Frontline's Close to Home

Just finished watching an amazing Frontline episode. Titled "Close to Home," it takes place in a hair salon on the East Side of Manhattan, where you hear the hard luck stories of client after client. Most of the people featured had good paying jobs at some point, but many have lost their jobs and even many of those who still have jobs have fallen on hard times. Probably the most poignant is Rob, who a year after losing his job as a high paid human resource executive still gets tears in his eyes as he tells the story of the day he was fired. A good chunk of the show follows his truly Sisyphean struggle to find a job, as we are taken to a series of networking sessions, job interview classes and his explanation of his never ending struggle. At the end we are told 18 months after losing his job, he is still unemployed. The owner herself is in danger of losing the salon, while her sister in Florida, who has come up to help, is about to lose her house in Florida. The sister has had to take in four borders, and they all have a hard luck story. One of the guys, now in his fifties, used to be a dancer with the Florida Ballet, and was lost his house two days after his wife died. Anyone contemplating leaving a job should watch http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/pages/frontline/closetohome/?utm_campaign=homepage&utm_medium=proglist&utm_source=proglist


Hell, if I had watched I might not have quit my job. I mean, I'm glad I did because I know it was the right thing to do. But in all honesty, I might have hung on if I had viewed this earlier. It's that powerful. Of course, maybe it has a special impact because now I am in that position whereas before I could only theoretically conceive of it. In any case, these people are all working much harder at finding a job then I know I am capable of. And the thing is, none of them had found any work. These are all people around my age or a little older and their prospects are not good. It was sobering, depressing.

It certainly makes my upcoming trip to New Zealand seem frivolous and wasteful. But preparations are made. So I tell myself this is a gift to myself to prepare me for the harsh reality that will confront me when I return.

Lonely Planet Thorntree

So to divert myself I have been planning this New Zealand trip. Here are a couple of posts I put on Lonely Planet Thorntree. I've posted the links if you want to read the responses. So much more interesting to do this sort of stuff than to think about one's future

Arrival/departure enigmaHere's a question I haven't seen answered after reading these message boards for a couple of hours. Most flights into New Zealand are into Auckland. But most people seem to want to spend most of the time on the South Island. I am just curious how others deal with the situation. Do you (a) circle back to Auckland at the end, (b) buy a one way ticket from Christchurch to Auckland, (c) fly into Auckland and out of Christchurch? (C) would seem ideal, but after extensive checking seems more expensive than (b). I am planning on five weeks in New Zealand and would like to do one week in North and four in South and would appreciate suggestions on how to handle the arrival/departue city enigma. Much thanks.
http://www.lonelyplanet.com/thorntree/thread.jspa?threadID=1832847&tstart=30

Thanks all for your previous advice on departure/arrival possibilities. I've decided to fly into Christchurch and out of Auckland. I am planning on renting a car for the first two weeks on the South Island, and here is the itinerary I've come up with. This looks good to me on paper, but as I've no experience on the ground any suggestions would be appreciated. I am especially looking for substantial day hikes to do in the second part of the trip11/10 (T) Arrive Christchurch11/11 (W)Drive to Blenheim w/stop in Kaikoura (316 km/196 m). Nite in Blenheim11/12 (TH)Blenheim to Nelson (113 km/70m).Camp in Totaranui campground11/13 (F) Do hike in Abel Tasmen : Night in campground11/14 (S) Nelson to Karamea (330km/205 m) night in Karamea11/15: (S): Hike 5 hr on Heaphy Track. Night at Heaphy Hut 11/16 (M) Hike out of Heaphy Track; drive to Greymouth (329km/205 mi)11/17 (T) Greymouth to Fox Glacier (203 km/126 mi) Camp near Fox Glacier11/18 (W) Hike Alex Knob Track. Camp Fox Glacier11/19 (TH): Fox Glacier to Wanaka (262 km/163 m). Night in Wanaka11/20: (F) Explore Wanaka11/21: (S) Wanaka to Te Anu (230 km/143 mi). Night in Te Anu11/22: (S) Drive to Milford Sound . Night in Te Anu11/23: (M) Te Anu to Oamaru (413 km/257 m).11/24: (T) Oamaru to Christchurch (248km/154m)/
http://www.lonelyplanet.com/thorntree/thread.jspa?threadID=1836963&tstart=0

And a night comes

Re-reading Tropic of Cancer when I came across this line: "And a night comes when all is over, when so many jaws have closed upon us that we no longer have the strength to stand, and our meat hangs upon our bodies, as though it had been masticated by every mouth."

