Excuses BeGone!

That's the actual title of Wayne Dyer's book, and Iknow I sort of trashed it last night but here I am at Barnes and Noble leafing through its pages. Here are some excerpts:

"Inside you there's a powerful calling that's urging you to fulfill the destiny you feel churning through your veins, yet taken the safest route is causing you to avoid that calling. On the one hand, you feel pulled towards your purpose; and on the other, any number of convenient excuses sing to you like sirens: It will be risky...It's not my nature...I'm too scared...There will be family drama...I'm too old." (191)

"Any excues at all offers the boutniful reward of the easy way out. Let's face it, when you're confronted with a choce between doing something requiring effort and something that's effortless and easy, your apt to pick the latter, even if it's not the choce that will actually lead to your objectives...Your highest elf wants you to fulfill your destiny, which often involves some type of sacrifcie, expenditure of tie, mental and physical energy, and material resources. Ego is frequently in conflict with what your highest self desires--your false self pushes and cajoles you into staying put, threatened by antyhing that disrupts its mission of keeping you nice and comfortable by avoiding difficult choices," (192)

alia iacta est, again

It has been a couple of days of paralysis. I spent the entire day yesterday first in Starbucks and then in Barnes and Noble just staring at the computer screen, unable to make a decision. I mean all day, like from nine-five just weighing the possibilities in my head. I tried to do a little work on the query for the book. But really, I was able to get nothing done. Amazing. It is Friday. I made the decision on Monday and thought that was the end of it but the entire week has been consumed with the decision. Let's not say I took this thing lightly. So by this morning it had been more than 24 hours without communication from either side. I knew it was time for a decision. So I went back to Starbucks , stared at the computer screen some more, and decided to pull the trigger and agree to the terminal sabbatical without the condition of the on line course, which was a crazy addendum anyway in retrospect. The alternative I was considerring right until the very end (that is, until about two minutes ago) was simply staying for three years and then having a real sabattical and either coming or not coming back for a year and then retiring. Even as I write it, it sounds appealing. Again, it would be so easy and comfortable to stay here. I could have saved money for three years and added to the nest egg, taught extra courses and then did what I had said, moved to China for one semester a year and lived cheaply back in the states the rest of the time. It still seems like a prett good way to go, although it also seems a little like waiting to die. Who knows if I have those years left anyway, from 50-55. My sister didn't. And if God forbid something happened, would I have wanted my last couple of years to be sitting here doing a job I don't like or spending one year in Indonesia and one in China and then trying to start it off again somehow?

At the end of the day, I can't say what caused me to make the final decision (or the decision finally). It certainly wasn't the Wayne Dyer special that happened to be on PBS on the t.v. that was in the flophouse I stayed in last night. It was called something like "No More Excuses" and I one point he went over excuses people give to stop them from changing a life they find unsatisfying. True, several of those excuses were on my list: impact on others, financial concerns, fear of failure. It was stuff I already knew anyway. Besides, I kept dropping in and out of sleep anyway so didn't find out how to change my life. And that's what it was about

But now that I have sent it in, it seems I'm o.k. with it, it strikes me as the right thing to do, alhough that might be the xanax speaking.

Indecision 2009

I have been paralyzed all day, first at starbucks and now at barnes and noble. No idea what decision to make. The ball is in my court. Given the fact that the Dean has rejected my condition to keep my on line class, I could reasonably call things off. But the offer is on the table, and I am going to have to shit or get off the pot soon. I feel pulled in both directions. On the one hand, I just want to stick it to the dean and all those who want me out. It would bug the hell out of them if I stck around. SO I was thinking I could stick around for three years, take the legitimate sabbatical, and not come back after that. Three years. Could I live here that long and respect myself. It would be easy and comfortable. But there is something that started me out on this quitting thing. It's about turning fifty and needing to go in another direction. It's about a novel I wrote twenty years ago that shows eerie signs of becomeing true. It's about having the courage to set out in a new direction. The biggest stumbling block I see is health insurance. I almost want to wait to see if the health insurance thing gets settled before making the move because I am at the age where things start breaking down after so long with nothing going wrong now would be the time to get my payback from the insurance company.Sure, I have two and a half years of insurance ahead of me, but after that, what are the odds of my finding insurance. This certainly weighs on my mind. Which is why, as I say, I have been paralyzed all day, just sitting in front of ths computer screen accomplishing nothing. I am frozen

The original letter

ean ****,

A few months ago you made a very generous offer to me of a year terminal sabbatical. At the time, with the recession and the lack of any prospects, accepting the offer did not seem to provide me with sufficient time and resources to establish myself on another path. Neither the economy’s or my own situation has changed much since that time. But for reasons I will briefly sketch out, my thinking on the offer has shifted somewhat. Let me explain.

