Things are fundamentally groundless

Another teaching from Reggie

The buddhahdarma says, "things are fundamentally groundless." We can see this very vividly in our own lives. Some people actually think that they have secure ground in their lives, their jobs, their relationships, finances, whatever. In that case, they put a lot of energy into trying to maintain that secure ground that they think they have. This is the conventional approach. While it may temporarily produce a modicum of comfort and security, it doesn't solve--or even address--the fundamental problems of our lives, namely that—at best--things are always uncertain and we live on the edge of death.
Then there is the approach of the buddhadharma. Most of us practitioners feel quite groundless a lot of the time, if not most or even all of the time. We want to get things together; we want situations to be clear; we want people to understand and appreciate us; we want to know where we stand and who we are. But somehow, we can never get any of this to happen in a definitive way. We feel shaky and unresolved about the important things in our lives. Our relationships are problematic and we cycle between hope (that they’re working) and fear (that they’re not). Our employment situations are marked by uncertainty, lack of clarity, and questionable future prospects. People are in their own worlds and we can never get them to be or do what we want. And our own sense of identity is constantly up in the air. We can never quite arrive anywhere or come to any definite conclusions about ourselves.
As the dharma says, groundlessness is not a temporary experience or a random insecurity and it is not a problem that can be fixed. It is just the way things are. In meditation practice, we have a chance to be with that feeling of groundlessness and explore it. And groundlessness eventually opens up into the dharmadhatu, the limitless space of mind in which everything is free to be what it is and what occurs is seen as the play of wisdom

Old Rock n Roller

Just heard Dylan do version of this on dylanradio.com. He prefaced it with, "if you want to know what happens to people like me, this is it."
Old Rock n Roller
Charlie Daniels
He's just an old rock 'n' roller playing music in a backstreet bar.He sings a little flat and he never learned to play the guitar. But he keeps on belting out them rhythm and blues, "Long Tall Sally" and "Blue Suede Shoes". He just can't accept the fact that he's never gonna be a star --He's just an old rock 'n' roller playing music in a backstreet bar.
He had a record in the sixties, it was big enough to go Top Ten. And though he tried and he tried he could never make it happen again. He's been living twenty years on bourbon and pride. Jerry Lee went country and Elvis died. Then his third wife left him but he never really thought it would last. And now she ain't nothing but another little blast from the past.
But sometimes late on Saturday night when the crowd's out having fun, He steps up on the mike with a gleam in his eye and once again he's twenty-one. And then it's "Be-Bop-A-Lula" and "Heartbreak Hotel" and "That'll Be The Day" Then the Sweet Bird of Youth just flies away.
He's an earthbound eagle that never did learn to fly. He ain't never gonna make it but he sure did give it a try. So go dye your hair and turn the music up loud, And when it's time to go at least you'll go down proud. You ain't never gonna be nothing but what you are --Just an old rock 'n' roller playing music in a backstreet bar, Just an old rock 'n' roller playing music in a backstreet bar.

It's Never Going to Happen

From Reggie Ray

It's never going to happen!

When we contemplate our practice, a lot of times we think that we are going to work all kinds of things out. We are going to solve a lot of problems and our lives are going to be much better. It is more beneficial to realize that such a thing is never going to happen. It is simply never going to happen.
Things do change, but it is not always the things we want to and rarely in the way we want them to. The less time we put into thinking how great our life will be because we meditate, the better.
What does change, however, is our point of view on our problems. We continue to struggle and wrestle with our problems because that is how karma works. But, at a certain point, the struggling becomes less impressive and less compelling. It is like watching a professional wrestling match. In the beginning, you might find it interesting and engaging. But, after a while, you start to realize that these people aren't really wrestling, they are just faking the whole process. In spite of all the shouting and yelling, and the apparent pain, there is really nothing happening here. Then it begins to become boring and uninteresting.
At the same time, you notice something more compelling which is the stillness of the mind behind it all. But it would be mistaken to think that all the ego-nonsense just goes away. It doesn't and doesn't need to. In fact, we begin to realize that it is the fuel for our journey and our way of connecting with other people. No ego means no path and no compassion.

Day goes downhill quickly

I recall a scene in American Beauty,

where the Kevin Spacey character, at the start of the film,

says that the best part of his day is when he masturbates in the shower a

nd that it goes downhill from there.

My day goes downhill as well after an early morning plateau.

Only it takes place after my morning run and shower.

Possible alternatives

Well, I need to get out of here soon and move on. So I came up with four options, things I can do to get out of here in a relatively short period of time.
1. Volunteer at the Shambhala Mountain Center for the fall. I've already written them about the possibility of serving as an aid for a retreat the weekend of September 17th. I just sent them another letter about the possibility of staying on in some capacity for the remainder of the fall.
Pros: Would not cost much and be a good retreat
Cons: Lack of privacy
2. Work in Yellowstone until the end of October and then, well, maybe find a retreat to go to for a month. I got accepted last year about this time and especially if I were willing to work until the end of October I think I could get on. What do I do in late October, not really sure. The idea of a spiritual retreat, though, seems one I keep coming back to, so I guess I would somehow try to combine these two.
Cons: Lack of privacy, hard to see how this advances me in anyway
3. Fly to Thailand, spend a few weeks there, then head up to China and travel around China for a few months, making this a continuation of the Chinese woman project.
Con: Cost a lot of money, will not be able to do any serious running
4. Teach in China.
Con: Well, it is China.
Pro: If I found a decent place I might be able to train. Also could work on the book.