Smoking cigarettes and watching Captain Kangaroo

The Statler Brthers song, which I hadn't thoght of for years if not decades, lept to my mind for some unknown reason (ha). Thank God there's you tube

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1s8nRL2bPCU&feature=related

I keep hearing you're concerned about my happiness.
All that thought you're giving me is conscience, I guess.
If I were walking in your shoes, I wouldn't worry none.
While you and your friends are worrying 'bout me, I'm having lots of fun.

Counting flowers on the wall,That don't bother me at all.
Playing Solitaire till dawn,With a deck of fifty-one.
Smoking cigarettes and watching Captain Kangaroo.
Now, don't tell me I've nothing to do.

Last night I dressed in tails, pretended I was on the town.
As long as I can dream, it's hard to slow this swinger down.
So please don't give a thought to me, I'm really doing fine.
You can always find me here, having quite a time.

Counting flowers on the wall,That don't bother me at all.
Playing Solitaire till dawn,With a deck of fifty-one.
Smoking cigarettes and watching Captain Kangaroo.
Now, don't tell me I've nothing to do.

Well, it's good to see you, I must go, I know I look a fright.
Anyway my eyes are not accustomed to this light.
And my shoes are not accustomed to this hard concrete.
So I must go back to my room and make my day complete.

Counting flowers on the wall,That don't bother me at all.
Playing Solitaire till dawn,With a deck of fifty-one.
Smoking cigarettes and watching Captain Kangaroo.
Now, counting flowers on the wall,That don't bother me at all.
Playing Solitaire till dawn,With a deck of fifty-one.
Smoking cigarettes and watching Captain Kangaroo.
Now, don't tell me I've nothing to do.Don't tell me I've nothing to do.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1s8nRL2bPCU&feature=related

The Hamster Wheel

In some sense, although it has created an existential setback insofar as it has left me temporarily without a sense of purpose, I do think the Peace Corps stint being cancelled is on balance a good thing. At least it offers the opportunity for me to get off the the hamster wheel, it feels I have been on, well, since college.

The hamster wheel certainly describes my sense of academia: the same tasks semester after semester, a perverted version of eternal recurrence. To be sure, there were some good things about the wheel. It gave me a sense of purpose and structured my days. And there were certainly times off: summers, winter breaks and sabbaticals. But I was usually involved in some project during those periods, i.e., still on the wheel. And even when I took time away, it was always justified in my mind because of the time I had been on the wheel and deserved a break and the time I would return to the wheel and so needed to rest up for. So the wheel became my reality.

And now I find myself recreating the hamster wheel as I now more or less invent tasks: revise the book, study Chinese, practice classical guitar. But at some point, I would like to give myself a long stretch with nothing to do. Going to the Buddhist meditation center would probably be a good thing--a month long Dathun is probaably what is called for--but I don't see that in my immediate future.

One of the plans I considered before quitting was going to graduate school in Social Work. It was a weekend MSW program in Denver which I was actually quite excited about, and the way my schedule worked I could have pulled it off the first year and then gotten this terminal sabbatical the second year. And I would be lying if I didn't say there have been more than I few moments when I wished I had taken that option. But again, as with the Peace Corps, I am more often greatful I did not. It would have been a continuation of the wheel, indeed, running two wheels at once. I need to get off the wheel, and though physically I have stepped off of it, mentally I am still running the wheel.

This is all much easier said than done.The question is what to do once you are off the wheel, and the response at one level is that if you are doing something you are not really off the wheel. Maybe there is no getting off the wheel. On the other hand, the Tao Te Ching tells us, do nothing and nothing will not be done. This at least sounds like it is possible to get off the wheel. The TTC also reminds us that dirty water left to settle becomes clear.

