFL...But if I don't go, then what...None of this can be said to even remotely approach making sense

And another thing

2010-09-11T22:09:00.000-07:00

And another thing I am thinking. When I arrived here early June I should have said, alright I will be here for two months. But I will use that two months to come up with a plan for the following year. And then I could have broken that task into other tasks, like, sketch out one complete scenario each week, apply for 1 job a week (if nothing else, for practice). Why do I always see things only in retrospect?

No closer to decision

2010-09-11T21:35:00.001-07:00

Again, spending so much energy just trying to come up with a next move. I should have sat down last year and said, 'what do I want to have accomplished in a year and how can I go about doing that?' Instead, I just drifted from situation to situation. If I had it to over, I think I would have done the 12 week volunteering in Asia thing. Yes, that would have been meaningful, and no more expensive than what I ended up spending. In any case, things don't look all that better right now. Right now I am looking at doing everything from travelling around China to driving around America to volunteering at a Buddhist retreat center to getting a TEFL certificate overseas to starting cooking school for the fall. One thing I know is that I simply cannot stay here much longer. But I don't know where to go, what to do. In truth, the thought of travel exhausts me.

alternatives

2010-09-11T09:36:00.000-07:00

1. Spend the fall at Shambhala Mountain Center (looking unlikely)

2. Enroll in cooking school (Not at this time, I think)

3. 1 month volunteer/TEFl; back Thanksgiving; dhatun (most likely at this point, if most expensive)

what next?

2010-09-10T15:02:00.000-07:00

I have to make a decision soon about something to do this fall. I tooks like it will either be:

I. Cooking School

2. A month either volunteer or TOEFL class, 2 weeks travelling and then back to the States for Thanksgiving or therabouts and then do a month dhatun. As for volunteering, we are looking at a minimum of $2,000 for the pgogram and at least $1,000 for the flight, mabye a little less for the TOEFL class, and then $2,000-$2,500 for the dhatun

The Next Big Move?

2010-09-09T22:32:00.000-07:00

There are some decisions to be made. If I do this cooking school thing, that more or less eliminates the possibility of an MSW, and with it a respectable career. In truth, I really wasn't looking forward to going back and getting a master's degree. Still, it was a shot at professional respectability. Of course, there is always the philosophical counseling course, which might be as good as anything. So, yeah, I think I am willing to let the MSW thing go. But this means saying good bye to a solid way to earn a living in the future. It was kind of impulsive (imagine that) filling out the application course for the cooking school. Well, it is only twenty-five dollars (twenty-five dollars!). Indeed, it was just this morning when it occured to me that if it was going to be done (cooking school, that is), now was the time to do it. I mean, I had the Arizona residency thing all pinned down (not that that mattered). But I was all situated here already and could start things up quickly and painlessly in that direction rather than trying to transition a whole life. Indeed, if I was going to do the look for woman in China thing, it would make sense to do this cooking school thing before, and not after, since it doesn't make a lot of sense to drag a Chinese girl here to watch me in cooking school. I doubt one would come if that were what were awaiting. And it just seemed from the perspective of a book, this philosopher-chef thing attempting to change some fundamental things about yourself would best make sense if it were done as soon as possible after leaving academia, which technically occured a little more than a month ago--or maybe two months, I've lost count. So I will go up tomorrow and check out the cooking schools and make a decision early next week. The thing is, I need to do something fairly soon; cannot sit around here much longer. In any case, I need to sketch out alternative paths if this falls through. One alternative would involve a winter Dhatun from Dec 11-Jan 8th, which would mean I would probably want to be back in the States for Thanksgiving, which would mean, if I did the Canyon trip, that I would have from the end of September until late November to do something/go somewhere. And I could just randomly travel somewhere--Southeast Asia. Europe--Run Athens/Florence Marathons or Beijing/Bangkok marathons (as half marathons, which seems sort of half assed). Or I could volunteer somewhere for a couple of monts=hs

Groundlessness

2010-09-08T21:13:00.000-07:00

So probably the biggest thing I did was to apply for the job at Sichuan University. The fact that I would apply for a permanent position in Chengdu shows how badly I am doing at handling this my current state. In fact, when I think about it, this state of being nobody doing nothing, as much as I might decry it, gets awfully close I think to the sense of groundlessness Buddhism does so much to try to instill in us. I have to say, I don't think anyone could possibly be more groundless than myself right now. Everything I have known, everything that has defined me is gone. And that fact that I would grasp at the SU job shows how much I am desperately trying to run away from groundlessness.