I was pretty impressed when I originally came up with the list, much less so now. Still, I need to face this rationally. There is a problem and I need to solve it. Here are some possible solutions. Pick the one you think best and accept responsibility for the decision. None of these really allow me to do any serious training, which I see as a drawback

A fella could have a pretty good weekend in Vegas

Well, as bleak as things seem, I call to mind the words of Slim Pickins in Dr. Strangelove, when he opens up the emergency survival pack: "Survival kit contents check. In them you'll find: one forty-five caliber automatic; two boxes of ammunition; four days' concentrated emergency rations; one drug issue containing antibiotics, morphine, vitamin pills, pep pills, sleeping pills, tranquilizer pills; one miniature combination Russian phrase book and Bible; one hundred dollars in rubles; one hundred dollars in gold; nine packs of chewing gum; one issue of prophylactics; three lipsticks; three pair of nylon stockings. Shoot, a fella' could have a pretty good weekend in Vegas with all that stuff." You know, I have about ten thousand cash at hand and a Gold American Express card. A fellow could have a pretty good year on that.

Salty Bread

Tu lascerai ogne cosa diletta
più caramente; e questo è quello strale
che l'arco de lo essilio pria saetta.
Tu proverai sì come sa di sale
lo pane altrui, e come è duro calle
lo scendere e 'l salir per l'altrui scale . . .
You shall leave everything you love most:
this is the arrow that the bow of exile
shoots first.
You are to know the bitter taste
of others' bread, how salt it is, and know
how hard a path it is for one who goes
ascending and descending others' stairs

WTF

I mean, thi s is just embarrassing, and I am embarrassed for myself, this inability to explain myself, this unwillingness to come up with the next move. I guess the thing I feel most strongly in all this is that I need to continue to take some time off (NTO), or rather, that I have not even seriously begun to take time off, that this last year has been mostly wasted. Still, as I look at it, there are a couple of obvious optiones, for example, either starting MSW or the SU teaching job next year, which would provide me with one more year off. Now, there would be nothing wrong with taking one more year off to wander around. But that is such a vague goal as to be unacheiveable. And it also would not be cheap, although I could purchase an around the world ticket and be able to afford it. But the SENSELESS WANDERING OPTION, as I will name it, does not seem especially attractive to me. Because the other thing I feel as strongly as I feel the need to continue to take time off is that I would really like to continue to get in shape. The ten mile run on Saturday reminded me of how much I like being in shape and running and reinforced in me the desire to continue to train and to get in decent shape. And any serious training (ST) regimen will be inconsistent with the SWO. As well it would seem pretty much that being in China (BIC) is inconsistent with ST. guess the other piece to throw into the puzzle is that I really cannot stay in Tucson for more than a month (OTM). So where does this leave us?: SWO and BIC are not consistent with ST. NTO and ST are consistent. OTM is consistent with BIC and SWO. The problem is that the trump card--OTM--would at this time seem to be achievable only by SWO or BIC. But SWO and BIC and inconsistent with ST. So something--probably my sanity--has got to give. There is also the overriding imperative WRITE (W).

The Opposite of a Hoarder

The opposite of a hoarder
Watching a show (actually just glanced at it) on Oprah about Hoarders,
people who can't get rid of anything, and people who have tried to
get cured.
I think I have the opposite problem of being a hoarder--
I have gotten rid of too much stuff in my life.
A lot of it I would like to have back.
My sister-in-law asks me, what's the word for that?

Good running weather

GOOD RUNNING WEATHER
Probably because the temperature has been reasonable up here
I've been able to get in a couple of good runs.
And it makes me feel
like I would really like to start doing some serious training.
Get in shape to run a marathon.

Why I will never write a travel book

Watching the trailer for Eat-Pray Love. I recall an episode of the old Taxi, where one of the female cab drivers (forgot her name) is trying to talk Alex into taking a trip to Europe, and he says that he will end up sitting in a cafe writing postcards while she will be dancing on tables. And they go and this is what ends up happening. So this is why I will never write a travel book. Because no one would buy a book tilted Sit-Write Postcards-Regret Wasting the Money.

If you put a gun to my head

If you put a gun to my head and insisted that I answer the question what I was going to do next, or rather, what I would like to do next, I would say I just want to sit somewhere and get strong for a while. Train for a race. Eat well Meditate. Just sit, not go anywhere. Someplace in nature. Either in the mountains or on the water, although for some reason, my preference is leaning towards the water. I would like to spend some time reviewing the past. Not sure of the value but it feels necessary. More time, howeverm needs to be spent in asking this question "What do you want to be?" I would like to answer that question in a personal manifesto about the future. I also need to do some inner work on gratitude. As I think I have mentioned elsewhere, this is one virtue I have only sparsely employed. It's a vision I have for myself, but I see no practical way to make it a reality. If I had to guess what I would do, I would say run around Thailand and China, which I know will just exhaust me again both financially and physically.