Parachute Colors

So I recently picked up the classic job hunting guide "What Color is Your Parachute" and am currently working myway through some of its exercises. I am not sure how much value it is in the actual process of job hunting, but some of its exercises I think can increase self-awarness, which may actually end up helping in the process more than any practical advice (although there is plenty of practical advice in the book).


In any case, one of the first exercises involves answering the question "Who Am I?" with then words that you then flesh out a bit. This was not as easy as I thought, and turned out to be more interesting than I had initially believed. Here are my answers with corresponding comments:


1. Writer
--Always felt this was the one thing I had some sort of talent in and one thing I would do (and continue to d0) even when I am not paid

2. Traveler
--Here, I am reminded of the scorpion and frog story. I can't help it, it's my nature. The road always seems to be calling, even though sometimes I should just hang up, or at least put it on hold.

3. Child of the Universe
--as in Desiderata. Yeah, this may sound corny, but it strikes me as trufe. I feel the universe is essentially a spiritual place and that there are larger forces working themselves out that we ought to acknowledge and can connect to.

4. Aspiring Buddhist
--The particular type of spirituality that makes the most sense to me is Buddhism, and I contintue to try to live my life in a way in accordance with this.

5. Brother/Son
--I feel a great connection to my family.

6. Runner
--Perhaps it is the fact that I have been running for more than thirty years, but I fell in love with running immediately and have never stopped enjoying the activity.This connects to something deep in me, ass well it allows me to honor the physical part of my being

7. Italian-American
--In part we are defined by our genetics and I have always appreciated my Italian-American heritage. Feel that its earthiness provides a balance to the Buddhism

8. Hopeless romantic
--Despite everything I am still looking to find someone to spend my life with and hope this occurs

9. Student
--I feel it is part of my nature to keep learning, and right now I am especially interested in learning Chinese and classical guitar

10. Lover of movies, music and literature
--The aesthetic experience is as important as the intellectual, spiritual or physical. There are certain movies and musicians and writers I can’t imagine life without.

Better Lies

I spent the morning talking on Skype to my friend Paul who is living in Japan. We are the same age, and like me he is undergoing a major life crisis, though one of a very different nature. We have known each other since high school and it is good to bounce things off him. Especially since leaving Weber, he is the only real friend I have right now, the only person I can talk to about my situation. In any case, and as always talking to him gives me hope. I almost never hang up on him without feeling better. When I think of why, it is because despite the nature of his situation, which is pretty dire, he always ends up, sometimes despite himself, being optimistic. There is always a scheme that is going to change things (the business he is tangentially attached to will take him on full time and strike it big) or some unlikely dream will be fulfilled (he will move to Hollywood and be a screenwriter). Doubtless these are highly improbable. But what is wrong with a dream, regardless of how delusional, that keeps you going? I remember way back when in graduate school I knew a starving artist, one of the most amazing people I’ve ever met, who told me that we don’t need more truth, we need better lies. Exactly. And I recall when my sister was dying of pancreatic cancer, she just never accepted that fact despite its obviousness and undesirability. And so one might say she never achieved the acceptance they talk about in stages of dying. BUT SO WHAT?!! It’s not like you win a prize for going through all the five stages. So she was stuck in denial. Big deal. I would argue that she was no worse off than someone who goes through all the five stages. ..I am reminded of the scene at the end of Butch Cassidy, where Butch and Sundance are surrounded by fedarales and obviously going to be killed. After an initial round of gunfire have filled them with multiple wounds, they crawl back to regroup. It’s clear to anyone that they are going to die. But Butch starts talking about going to Austrailia after they get out of this mess, and slowly convinces Sundance of the plausibility of the scheme, and they start to make plans. And then they are gunned down in a massive volley. But you know, so what. There is something I admire about the dream of Australia. I guess I would say it caused them to face their final moment with hope rather than despair, and what more can we ask. I recall a line someone said about Whitman, that a lot of people went to their death easier because of his poetry. And so I would finish with the observation that it seems to me we are all just Butch and Sundance waiting to get slaughtered. So why not dream of Australia. So Paul and I talk into the night and contrive our implausible schemes.

