And the winner is...

And the winner is...3 months at he Upaya Zen Center (Santa Fe, NM) in the Paths of Service program. First, I want to say that I feel sorry for my parents. I mean, there is no way to explain this to them. My mom, with such questions as "is this a cult?" Well, where do you go from there. I simply possess neither the vocabulary or the energy to explain this to them. I am as sad as they are that I cannot be settled in some normal job raising a family. Second, I am sad for myself, that this is the best I can come up with after a year. I really can't say I expect this to accomplish anything. I recall hearing once someone saying that if all else fails you could always serve as a bad example. And that, it seems to me, is precisely what I have done. I should have left with some concrete plan. I should be able to look back after a year and be able to say that I have actually accomplished something. But I can't. Nor do I seem to be on track to be able to do so at the end of next year. So I don't know where any of this is going to lead. I am also up for a job teaching at Sichuan University next September. And if I get that, I just might travel for about six months--another Februry to June trip and return back to the States and then to China. I have no idea.

Paths of Service?

It looks like things may be heading in the direction of the Paths of Service program at the Upaya Zen Center in Santa Fe. This would be for three months and one week probably beginning around the start of October, which would take me into early/Mid January. This is in line with the sense that I needed to go somewhere and sit for 2-3 months. Here, I will literally be sitting. I probably could have gone to Naropa for a similar period of time, but this will be a new adventure, a new tradition, although if this falls through I may well look to Naropa. I have to admit a little sense of, I don't know, regret, at not being able to travel. Hearing the term "aimless wandering" at the retreat sort of set me off thinking of how that may be what I needed to do for a while. Indeed, if I had the year to do over again, that is what I probably would have done. But isn't that the way it is--I always seem to see things in retrospect. At some point I will have to deal with whether I am going to take the China teaching job. "Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in." Of course, it would be me pulling myself back in. My gut tells me not to take the job if it is offered (which it has not been). But it is such a great opportunity that it might be hard to turn down. On the other hand, I do have the book ideas, and could work on the China book this spring--although I would like to at least try to get an advance for that idea, as well as for the philosopher-chef book. Right now I should at least write up notes for a second chapter of the China book, which would have to do with the correspondances and forum and blog entries.

Woody Allen interview

From a recent interview with Woody Allen in the New York Times
Q.How do you feel about the aging process?
A. Well, I’m against it. [laughs] I think it has nothing to recommend it. You don’t gain any wisdom as the years go by. You fall apart, is what happens. People try and put a nice varnish on it, and say, well, you mellow. You come to understand life and accept things. But you’d trade all of that for being 35 again. I’ve experienced that thing where you wake up in the middle of the night and you start to think about your own mortality and envision it, and it gives you a little shiver. That’s what happens to Anthony Hopkins at the beginning of the movie, and from then on in, he did not want to hear from his more realistic wife, “Oh, you can’t keep doing that — you’re not young anymore.” Yes, she’s right, but nobody wants to hear that.

Always Maintain a Joyful Mind

Read an interesting interview with Jeff Bridges in the Fall Edition of Tricycle. Unofrtunately, it's not online. But I do want to recall one thing, the very last thing he says, where the interviewer asks him if he has any last words, and he mentions the phrase "always keep a joyful mind" and how his wife shouts it to him whenever he is going to work to remind him. Can't think that's a tough call for him but it is a good thing to keep in mind for the rest of us. Always maintain a joyful mind is something I need to remind myself even as I am deeply entrenched in this crisis--probably something I especially need to remind myself of in this situation. Approach this moment with you and wonder.

A little thing called malaria

In Border's right now. I have spend the last hour or two in the travel section. The trip to Southeast Asia has been derailed due to a little thing called Malaria. I still might do it, but I will definitely take anti-malarial meds this time, if I go. Again, not sure this is a risk I want to run. I mean, maybe I am just looking for reasons not to go. But this in fact seems a pretty good one. Picked up a book "500 places where you can make a difference," put out by Frommer's which lists a bunch of volunteer vacations, and there seem a couple of good options here, including one program volunteering in Chiang Mai, which would be a lot cheaper than the Laos trip, though not as interesting. I think if I go to CM it would just make more sense to get certified. Of course, I could get certified and volunteer. But I might choose just to do the certification and then travel around Thailand for a month. That actually sounds like a pretty good option at this point. But hey, who the hell knows.

When in doubt, hit the road

Well, now I am thinking now may be the time to do a trip around southeast asia for a couple of months and then do the retreat. Yeah, That sounds good.

Where do I come up with these things?

The latest twist in "what is Peter going to do with whatever is left of the fall?" saga involves the Path of Service Residential Program at the Upaya Institute. The U.I. is a Zen Center in Santa Fe. They have a minimum three month program in which you participate in zen practice, seminars and also do service work at the site. I ran across it as a result of a random web search. I think I put in something like "New Mexico retreat." It sounds ideal, exactly like what I was looking for: both the time frame and content of the program. I violated my own "sleep on it" criterion and sent in the application for last night. So we will see what happens. I am already finding ways to talk myself out of it. I have a book coming out, I tell myself, so I will have to be able to communicate with my editor during this period. As well I have applied for the job in China. In addition, I will want to keep in regular contact with my parents. So if the program will interfere with any of that, I hear myself saying, then as good as it sounds, it will have to be shelved. The fact is that it would be the best thing in the world for me to be cut off from the internet for three months. I am sure I could work out an arrangement with the publisher and the China job (which is looking less and less likely) is not for another year. But it is interesting the way I am trying to talk myself out of it.

Still, I will need to do something, and soon. Next weekend is the retreat at SMC and the following weekend is the Grand Canyon hike. After that, something, somewhere.