Crazy

What I really should do is record the craziness. For example, detail what exactly it is I have been doing at this computer for the last two hours. So the very last thing I did was check Orbitz for flights from either Tucson or LA to Kuala Lumpur, after having seen how cheap it is to fly from KUL to BKK--if I am right, around $50 USD. But the flights from American to KUL are not cheaper than the flights from America to BKK. So there is really no sense in going to KUL. However, if I did want to go to Chengdu, it looks like this would be a relatively inexpensive route, from BKK to KUL and from KUL to Chengdu (CTU). But this is all predicated on the spend the fall (or what is left of it) in Thailand hypothesis, which is by no means the lead hypothesis. Not that I can say there is a leading contender. That would apply a level of thoughtfulness I cannot be said to have applied to this process. Right now, I am more like a pinball, being flipped from one place to another. What about volunteerin in Laos. That might be personally the most satisfying, but from the look of flights it would also be the most expensive, probably around $2,000 for the flights. Like being sucked into a whirling vortex. Going to have to take one of my few remaining xanexes just to calm down...OK. Took the xanex. In reaction to the possibility of another long plane ride, living overseas, my mind returns to the simplicity of a Buddhist retreat. And now may be the time. I may not be able to wait until the winter dhatun. So I think, well, ok. I will fly up there next weekend (which is already planned) come back and then drive up there, although I should probably do the canyon hike since I sort of commited to that. But no, there is no way I fly up there and then drive back. I know that is not going to happen. I can just fly up there and stay or cancel the flight and just drive up there and stay. I'm thinking, no when I get back I will do the canyon trip and then just go somewhere, not sure where, just drive. Maybe do the plan where I check out potential places to live where they are also having races. Which means I should start looking up races in the West. Hell, maybe I'll just rent an RV. Or maybe I should go to New Zealand as long as I'm renting an RV. Remember that couple who rode their bikes around NZ for a year, or was it two years, or six months. Don't remember. But at least they had a fucking plan. And money too. Shit. No way am I ready to start cooking school. What about the Chinese woman book? Maybe I should be travelling around China. Not if I am going to go there in February. But what if I get the job at Sichuan Univeristy. Then the last fucking place I would want to be is China. I go to Thailand this fall either for the TEFL or the volunteer and I drop at least five grand--I would have to make that credit. That makes driving around the country look good, or finding a retreat...I just do not think I have the energy for an overseas trip this fall...But if I had to choose between the Laos volunteer and the Chiang Mai TEFL...But if I don't go, then what...None of this can be said to even remotely approach making sense