Howl

Watching the movie "Howl" last night. Late in the film, they show the Ginsberg character talking about a pivotal momemt in his life. From what I have read of Ginsberg, it is a true story. He is in his twenties, working in San Francisco, seeing a therapist, and he is complaining to his therapist, who asks him what he really wants to do. And Ginsberg tells him, he wants to live in a small apartment with his lover and write, and his therapist tells him, well, why don't you do it. And he does, and the rest is history. Now, it is too late for me to make that move in any meaningful way. But I can at least live out what is left of my life in my own way. The key is to having a clear answer to the question of what you want to do. I mean, in a way, this going to the Zen monastary is not something I particularly want to do. I would like to just go off somewhere by myself for three months or so. But I don't think that would be particularly healthy. So this strikes me as a much saner thing to do, something that might move the ball down the road, although in the end it might say more about a lack of faith in myself than anything.

Along this line, I am going to have to confront the possiblity of teaching next year. In a way, I am glad to have given up that ghost and don't relish returning to the classroom. I tell myself that it would give me something to do. Also, I think about how I could carry out one of my book projects while doing this task. But a year, I tell myself, no more than a year. I mean, the real goal is these three book projects in the next five years, and then seeing what happens, I guess, although if I could find an MSW program I could complete while in China, that would be incentive to stay over there for two years.