Specificity

2010-09-08T20:58:00.000-07:00

So I tentatively committed to two activities. The weekend of the 17th serving as an aide at the Shambhala Mountain Center and the following weekend trekking across the Grand Canyon with plans. I was considering going up to Crestone to check on the meditation center up there for the possibility of winter dhatun. But I chose the trip to Boulder because it requried a specific commitment i.e., buying a plane ticket, being in a certain place at a certain date, being engaged in specific acitivities, rather than simply a vague notion of driving up to Crestone to check things out. One rule I am getting better at sticking to is choosing specificity over vagueness. I just don't do well with vagueness. Perhaps I am also influenced by the line in Confucius about not travelling far while your parents are alive and if you go somewhere, always have a specific destination.

The importance of passion

2010-09-07T20:59:00.000-07:00

My classical guitar practice had been lagging/Almost painful some times to pick up the instrument/and slog through a boring exercise/ or a piece of music I didn't particularly care for/But then I cam across this seven part video lesson for Classical Gas/and have been playing a minimum of two hours a day/until my fingers are sore/It's important to follow these leads when you find them/and to realize the lessons they teach about other parts of our lives

Developments

2010-09-06T22:11:00.000-07:00

Nothing major to report. Ran an 8 mile race today and truly enjoyed it. I mean, I left everything I had on the course, left nothing out so that I was completely exhausted afterwards. It was a great feeling. Not that the actual time was a reflection of the effort. But objective measures are less important. When I think of going to China or travelling, I think how much I would hate stopping running right now. I feel like I have 2-3 months of training and a number of good races I would be giving up. I also finally heard back from the SMC which accepted me for volunteering for the Sept 17th weekend but more or less blew me off for the rest of the time. I guess I could pay to stay up there for a month, but it would probably make a lot more sense to spend the money on a winter dhatun. Which means, what? Travellng mid-September to mid-November, coming back for Thanksgiving and then heading to the Dhatun, though I think I might prefer to do it with Reggie.

Do Over

2010-09-05T21:05:00.000-07:00

I think in terms of a do over. OK, pretend last yar didn't happen and that you are undertaking your first year away from academia. How wouldyou spend it? In a sense, this is true, since you only recently became an ex-philosopher.

There is something holding me back from travel right now. Something that says you do not have the energy to fling yourself around the world. I just want to stay in one place and grow strong. But can't stay here.

How things stand

2010-09-05T20:57:00.000-07:00

It seems all I am capable of now is regret. I should have done something this summer instead of sitting on my ass here: worked in Yellowstone, volunteered at SMC, drove around the country visiting National Parks. In retrospect, it is all clear. Why at the time did I not see any of it? And why can I not see anything now about what I should do next, when in six months time that will probably be clear as well. When exactly did I make the decision to spend the summer here? Was it when I bought the gym membership?

It’s not that I don’t have ideas about what to do next. It’s more that they all strike me as crazy. One thing I have trotted out is the idea of spending three months at the Shambhala Mountain Center. They have not even returned my e-mail. I looked into renting a cabin at another retreat center for a month, but it was already taken. I am seriously considering spending whatever it takes so I can go and spend a month at the Shambhala Mountain Center. I seem to be unable to find anywhere to go for about a month on a spiritual retreat.

I am now thinking about a winter Dhatun at either SMC or Reggie’s Ray retreat center. This would be from about December 11th-January 8th. So, that would leave me three months. But I would probably feel compelled to spend from Thanksgiving and the first part of December in Tucson. Which leaves me from mid September to mid November. A good time to be in Greece. If I just hadn’t used them damn Delta miles to fly to Bangkok.

Now I find myself looking at international marathon schedules.

All I know is that I have to be out of here by the middle of September, which is a month longer than I initially planned

Things are fundamentally groundless

2010-08-29T22:24:00.000-07:00

Another teaching from Reggie

The buddhahdarma says, "things are fundamentally groundless." We can see this very vividly in our own lives. Some people actually think that they have secure ground in their lives, their jobs, their relationships, finances, whatever. In that case, they put a lot of energy into trying to maintain that secure ground that they think they have. This is the conventional approach. While it may temporarily produce a modicum of comfort and security, it doesn't solve--or even address--the fundamental problems of our lives, namely that—at best--things are always uncertain and we live on the edge of death.
Then there is the approach of the buddhadharma. Most of us practitioners feel quite groundless a lot of the time, if not most or even all of the time. We want to get things together; we want situations to be clear; we want people to understand and appreciate us; we want to know where we stand and who we are. But somehow, we can never get any of this to happen in a definitive way. We feel shaky and unresolved about the important things in our lives. Our relationships are problematic and we cycle between hope (that they’re working) and fear (that they’re not). Our employment situations are marked by uncertainty, lack of clarity, and questionable future prospects. People are in their own worlds and we can never get them to be or do what we want. And our own sense of identity is constantly up in the air. We can never quite arrive anywhere or come to any definite conclusions about ourselves.
As the dharma says, groundlessness is not a temporary experience or a random insecurity and it is not a problem that can be fixed. It is just the way things are. In meditation practice, we have a chance to be with that feeling of groundlessness and explore it. And groundlessness eventually opens up into the dharmadhatu, the limitless space of mind in which everything is free to be what it is and what occurs is seen as the play of wisdom