The Pull of the Familiar

The marathon was a disaster. My knee started hurting at around mile 10 and by the halfway point I was strongly considering calling it a day. But I had come all this way and decided to hobble (literally) the rest of the race. It was truly the most physically painful experience of my life. And I seriously think I may have done permanent damage to my knee. So the three things that were supposed to play out have done so very differently than I thought. The marathon was a disaster, the book is still in limbo and the Peace Corps assignment is no longer viable.

So I’ve decided to take a trip, something trivial and non-existential, an enjoyable break from things before returning to whatever it is I need to do. The three trips I’ve been considering are

(1) Go to Europe and run the Athens/Florence marathons (Nov 8/29th respectively). The main thing this trip has going for it is that the air transportation is free. It also has a clearly focused goal that at the end will let me feel like I have accomplished something. Once there, it will be the most expensive of the trips, but given the fact that the airfare is free, it would probably end up being the least expensive trip. (2) Go to New Zealand for a month. I think now I would bring my camping gear and camp for the first two weeks and then figure out to do for the other two. This would certainly be the most expensive trip but it would also probably be the most interesting. And it does allow me to experience spring rather than the winter that will be occurring everywhere else. This would also have the added bonus of being a trip to an English speaking country. (3) This option involves using my friend’s place in Chiang Mai as a base to explore Southeast Asia. Although I would have to pay for the airfare—and its not cheap—it would at least have the advantage of adding to my United Miles account.

So I asked the electronic I Ching which trip should I take. And the answer came back:
He is blessed by heaven. Good fortune. Nothing that does not further.
Which I interpret to mean that it doesn’t really matter; any option is good. They are all good trips. Just pick one. And that advice seems about right. Of course, it doesn’t help me pick one.

So a friend offered up the following criterion. Choose the one that excites you the most. And when I reflected on that, it became pretty easy. I had been to the other two places before. Why not go someplace I hadn’t been. So, I booked an airline ticket to New Zealand. It also struck me that the readiness I had to take the familiar route was something that applied not only to trips but to other areas in my life. And that the pull of the familiar was something I felt very strongly before making my decision. The familiar is very seductive--and easy. And sometimes there is nothing wrong with the familiar. But if it becomes deadening, as I believe it was in my case, then it is time to somehow find the energy to step outside of it.

Things to do in Denver

I am sitting in a hotel room in Denver watching the second game of the American League Championship Series as it goes into extra innings. It's the night before the Denver marathon. The plan was to run this marathon and then two weeks later I was to be in Indonesia with the Peace Corps. Then the Peace Corps mission was delayed until December and now it has been put off until next spring when it will be too late for me to go. So now, the whole point of the marathon seems to be lost, at least on me. The truth is, right now I am having a hard time recovering from this Peace Corps stint being cancelled. Of course, the Peace Corps probably did me a favor. What my next move would was going to have be decided at some point, and the Peace Corps Indonesia was a delaying tactic at best. And given the fact that I am not getting any younger, it was probably good thing to have to confront this sooner rather than later. Still, I do feel I need a break and so after this marathon plan on taking one--a trip somewhere. Oh yeah, I was supposed to at least have the fate of the book decided by mid-October but now that has been put off for another month. Nothing is going according to schedule. But that, I think, is to be expected during this transition period. Indeed, it would be kind of boring if everything went according to schedule.

SNL

Sometimes, I feel like I’m in an old Saturday Nite Live Skit. A talk show called “What Were You Thinking?”, where various celebrities were confronted with a decision they made and then had the title question put to them. I seem to recall (although I could be wrong) that among the people who were asked questions was McClean Stevenson, who was asked about his leaving MASH. The one I remember most is someone playing Walter Mondale had the scenario put to him regarding the fact that he promised to raise people’s taxes as part of his campaign for president. And the interviewer queried him over the fact that no one in the history of politics has ever ran on the platform of raising taxes. Not one race, ever. Not from the lowest city mayor to president of the U.S. No one has ever told the voters up front that they would raise the voters’ taxes. So, the interviewer finished: “Walter, what were you thinking?” And Walter sort of mumbles, “Uh, I don’t know.”

