And the winner is...

And the winner is...3 months at he Upaya Zen Center (Santa Fe, NM) in the Paths of Service program. First, I want to say that I feel sorry for my parents. I mean, there is no way to explain this to them. My mom, with such questions as "is this a cult?" Well, where do you go from there. I simply possess neither the vocabulary or the energy to explain this to them. I am as sad as they are that I cannot be settled in some normal job raising a family. Second, I am sad for myself, that this is the best I can come up with after a year. I really can't say I expect this to accomplish anything. I recall hearing once someone saying that if all else fails you could always serve as a bad example. And that, it seems to me, is precisely what I have done. I should have left with some concrete plan. I should be able to look back after a year and be able to say that I have actually accomplished something. But I can't. Nor do I seem to be on track to be able to do so at the end of next year. So I don't know where any of this is going to lead. I am also up for a job teaching at Sichuan University next September. And if I get that, I just might travel for about six months--another Februry to June trip and return back to the States and then to China. I have no idea.

Paths of Service?

It looks like things may be heading in the direction of the Paths of Service program at the Upaya Zen Center in Santa Fe. This would be for three months and one week probably beginning around the start of October, which would take me into early/Mid January. This is in line with the sense that I needed to go somewhere and sit for 2-3 months. Here, I will literally be sitting. I probably could have gone to Naropa for a similar period of time, but this will be a new adventure, a new tradition, although if this falls through I may well look to Naropa. I have to admit a little sense of, I don't know, regret, at not being able to travel. Hearing the term "aimless wandering" at the retreat sort of set me off thinking of how that may be what I needed to do for a while. Indeed, if I had the year to do over again, that is what I probably would have done. But isn't that the way it is--I always seem to see things in retrospect. At some point I will have to deal with whether I am going to take the China teaching job. "Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in." Of course, it would be me pulling myself back in. My gut tells me not to take the job if it is offered (which it has not been). But it is such a great opportunity that it might be hard to turn down. On the other hand, I do have the book ideas, and could work on the China book this spring--although I would like to at least try to get an advance for that idea, as well as for the philosopher-chef book. Right now I should at least write up notes for a second chapter of the China book, which would have to do with the correspondances and forum and blog entries.

Woody Allen interview

From a recent interview with Woody Allen in the New York Times
Q.How do you feel about the aging process?
A. Well, I’m against it. [laughs] I think it has nothing to recommend it. You don’t gain any wisdom as the years go by. You fall apart, is what happens. People try and put a nice varnish on it, and say, well, you mellow. You come to understand life and accept things. But you’d trade all of that for being 35 again. I’ve experienced that thing where you wake up in the middle of the night and you start to think about your own mortality and envision it, and it gives you a little shiver. That’s what happens to Anthony Hopkins at the beginning of the movie, and from then on in, he did not want to hear from his more realistic wife, “Oh, you can’t keep doing that — you’re not young anymore.” Yes, she’s right, but nobody wants to hear that.

Always Maintain a Joyful Mind

Read an interesting interview with Jeff Bridges in the Fall Edition of Tricycle. Unofrtunately, it's not online. But I do want to recall one thing, the very last thing he says, where the interviewer asks him if he has any last words, and he mentions the phrase "always keep a joyful mind" and how his wife shouts it to him whenever he is going to work to remind him. Can't think that's a tough call for him but it is a good thing to keep in mind for the rest of us. Always maintain a joyful mind is something I need to remind myself even as I am deeply entrenched in this crisis--probably something I especially need to remind myself of in this situation. Approach this moment with you and wonder.

A little thing called malaria

In Border's right now. I have spend the last hour or two in the travel section. The trip to Southeast Asia has been derailed due to a little thing called Malaria. I still might do it, but I will definitely take anti-malarial meds this time, if I go. Again, not sure this is a risk I want to run. I mean, maybe I am just looking for reasons not to go. But this in fact seems a pretty good one. Picked up a book "500 places where you can make a difference," put out by Frommer's which lists a bunch of volunteer vacations, and there seem a couple of good options here, including one program volunteering in Chiang Mai, which would be a lot cheaper than the Laos trip, though not as interesting. I think if I go to CM it would just make more sense to get certified. Of course, I could get certified and volunteer. But I might choose just to do the certification and then travel around Thailand for a month. That actually sounds like a pretty good option at this point. But hey, who the hell knows.

When in doubt, hit the road

Well, now I am thinking now may be the time to do a trip around southeast asia for a couple of months and then do the retreat. Yeah, That sounds good.