Old Rock n Roller

2010-08-28T10:02:00.000-07:00

Just heard Dylan do version of this on dylanradio.com. He prefaced it with, "if you want to know what happens to people like me, this is it."
Old Rock n Roller
Charlie Daniels
He's just an old rock 'n' roller playing music in a backstreet bar.He sings a little flat and he never learned to play the guitar. But he keeps on belting out them rhythm and blues, "Long Tall Sally" and "Blue Suede Shoes". He just can't accept the fact that he's never gonna be a star --He's just an old rock 'n' roller playing music in a backstreet bar.
He had a record in the sixties, it was big enough to go Top Ten. And though he tried and he tried he could never make it happen again. He's been living twenty years on bourbon and pride. Jerry Lee went country and Elvis died. Then his third wife left him but he never really thought it would last. And now she ain't nothing but another little blast from the past.
But sometimes late on Saturday night when the crowd's out having fun, He steps up on the mike with a gleam in his eye and once again he's twenty-one. And then it's "Be-Bop-A-Lula" and "Heartbreak Hotel" and "That'll Be The Day" Then the Sweet Bird of Youth just flies away.
He's an earthbound eagle that never did learn to fly. He ain't never gonna make it but he sure did give it a try. So go dye your hair and turn the music up loud, And when it's time to go at least you'll go down proud. You ain't never gonna be nothing but what you are --Just an old rock 'n' roller playing music in a backstreet bar, Just an old rock 'n' roller playing music in a backstreet bar.

It's Never Going to Happen

2010-08-26T23:22:00.000-07:00

From Reggie Ray

It's never going to happen!

When we contemplate our practice, a lot of times we think that we are going to work all kinds of things out. We are going to solve a lot of problems and our lives are going to be much better. It is more beneficial to realize that such a thing is never going to happen. It is simply never going to happen.
Things do change, but it is not always the things we want to and rarely in the way we want them to. The less time we put into thinking how great our life will be because we meditate, the better.
What does change, however, is our point of view on our problems. We continue to struggle and wrestle with our problems because that is how karma works. But, at a certain point, the struggling becomes less impressive and less compelling. It is like watching a professional wrestling match. In the beginning, you might find it interesting and engaging. But, after a while, you start to realize that these people aren't really wrestling, they are just faking the whole process. In spite of all the shouting and yelling, and the apparent pain, there is really nothing happening here. Then it begins to become boring and uninteresting.
At the same time, you notice something more compelling which is the stillness of the mind behind it all. But it would be mistaken to think that all the ego-nonsense just goes away. It doesn't and doesn't need to. In fact, we begin to realize that it is the fuel for our journey and our way of connecting with other people. No ego means no path and no compassion.

Day goes downhill quickly

2010-08-25T08:11:00.000-07:00

I recall a scene in American Beauty,

where the Kevin Spacey character, at the start of the film,

says that the best part of his day is when he masturbates in the shower a

nd that it goes downhill from there.

My day goes downhill as well after an early morning plateau.

Only it takes place after my morning run and shower.

Possible alternatives

2010-08-24T21:25:00.001-07:00

Well, I need to get out of here soon and move on. So I came up with four options, things I can do to get out of here in a relatively short period of time.
1. Volunteer at the Shambhala Mountain Center for the fall. I've already written them about the possibility of serving as an aid for a retreat the weekend of September 17th. I just sent them another letter about the possibility of staying on in some capacity for the remainder of the fall.
Pros: Would not cost much and be a good retreat
Cons: Lack of privacy
2. Work in Yellowstone until the end of October and then, well, maybe find a retreat to go to for a month. I got accepted last year about this time and especially if I were willing to work until the end of October I think I could get on. What do I do in late October, not really sure. The idea of a spiritual retreat, though, seems one I keep coming back to, so I guess I would somehow try to combine these two.
Cons: Lack of privacy, hard to see how this advances me in anyway
3. Fly to Thailand, spend a few weeks there, then head up to China and travel around China for a few months, making this a continuation of the Chinese woman project.
Con: Cost a lot of money, will not be able to do any serious running
4. Teach in China.
Con: Well, it is China.
Pro: If I found a decent place I might be able to train. Also could work on the book.