In preparation for starting a program in another country, Peace Corps is selecting a small number of highly qualified volunteers to work with the Indonesian Education Ministry at establishing a teacher evaluation program. It is a short term, eight month program for returned volunteers only that starts in November. The success of this pilot program is a crucial piece of the Peace Corps ultimately establishing a full-fledged program in Indonesia. I have appended a description of the position below.

I have been offered one of the volunteer slots and am very interested in accepting it. It seems an excellent chance to put my talent and credentials to use for a good cause. I also think it would help me transition into a new direction. But I would only consider accepting the offer if I were granted the year terminal sabbatical we discussed. Conversely, if the terminal sabbatical is no longer a possibility, I would immediately tell the Peace Corps I cannot accept their position.
Providing the terminal sabbatical at this time seems to provide an opportunity to close things off in a way to cause the least disruption for the department—a goal I have kept in mind throughout this process. Hopefully, there still remains time to hire someone for the fall semester. Indeed, as I understand it, Richard and Bob already have someone in mind.

I apologize for this being rather late in the process. But having only recently received the offer, I pass it along as soon as possible If you could let me know your decision at your earliest convenience, it would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you for consideration of this request

More Developments

Things are happening fast and furious. I received a call yesterday afternoon from my dean that the contract was ready for me to sign. It specifies that I am to receive a one year sabbatical at 75% pay, as well as be eligilbe for COBRA for a year and a half after. I got the call when I was working at Barnes and Nobles. Just before I had been contemplating the possibility of keeping my on line course, which could under the worst case scenario provide me with a small yet steady income. So after the call I sat out and wrote a letter asking, no demanding, I be given the on line course. In retrospect, I could see it was a foolish thing, that put that way once the agreement had been made, he was going to say no, although I think if I had made that a stipulation when the offer was originally made last spring it might have had a chance. So after receiving the call and writing the letter I went to the doctor and got some xanax.

Anyway, I received a letter from the Dean this morning (it was actually written yesterday) flat out refusing the offer. My instinct was to write him back a short reply, "Then I am sorry to have troubled you" and showed up at school on the first day of class. What was it Camus said: "There is not fate you cannot overcome by scorn." So this is a question I have to consider. Do I really want to do this, and by this I mean quit? I think subconciously I made the offer because I knew it would be refused and it would give me a reason to back out. And speaking of backing out, one interesting thing is that the contract itself has a 21 day clause that I can back out of i, which is nice.

So these are the thoughts that fill my mind as I sit in Starbucks. I spent last night camping out by Anderson Lake in Ogden Canyon. I have no place to stay right now, the few things I own are in storage. So I plan on alternating between camping and getting a (cheap) hotel until I make my decision, which had better be pretty soon.

How it began, part 1

It has been a little more than twenty-four hours since I have informed the university of my desire to resign my position as a my tenured position.

I will fill in the background detail laters. Let me give you the short version right now. After fifteen years of teaching, I joined the Peace Corps a few years ago and did a two year stint in China. I came back to my old position last year (yes, they held it open for me) and decided after one year I just did not want to do this with my life anymore. Sometime in the fall I let my deparment chair know I was looking for other things to do with my life. I originally wanted to teach just one semester a year, but they didn't buy that. They offered me a one year terminal sabbatical if I would leave and not come back. That didn't seem like a good idea at the time. So I looked for other positions. My service in the Peace Corps entitled me to what is called non-competitive status with the U.S. Federal Government for a year, and I applied to numerous goverment jobs. Nothing came of any of this except a phone interview for a position with the educational wing of the Peace Corps. I applied for some non teaching academic jobs. Nothing. Despondant and not knowing what to do next, when the semester ended I took a two month trip to Asia.

At one point in my travels I looked at Peace Corps positions for returned volunteers. These are short term assignments. There was one in Indonesia for six-eight months that sounded intriguing. So I applied. At some point, I thought about the year terminal sabbatical. Perhaps if I got offered the Peace Corps position I take it if I my university agreed to a terminal sabbatical?

I wrote out a letter to my Dean explaining my situation, saying that I would take the position if the terminal sabbatical were still available. In fact, given that the school year was to begin in less than a month, I would have to get the terminal sabbatical approved before I would know about the Peace Corps position. I figured if I did not get the Peace Corps position I would return to China for a year to study.

I kept putting off the time for making a decision. I originally was going to send it in when I returned to the States, then when I left my parents, then as soon as I got back to Ogden. But I could not make a decision. Finally the other morning, Monday morning, I awoke with the realization that it was shit or get off the pot time. Then I thought, well, I'll go running. Then I thought, no, I have to make the decision. So I did. I pulled up the letter, pasted it into the an e mail to my dean, clicked the send button and went for a run.