Where do I come up with these things?

The latest twist in "what is Peter going to do with whatever is left of the fall?" saga involves the Path of Service Residential Program at the Upaya Institute. The U.I. is a Zen Center in Santa Fe. They have a minimum three month program in which you participate in zen practice, seminars and also do service work at the site. I ran across it as a result of a random web search. I think I put in something like "New Mexico retreat." It sounds ideal, exactly like what I was looking for: both the time frame and content of the program. I violated my own "sleep on it" criterion and sent in the application for last night. So we will see what happens. I am already finding ways to talk myself out of it. I have a book coming out, I tell myself, so I will have to be able to communicate with my editor during this period. As well I have applied for the job in China. In addition, I will want to keep in regular contact with my parents. So if the program will interfere with any of that, I hear myself saying, then as good as it sounds, it will have to be shelved. The fact is that it would be the best thing in the world for me to be cut off from the internet for three months. I am sure I could work out an arrangement with the publisher and the China job (which is looking less and less likely) is not for another year. But it is interesting the way I am trying to talk myself out of it.

Still, I will need to do something, and soon. Next weekend is the retreat at SMC and the following weekend is the Grand Canyon hike. After that, something, somewhere.

Fallback Plan

The fallback plan is just to get in my car and drive. I will soon make a list of what I would put in the car

The craziness continues

The craziness continues unabated in the morning. Probably should just have stayed up all night so I could at least have a reason to be crazy. Now, well-rested, you would think I might be a little more rational. At least I think that wast he reason I took the xanax last night that I knew would knock me out. But no, the schemes are flying as fast and furious this morning as last night. Most recently, I got the idea of running a marathon every weekend in cities that I might theoretically be interested in moving to, but not necessarily be limited by those cities. So I have saved a page listing marathons for the next two months. It looks like I missed the ZOregon wine coutnry marathon, which was September 5th. A related idea involves just driving around and visiting towns I might consider living in. But the fun just starts there. Last night's favorites--either getting a TEFL certificatin in Chiang Mai or volunteerin in Laos, are still in contention. If I did the Chiang Mai TeFL, I would make a point of trying to train and then run in the Bangkok Marathon onf Nov 21st. It should be added that all of the above would be combined with a 4 week winter dhatun.Then I have considered writing to SMC and renewing my request to simply stay on in a volunteer fashion there indefinitely. And then I have considered doing a trip through China in order to work on the dating book and combining it with a stop over in Thailand either on the way home or there. Let's see, what else do I have on the crazy list. Oh yeah, it is always possible for me to start cooking school in a coupl of weeks. And as if that weren't enough, I just spend time looking up Outward Bound Expeditions as well as Linbladt Expeditions to the Galapagos Islands. I figure I could combine that with a sting volunteering in Haiti and throw in an expedition to Peru at the end (why the hell not). SO I think that is enough craziness. Let's review: (1) Driving/Running around America, (2a) Volunteer Laos (2b) TEFL in Chiang Mai (3) China (4) SMC retreat (5) Cooking School. I still need to include Esalen on here somewhere, since I've checked out a couple of their programs. I get exhausted just thinking about it and can't imagine having the energy to do any of the above