I was pretty impressed when I originally came up with the list, much less so now. Still, I need to face this rationally. There is a problem and I need to solve it. Here are some possible solutions. Pick the one you think best and accept responsibility for the decision. None of these really allow me to do any serious training, which I see as a drawback

A fella could have a pretty good weekend in Vegas

2010-08-16T08:14:00.000-07:00

Well, as bleak as things seem, I call to mind the words of Slim Pickins in Dr. Strangelove, when he opens up the emergency survival pack: "Survival kit contents check. In them you'll find: one forty-five caliber automatic; two boxes of ammunition; four days' concentrated emergency rations; one drug issue containing antibiotics, morphine, vitamin pills, pep pills, sleeping pills, tranquilizer pills; one miniature combination Russian phrase book and Bible; one hundred dollars in rubles; one hundred dollars in gold; nine packs of chewing gum; one issue of prophylactics; three lipsticks; three pair of nylon stockings. Shoot, a fella' could have a pretty good weekend in Vegas with all that stuff." You know, I have about ten thousand cash at hand and a Gold American Express card. A fellow could have a pretty good year on that.

Salty Bread

2010-08-09T09:44:00.002-07:00

Tu lascerai ogne cosa diletta
più caramente; e questo è quello strale
che l'arco de lo essilio pria saetta.
Tu proverai sì come sa di sale
lo pane altrui, e come è duro calle
lo scendere e 'l salir per l'altrui scale . . .
You shall leave everything you love most:
this is the arrow that the bow of exile
shoots first.
You are to know the bitter taste
of others' bread, how salt it is, and know
how hard a path it is for one who goes
ascending and descending others' stairs

WTF

2010-08-09T06:05:00.000-07:00

I mean, thi s is just embarrassing, and I am embarrassed for myself, this inability to explain myself, this unwillingness to come up with the next move. I guess the thing I feel most strongly in all this is that I need to continue to take some time off (NTO), or rather, that I have not even seriously begun to take time off, that this last year has been mostly wasted. Still, as I look at it, there are a couple of obvious optiones, for example, either starting MSW or the SU teaching job next year, which would provide me with one more year off. Now, there would be nothing wrong with taking one more year off to wander around. But that is such a vague goal as to be unacheiveable. And it also would not be cheap, although I could purchase an around the world ticket and be able to afford it. But the SENSELESS WANDERING OPTION, as I will name it, does not seem especially attractive to me. Because the other thing I feel as strongly as I feel the need to continue to take time off is that I would really like to continue to get in shape. The ten mile run on Saturday reminded me of how much I like being in shape and running and reinforced in me the desire to continue to train and to get in decent shape. And any serious training (ST) regimen will be inconsistent with the SWO. As well it would seem pretty much that being in China (BIC) is inconsistent with ST. guess the other piece to throw into the puzzle is that I really cannot stay in Tucson for more than a month (OTM). So where does this leave us?: SWO and BIC are not consistent with ST. NTO and ST are consistent. OTM is consistent with BIC and SWO. The problem is that the trump card--OTM--would at this time seem to be achievable only by SWO or BIC. But SWO and BIC and inconsistent with ST. So something--probably my sanity--has got to give. There is also the overriding imperative WRITE (W).

The Opposite of a Hoarder

2010-08-06T15:51:00.000-07:00

The opposite of a hoarder
Watching a show (actually just glanced at it) on Oprah about Hoarders,
people who can't get rid of anything, and people who have tried to
get cured.
I think I have the opposite problem of being a hoarder--
I have gotten rid of too much stuff in my life.
A lot of it I would like to have back.
My sister-in-law asks me, what's the word for that?

Good running weather

2010-08-06T04:56:00.000-07:00

GOOD RUNNING WEATHER
Probably because the temperature has been reasonable up here
I've been able to get in a couple of good runs.
And it makes me feel
like I would really like to start doing some serious training.
Get in shape to run a marathon.

Why I will never write a travel book

2010-08-04T10:08:00.000-07:00

Watching the trailer for Eat-Pray Love. I recall an episode of the old Taxi, where one of the female cab drivers (forgot her name) is trying to talk Alex into taking a trip to Europe, and he says that he will end up sitting in a cafe writing postcards while she will be dancing on tables. And they go and this is what ends up happening. So this is why I will never write a travel book. Because no one would buy a book tilted Sit-Write Postcards-Regret Wasting the Money.