So I think the question could be put to me, “Peter. You had a job for life. You could not be fired. You worked twelve hours a week for thirty weeks a year. And yet, in the worst recession since the Great Depression, you decided to quit. Peter, what were you thinking?” And I think right now I would have no better response than Walter’s.

My Kingdom for a Plan

So I was reading, as I sometimes do, the blog leavingacademia, and I came across a discussion on the importance of having a plan if you are going to leave academia: at least a year's income and a solid job search strategy, some were saying. And while it was hard to disagree with the prudence of what was said, I felt something was missing. So I penned the following

A plan! Darn it. I knew I forgot something. But after fifteen years of academia I left a tenured position without one of those. Fortunately, I did not have a spouse or family to worry about--but neither do I have one to support me. Although financially it was not a good time to make the move, I knew that it was time to go (actually, it was probably time to go a while ago). For me the decision to leave was not so much the outcome of a rational decision process but the result of realizing that my soul was dying and that I had to get out if I was going to save it (and a fear that it may already be too late). And I don't have a plan anymore than someone who is drowning has a plan to breathe oxygen.

So although I have nothing against a plan, I would point out the wisdom of the claim that remimds us there is no better way to make God laugh than to have one. Instead I would argue that there is the path of listening to your head and the path of listenting to your heart, and yes, in the ideal world we would combine them: listen to our heart and then plan with your head. But this isn't the ideal world and sometimes we make decisions under less than ideal circumstances. So I'm not knocking a plan. But I also think that sometimes and in some situations leaving without a plan--taking a leap into the unknown and trusting the universe--can be the right thing to do--at least that's what it seems I've done. I'll let you know how it works out.

Let's hope it's not a sign

Two things that I had forgotten about emerged in the past 24 hours to give an indication of the current state of things. First, a couple of months ago I sent a couple of sample chapters of the book to an agent who was recommended to me by an associate. I felt fortunate to even get an agent to look at it, since generally unagented writers have a hard time gaining even the attention, much less the representation, of an agent. Anyway, I just received news that the agent “did not fall in love with the project” and so was rejecting it. And then, almost three or so months ago I had applied for a Peace Corps job. I assumed because it had been so long that I had not gotten it, but when I saw the e mail I thought there was some chance I might be in the running. But when I opened it up it was simply a form letter telling me that the position had been filled. In any case, this didn’t exactly do a lot to lift my spirits.

And now for something comletely different

After a couple weeks of camping, I just received the news that the Peace Corps has delayed the Indonesia program until May, which means I almost definitely will not be going to Indonesia. Make that definitely will not be going to Indonesia. If this was going to happen, the time for it was this fall. Indeed, my mind was set to go November 1st. Hence, the Denver marathon, which I registered for speficially to get a marathon in before departue.

In any case, the question now becomes what the next move will be. Plan B was always to travel for a few months—India or Southeast Asia—and then to study in China for the spring semester and then to start graduate school in the fall. The truth is, right now, none of the above seems particularly appealing, perhaps because of the letdown from Plan A falling through. In any case, stay tuned, I'm sure something will develop.

On the road

Been on the road camping for about a week, and though I've had no problem with access to the internet it seems I don't have much to stay. The thing about being on the road like this without a plan, is that all mental energy is directed to where to stay next, what supplies you need, what to do for the day. No time to contemplate my next move except late at night lying in the sleeping bag, which is actually more than enough time, too much time. Where's the xanax when you need it?

About the only thing I am clear on is the fact that I'm in no hurry to take up another path. I think the thing that finally decided the matter for me about leaving the university was that this was the path I had been on more or less my entire life, without a break. That is, I went from undergraduate to graduate school to one year job to tenure track. I briefly took about s five month break early on in my graduate career, leaving school in mid-term of my second semester but starting up again in the fall. So you can say that since I became an adult there was not one semester that did not find me attached to a university in some manner, until now. So I think it is a well-deserved break, and I think that was the right call given those conditions. But this also causes me to doubt that my situation has relevance outside of the peculiarities of my condition.