Crazy

What I really should do is record the craziness. For example, detail what exactly it is I have been doing at this computer for the last two hours. So the very last thing I did was check Orbitz for flights from either Tucson or LA to Kuala Lumpur, after having seen how cheap it is to fly from KUL to BKK--if I am right, around $50 USD. But the flights from American to KUL are not cheaper than the flights from America to BKK. So there is really no sense in going to KUL. However, if I did want to go to Chengdu, it looks like this would be a relatively inexpensive route, from BKK to KUL and from KUL to Chengdu (CTU). But this is all predicated on the spend the fall (or what is left of it) in Thailand hypothesis, which is by no means the lead hypothesis. Not that I can say there is a leading contender. That would apply a level of thoughtfulness I cannot be said to have applied to this process. Right now, I am more like a pinball, being flipped from one place to another. What about volunteerin in Laos. That might be personally the most satisfying, but from the look of flights it would also be the most expensive, probably around $2,000 for the flights. Like being sucked into a whirling vortex. Going to have to take one of my few remaining xanexes just to calm down...OK. Took the xanex. In reaction to the possibility of another long plane ride, living overseas, my mind returns to the simplicity of a Buddhist retreat. And now may be the time. I may not be able to wait until the winter dhatun. So I think, well, ok. I will fly up there next weekend (which is already planned) come back and then drive up there, although I should probably do the canyon hike since I sort of commited to that. But no, there is no way I fly up there and then drive back. I know that is not going to happen. I can just fly up there and stay or cancel the flight and just drive up there and stay. I'm thinking, no when I get back I will do the canyon trip and then just go somewhere, not sure where, just drive. Maybe do the plan where I check out potential places to live where they are also having races. Which means I should start looking up races in the West. Hell, maybe I'll just rent an RV. Or maybe I should go to New Zealand as long as I'm renting an RV. Remember that couple who rode their bikes around NZ for a year, or was it two years, or six months. Don't remember. But at least they had a fucking plan. And money too. Shit. No way am I ready to start cooking school. What about the Chinese woman book? Maybe I should be travelling around China. Not if I am going to go there in February. But what if I get the job at Sichuan Univeristy. Then the last fucking place I would want to be is China. I go to Thailand this fall either for the TEFL or the volunteer and I drop at least five grand--I would have to make that credit. That makes driving around the country look good, or finding a retreat...I just do not think I have the energy for an overseas trip this fall...But if I had to choose between the Laos volunteer and the Chiang Mai TEFL...But if I don't go, then what...None of this can be said to even remotely approach making sense

And another thing

And another thing I am thinking. When I arrived here early June I should have said, alright I will be here for two months. But I will use that two months to come up with a plan for the following year. And then I could have broken that task into other tasks, like, sketch out one complete scenario each week, apply for 1 job a week (if nothing else, for practice). Why do I always see things only in retrospect?

No closer to decision

Again, spending so much energy just trying to come up with a next move. I should have sat down last year and said, 'what do I want to have accomplished in a year and how can I go about doing that?' Instead, I just drifted from situation to situation. If I had it to over, I think I would have done the 12 week volunteering in Asia thing. Yes, that would have been meaningful, and no more expensive than what I ended up spending. In any case, things don't look all that better right now. Right now I am looking at doing everything from travelling around China to driving around America to volunteering at a Buddhist retreat center to getting a TEFL certificate overseas to starting cooking school for the fall. One thing I know is that I simply cannot stay here much longer. But I don't know where to go, what to do. In truth, the thought of travel exhausts me.

alternatives

1. Spend the fall at Shambhala Mountain Center (looking unlikely)

2. Enroll in cooking school (Not at this time, I think)

3. 1 month volunteer/TEFl; back Thanksgiving; dhatun (most likely at this point, if most expensive)

what next?

I have to make a decision soon about something to do this fall. I tooks like it will either be:

I. Cooking School

2. A month either volunteer or TOEFL class, 2 weeks travelling and then back to the States for Thanksgiving or therabouts and then do a month dhatun. As for volunteering, we are looking at a minimum of $2,000 for the pgogram and at least $1,000 for the flight, mabye a little less for the TOEFL class, and then $2,000-$2,500 for the dhatun

The Next Big Move?

There are some decisions to be made. If I do this cooking school thing, that more or less eliminates the possibility of an MSW, and with it a respectable career. In truth, I really wasn't looking forward to going back and getting a master's degree. Still, it was a shot at professional respectability. Of course, there is always the philosophical counseling course, which might be as good as anything. So, yeah, I think I am willing to let the MSW thing go. But this means saying good bye to a solid way to earn a living in the future. It was kind of impulsive (imagine that) filling out the application course for the cooking school. Well, it is only twenty-five dollars (twenty-five dollars!). Indeed, it was just this morning when it occured to me that if it was going to be done (cooking school, that is), now was the time to do it. I mean, I had the Arizona residency thing all pinned down (not that that mattered). But I was all situated here already and could start things up quickly and painlessly in that direction rather than trying to transition a whole life. Indeed, if I was going to do the look for woman in China thing, it would make sense to do this cooking school thing before, and not after, since it doesn't make a lot of sense to drag a Chinese girl here to watch me in cooking school. I doubt one would come if that were what were awaiting. And it just seemed from the perspective of a book, this philosopher-chef thing attempting to change some fundamental things about yourself would best make sense if it were done as soon as possible after leaving academia, which technically occured a little more than a month ago--or maybe two months, I've lost count. So I will go up tomorrow and check out the cooking schools and make a decision early next week. The thing is, I need to do something fairly soon; cannot sit around here much longer. In any case, I need to sketch out alternative paths if this falls through. One alternative would involve a winter Dhatun from Dec 11-Jan 8th, which would mean I would probably want to be back in the States for Thanksgiving, which would mean, if I did the Canyon trip, that I would have from the end of September until late November to do something/go somewhere. And I could just randomly travel somewhere--Southeast Asia. Europe--Run Athens/Florence Marathons or Beijing/Bangkok marathons (as half marathons, which seems sort of half assed). Or I could volunteer somewhere for a couple of monts=hs