If you put a gun to my head

2010-08-01T13:12:00.000-07:00

If you put a gun to my head and insisted that I answer the question what I was going to do next, or rather, what I would like to do next, I would say I just want to sit somewhere and get strong for a while. Train for a race. Eat well Meditate. Just sit, not go anywhere. Someplace in nature. Either in the mountains or on the water, although for some reason, my preference is leaning towards the water. I would like to spend some time reviewing the past. Not sure of the value but it feels necessary. More time, howeverm needs to be spent in asking this question "What do you want to be?" I would like to answer that question in a personal manifesto about the future. I also need to do some inner work on gratitude. As I think I have mentioned elsewhere, this is one virtue I have only sparsely employed. It's a vision I have for myself, but I see no practical way to make it a reality. If I had to guess what I would do, I would say run around Thailand and China, which I know will just exhaust me again both financially and physically.

Some Options

2010-07-31T13:32:00.000-07:00

OPTIONS
1. Get the job at CEA and do the online MSW program. Analysis: Seems very unlikely that I will get the CEA job. There is still some question about whether I want to go back to a regular job. This is something I should decide before continuing on the route of the job search.
2. Three books/five years: Woaizhongguo: My Year Searching for Love on Chinese Internet; Philosopher-chef: Sauteing My Way to Self-Transformation; A Wisdom for All Seasons: Travels with Socrates, Buddha, Confucius, and Thoreau. Analysis: This would have to be self-financed, which I could probably afford. At the end of this period, I would have to find some job. I always said five years away would be a good thing.
3. Spend this year travelling and then take the job at Sichuan University. Analysis: This only came about because I happened to meet Bill. Still, it looks like I might be a leading candidate for this position. I mean, I don't necessarily want to teach in Chengdu, or anywhere in China. But I could actually be working on the China dating book while this is going on.
4. Spend next year in China working on the book and then return to the States to get MSW. Analysis: I'm thinking of spending the two months travelling and then probably needing to get a teaching job in the spring, but maybe studying and blowing all the resources.

A Possible Development

2010-07-30T11:12:00.000-07:00

Actually made the first cut for a job at CEA, a company which puts together oversead education experiences for college students. I mean, I spent long enough putting together the application letter, but that in itself means nothing. And besides, there is a long way to go, but it has me contemplating whether in fact I am ready to join the regular work force. On the one hand, I am so bored out of my skull right now, I would do almost anything, and this actually looks like a very interesting position. It would be nice to be useful again. And there is no use in denying that it would be nice to have a regular income. On the other hand, there is something to be said about extending the break for a while. But in that case, I need to come up with a plan how to spend this time off. But at least it is making me confront whether I am ready to enter the world again.

Wouldn't it be nice

2010-07-25T00:27:00.000-07:00

Wouldn't it be nice,
Just to settle into a quiet life somewhere, somehow
--subscribe to New York Review of Books and New Republic
--join a gym
--buy large sizes of toothpaste, shampoo and shaving cream
--train for a race
--have a place to call home
It just seems like such another world to me now,
and perhaps that is how is how it should be
And perhaps it's a case of those on the outside wanting in,
and those on the inside wanting out

what i'm doing

2010-07-22T07:45:00.001-07:00

Working on stuff.

1. Editing an ssay accepted for Journal of American-Asian Relations on the film group I held while a Peace Corps volunteer.

2.Putting together a selection of my Chinese student essays and publishing it on amazon and pledging to donate profits to Sichuan Earthquake Relief. Putting together a website in conjunction with the book (you have no idea how long that took). Next, trying to pitch the project to various folks.

3. Evaluating a project for Potomac Books.

Half baked

2010-07-21T07:14:00.000-07:00

The other day I forced myself to come up with five possibilities for getting out of here by the end of August. In no particular order they include (1) Get a job teaching in China (2) Travel in China for the fall (3) move somewhere in the States for 6 months as a sort of personal retreat (4) work in Yellowstone for reminader of summer and then volunteer in either Haiti or Tibet (5) Drive around country visiting National Parks and camping. Yeah,I know. Pretty lame and rather half baked

The most difficult thing

2010-07-18T09:05:00.000-07:00

In connection with yesterday's post, it is not so much the loss of routine that is hard. Academia has somewhat inured me to this. It is more the loss of prestige. To go from respected professor to, well, nothing, is quite a fall. I am sure there is some lesson in the Buddhist conception of the self to be gained from all of this. But right now, it is probably the most difficult thing.

American Splendor

2010-07-17T14:47:00.000-07:00

Listened to an interview on Fresh Air with the guy who the movie American Slendor was about. A cartoonist. Actually he wasn't even a cartoonist but came up with the story line for the cartoon, which was based on his life. I can't even tell you his name now and I only barely remember hearing about the movie. So I guess what struck me was that he worked at a very boring job as a file clerk for his entire life and did the cartoon stuff on the side. So while he is being interviewed Terry Gross asks him if he found life hard after retiring, and he said, yes, he did not know what to do with himself and had to be hospitialized on and off for a year and a half. Well, let's hope it doesn't come to that.

Random thought 717

2010-07-17T04:20:00.000-07:00

Gratitude. a sentiment I have expressed too infrequently in my life. At some point, I should sit down and write (not necessarily send) lettes to people to whom I owe a debt of gratitude...Getting crazy ideas these days. Doing conferences in New Zealand. Running around China. Extended camping trips. It is the fight or flight complex kicking in. Also the end of the summr thing...I was going to sketch out five possible future scenarios yesterday. I should at least sketch out three...On the other hand, it still seems valid for me to take an extended break, that this is something I deserve, and that just to wander aimlessly for a couple of years would be fine, although it would be nice to have more definite plans that at least involved earning some income...The book on China, the Philosopher-Chef book, the wisdom for all seasons book...I could see spending five years writing these three books. If at the end of it none of them has made it, well, find something else...Chinese and classical guitar, two things I have made so little progress in proportionate to the time invested...Still, the conference in New Zealand seems like a valid idea. Maybe kick start me. Certainly a worthy goal...So I am thinking next fall will be a wandering season and then try to set up something definite for winter/spring semester in China, depending on when the book comes out...I sure would like to get in shape to run a marathon or at least a half, but that would require remaing in the states for at least another 3-4 months, which I really could do, although I could not do it here...I mean, there is no reason to jump on the China book and could just as easily start it next year, but if I did that I would have to go somewhere this fall, preferably somewhere where I could earn some money while I'm trying to pitch the book... I certainly can't afford to run around Asia, so if I go overseas it will have to be to a definite place and with a definite purpose...It does seem I should not rush into anything long term right now. I did apply for the one job with CEA and if, per impossibile, I was offerd it, I would probably take it, I don't think it is something I am going to have to worry about...Whatever the situation, I vow not to be still living in Arizona in September

Global Volunteer Network

2010-07-16T14:55:00.000-07:00

So after a breakfast at Village Inn, I make my way over to Barnes and Nobles. I stop first in the travel section and check out some books on China, thinking that perhaps one of the things I can do is to sketch out two months in China for the fall. Well, I wander over to the travel essays section and come across a few books on volunteering. I flip the page to New Zealand and see something called the Global Volunteer Network which, in addition to hosting a lot of volunteer activities also runs a yearly "Be the Change Program," where people go to learn about social entrepeneuring, possibly starting a volunteer organization or working for one. The workshop is for those who want to:
Start a non-profit/charity organization
Get paid to make a difference in the lives of others.
Get a job with a non-profit/charity
Start a social enterprise or project
Learn how to get a job with the United Nations
Or if you just want to learn more about the field of Social Entrepreneurship and /or International Development

Well, so I end up going to the web page and it looks really interesting. The conference is in New Zealand Nove 21-28th and I am seriously considerring going, especially since I may well be in that part of the world anyway.

Changing driver's license

2010-07-14T11:04:00.000-07:00

Just registered my car in Arizona and got an Arizona driver's license. Feels very strange. For twenty years, my car and license has been from Utah. I've been holding off of doing these things for a year for some reason. They were my last vestiges of connection to the state. Sort of like signing the divorce papers, I guess. Just adding to the general disorientation. I mean, if there is one thing I am certain of, it is that I do not want to live here. For all of the visiting I have done, this place has never felt like a potential home. The flip side of this is, it does not seem like any place could ever feel like home.

4 hour work week

2010-07-12T08:46:00.000-07:00

Ran across the book "The four-hour work week" yesterday. I had seen the book before but never really looked at it. Now I wish'd I had. I could have used some of the advice when I was contemplating leaving my own job. I think it would have helped me a little more in the post-quitting planning, as well as making me feel a little better about the decision. I certainly would have spent the past year differently has I read it. Now, I am not sure exactly how it helps me going forward. I guess the sort of lifestyle it advocates is a much less settled one than the one I am currently contemplating, at least in the long run. And it is worth thinking that the next permanent move will probably be my last, andthat for all my screw ups I do possess a rather enviable state of freedom right now. In any case, I would certainly recommend the book to anyone thinking of quitting their job.

No spring, no summer

2010-07-10T11:18:00.000-07:00

I commented earlier about how my travels had left me without any experience of spring because during the prime spring months I was mostly in countries that were immersed in heat. And now it feels like I am missing out on summer--that is the summer of camping and hiking, of long days outside in the woods--because I am stuck in this desert hellhole. No spring, no summer. If that's not a metaphor for my life, I don't know what is.