Groundlessness

So probably the biggest thing I did was to apply for the job at Sichuan University. The fact that I would apply for a permanent position in Chengdu shows how badly I am doing at handling this my current state. In fact, when I think about it, this state of being nobody doing nothing, as much as I might decry it, gets awfully close I think to the sense of groundlessness Buddhism does so much to try to instill in us. I have to say, I don't think anyone could possibly be more groundless than myself right now. Everything I have known, everything that has defined me is gone. And that fact that I would grasp at the SU job shows how much I am desperately trying to run away from groundlessness.

Specificity

So I tentatively committed to two activities. The weekend of the 17th serving as an aide at the Shambhala Mountain Center and the following weekend trekking across the Grand Canyon with plans. I was considering going up to Crestone to check on the meditation center up there for the possibility of winter dhatun. But I chose the trip to Boulder because it requried a specific commitment i.e., buying a plane ticket, being in a certain place at a certain date, being engaged in specific acitivities, rather than simply a vague notion of driving up to Crestone to check things out. One rule I am getting better at sticking to is choosing specificity over vagueness. I just don't do well with vagueness. Perhaps I am also influenced by the line in Confucius about not travelling far while your parents are alive and if you go somewhere, always have a specific destination.

The importance of passion

My classical guitar practice had been lagging/Almost painful some times to pick up the instrument/and slog through a boring exercise/ or a piece of music I didn't particularly care for/But then I cam across this seven part video lesson for Classical Gas/and have been playing a minimum of two hours a day/until my fingers are sore/It's important to follow these leads when you find them/and to realize the lessons they teach about other parts of our lives

Developments

Nothing major to report. Ran an 8 mile race today and truly enjoyed it. I mean, I left everything I had on the course, left nothing out so that I was completely exhausted afterwards. It was a great feeling. Not that the actual time was a reflection of the effort. But objective measures are less important. When I think of going to China or travelling, I think how much I would hate stopping running right now. I feel like I have 2-3 months of training and a number of good races I would be giving up. I also finally heard back from the SMC which accepted me for volunteering for the Sept 17th weekend but more or less blew me off for the rest of the time. I guess I could pay to stay up there for a month, but it would probably make a lot more sense to spend the money on a winter dhatun. Which means, what? Travellng mid-September to mid-November, coming back for Thanksgiving and then heading to the Dhatun, though I think I might prefer to do it with Reggie.

Do Over

I think in terms of a do over. OK, pretend last yar didn't happen and that you are undertaking your first year away from academia. How wouldyou spend it? In a sense, this is true, since you only recently became an ex-philosopher.

There is something holding me back from travel right now. Something that says you do not have the energy to fling yourself around the world. I just want to stay in one place and grow strong. But can't stay here.

How things stand

It seems all I am capable of now is regret. I should have done something this summer instead of sitting on my ass here: worked in Yellowstone, volunteered at SMC, drove around the country visiting National Parks. In retrospect, it is all clear. Why at the time did I not see any of it? And why can I not see anything now about what I should do next, when in six months time that will probably be clear as well. When exactly did I make the decision to spend the summer here? Was it when I bought the gym membership?

It’s not that I don’t have ideas about what to do next. It’s more that they all strike me as crazy. One thing I have trotted out is the idea of spending three months at the Shambhala Mountain Center. They have not even returned my e-mail. I looked into renting a cabin at another retreat center for a month, but it was already taken. I am seriously considering spending whatever it takes so I can go and spend a month at the Shambhala Mountain Center. I seem to be unable to find anywhere to go for about a month on a spiritual retreat.

I am now thinking about a winter Dhatun at either SMC or Reggie’s Ray retreat center. This would be from about December 11th-January 8th. So, that would leave me three months. But I would probably feel compelled to spend from Thanksgiving and the first part of December in Tucson. Which leaves me from mid September to mid November. A good time to be in Greece. If I just hadn’t used them damn Delta miles to fly to Bangkok.

Now I find myself looking at international marathon schedules.

All I know is that I have to be out of here by the middle of September, which is a month longer than I initially planned