Louis

2010-07-07T07:31:00.000-07:00

Well, maybe just jot a few thoughts down first thing in the morning to catch the general drift of things. Last night watched a show Louis C.K., about the life of a stand-up comic in New York. I had started to watch the first episode last week but found in uninteresting. But last night's episode hooked me. I think because the show dealt with age. The guy's only 42, but talked about how from now on it is all downhill. The next year will never be better than the last one. He was speaking physically, I guess, but since so much of our well-being is linked to our body, it could certainly be applied in other areas. He had just gotten divorced, and his brother was lamenting that he was consigning himself to dying alone, since no one would want him at this age. Yes, physical decline and solitary death--what's not to like.

Today is the first day...

2010-07-01T08:41:00.001-07:00

...of being offiically unemployed. First day in twenty years I was not officially associated with a university. Feels strange. Really, I didn't think it would feel any different but it does. I can no longer say "I am on sabbatical." Instead, I must confront the full implications of what I have done. I think I will take today to reread, "Who moved my cheese." I need to plot some strategy for the future (as opposed to strategy for the past). I should map out at least five different scenarios for the future. Well, one thing is I am hestitant to apply for that university job in Beijing. I sort of like the notion of being a free agent, unattached to any institution. Since I feel I sort of wasted the year paid off I need to do something to make sure I do better with the ensuing time. Try to put an end to the sloppiness. Remember, the trip you end up taking for the most part is the trip you planned.

Last day

2010-06-30T08:13:00.000-07:00

Today is my last official day as an employee of the university

Health Insurance

2010-06-29T07:37:00.000-07:00

Well, after all the fretting and anxiety about insurance, when it happened and I had to go out and get it on my own it was a relatively painless process, although the pain part probably won't come unless I need to use it. Then I am responsible for up to $5,000. But we will take it one step at a time. I had no choice really. The Cobra coverage frrom Weber was not only outrageously expenisive but also only allowed me access to doctors in Utah. The insurance agent I talked to on the phone was extremely helpful, even if he did mess up my application. Here is what I ended up with for $230.oo a month

What's the coverage for preventive and other office visits?
Plan pays 100 percent of covered expenses after your $35 copayment for office visits to your in-network primary care doctor. Copayments for in-network specialist and urgent care visits are $60.
What's the coverage for lab and x-rays?
Plan pays the first $500 at 100 percent per person per calendar year for certain covered preventive and diagnostic lab, and x-ray services. After this, you'll pay 20 percent of covered expenses once you meet your deductible.
What's the coinsurance percentage for hospital services?
For both in-network inpatient and outpatient services, once you meet your annual deductible, this plan pays 80 percent coinsurance for most covered medical expenses from in-network providers – which means you pay 20 percent of covered expenses until you reach your coinsurance out-of-pocket maximum.
What's the coverage for emergency room services?
You pay a $100 access fee per visit; then your plan pays 80 percent of covered expenses for an in-network emergency room once you meet your deductible. The access fee is waived if you're admitted to the hospital.
What's the coinsurance out-of pocket maximum?
Your in-network coinsurance out-of-pocket maximum for this plan is $2,500. Deductibles, copayments, and access fees do not apply to the coinsurance out-of-pocket maximum. Once you meet your deductible and coinsurance out-of-pocket maximum, the plan pays 100 percent for most covered in-network services.
Does the plan include prescription drug coverage?
This plan includes the Rx4 prescription drug benefit, which classifies drugs in one of four levels. Level 1 has a $15 copayment for a 30-day supply and includes many generic drugs. For drugs in other levels, you need to pay a separate $500 prescription deductible and then pay the specified copayments. Copayments are $35 for Level 2, $60 for Level 3, and 35 percent of the drug's cost for Level 4 (for a 30-day supply).
These amounts are for covered drugs from in-network pharmacies only. Use our Drug Coverage Search tool to look up which prescription drugs are covered. To locate an in-network pharmacy near you, use our Pharmacy Locator tool.
You'll have the opportunity to lower your Rx deductible for an additional cost by selecting the $150 deductible Rx optional benefit. You can add this benefit on the next page

Mini-retirment

2010-06-28T06:25:00.000-07:00

Came across an article in US News and World Report that I found somewhat uplifting, or at least it didn't depress the hell out of me. Titled "5 Alternatives to Traditional Retirement" it outlined other ways of viewing one's work life besides the retire at 65 scenario. Which is good, because I need som way to reframe things. The five are: sabbaticals, mini-retirmements, focused career breaks, second careers and entrepreneurship. They are fairly self-descriptive, although some of the time frames involved seem laughable. One software engineer is credited with taking two "mini-retirements" of 3 months in India. Gee, back in academia we called those summer vacations. I guess if I had to classify what I am doing I would put it as a sort of mini-retirment to ultimately be combined with a second career, although right now it looks a lot like floundering. But how you frame things is important, and the article in fact gave me a psychological boost because it did allow me to begin to reframe things, altough I don't know if that will help how I view this wasted past year. One thing at a time I guess.

Health Insurance

2010-06-25T10:07:00.000-07:00

Well, today continues the exciting search for health insurance. My Weber health insurance runs out in a week. There is the possibility of COBRA. But not only is Weber switching providers after 20 years, which really messes things up. But as well all of the providers will be in Utah. What if something happens here. So I am thinking I am going to have to go into the private market--but have not gotten the sticker shock of what that entails. I am hoping to limit the damage to $300 a month. Will see what I can get for that price

I wish'd I'd thought of that (oh wait, I did)

2010-06-22T07:36:00.000-07:00

Just read reviews of a couple of books about folks who lost their job and wrote about what happened it the aftermath. Slow Love: How I Lost My Job, Put On My Pajamas & Found Happiness and Unfinished Business: One Man's Extraordinary Year of Trying to Do the Right Things portray a year in the life of two journalists who lost their jobs. I don't know, reading the summaries sound sort of underwhleming. The titles pretty much say all you need to know. The first book is about someone who retreats from the world, makes the grat sacrifice of sellng her suburban home and moving to the coast of Rhode Island and then stays home most of the time. The second book is about a guy who makes amends to people he's hurt and various tasks. In truth, neither sounds very interesting. Of course, compared to what I have done in the past year, they are positively scintillating. But it is all about having a plan, and I have none. Each, though, seems to have this artificial deadline: a year of doing 'x' and then it is back to work--which is where both find themselves. No major transformation. My idea was to shift into a radically different mode of being. This is something I've yet to accomplish, or even figure out how to go about.

I See Dead People

2010-06-20T19:50:00.001-07:00

What was the name of that movie with Bruce Willis where the dead person the kid saw was Bruce Willis himself. Anyway, I sort of felt not like the kid but like Bruce Willis at this conference--a walking ghost. I went to this conference to publicize the book. I thought I might find some people who might write blurbs, some people who might look at review copies, or at least learn something. Well, I did learn something that will actually cause me to rewrite the last chapter (not sure if that's cool with the publisher). But it was of course just like any other academic conference and there is a reason I left this behind. These things bore the shit out of me! Academics talking to each other. Which is o.k., I guess, because someone has to talk to them But all that time and energy writing papers no one but a handful of people will ever look at. I mean, more power to them in some sense. Because there need to be some careful thinkers out there. It is just not a world for me. I want to go onto other things. So it was a real throwback and I truly felt I did not belong here, like Iwas observing the ghost of academics past. I realize there is a sense that this is not work I can really do well, although I do it alright, nor is work I particularly care to do. Maybe it is just that I am too lazy, I am willing to admit that. But maybe it is just that there are other things I want to do with my energy. I am not even sure at the end of the day they are more worthwhile, for example, the blog about Chinese women. But at least there I am not anayzing what some thinker said about some other thinker, which is too often the basis for an academic article. So perhaps it was a fitting farewell to academica and perhaps that was why I went

Deck Chairs

2010-06-16T06:28:00.000-07:00

I am going to try to keep track of the time and see where the hell it all goes and why I get so little done. For instance, we can start today with 5:30-6:30 Meditate/walk. The next entry (of which this is a part) is diddle around on line. Yes, I know it's a big waste of time. Since the only two things I do are work on the article and study Chinese, I need to break these down further into what exactly I do to carry out these goals. I need to get more speific...Still, time management in this situation is like shuffling around deck chairs on the Titanic. I mean I think if I could truly debauch and waste away, that would at least be interesting. And a nice break. Right now, I still put tremendous pressure on myself to accomplish things, to have a sense that something constructive is being done. Would be nice to give that up for a while. 6:45. Fifteen minutes sitting here staring at computer screen is definitely not a good use of time.

china?

2010-06-14T06:00:00.000-07:00

if i am going to get back to china in the fall, i am going to have to start making some moves in that direction. need to decide whether it will be work or study. i would prefer not to teach english. there is first the teaching job in beijing to apply for, and i should probably go ahead and do that. then there is the assistant job at the china institute. and i should apply to study somewhere in chengdu and perhaps elsewere. there are many advantages to being in chengdu. i already know people there and know my way around. it would be very comfortable and an excellent place to do research for the book. on the other hand, a different place, beijing for example, might be more interesting and at least different. but there is also a part of me that really does not want to go there, that has a preference for clean air and potable water and is also simply tired of travelling. but i really can't stay here for much longer but will have to move my life along at some point in some direction, even if it is just directionless wandering.