Peter in La, day 6

A rare cloudy and rainy day in LA. Spent the morning in a coffee house in Santa Monica, walked down to the pier, drove out to Malibu, had a mahi mahi sandwhich at a nice restaurant overlooking the ocean.

Peter in LA, Day 5

Went to the writers meetup today. There were six people in all. Two did most of the talking. These were the two Hollywood veteran. The woman, Vivian, had worked on some soaps maybe twenty years ago and now was trying to get back in after the death of her husband. She was great at using everyone's name whenever she spoke. "Now, as Peter was saying" or "What Jake was talking about." John was large man who spoke often and rapidly and you had to work to get a word in edgewise. There was one other real writer, Nicole, twenties, long auburn hair, who had been hired to work on something at AMC, though I could not determine what since she rarely spoke. The other three of us were mute and noncredited. Jake was a large and likable fellow who had moved down from Seattle, Mike was in his early twenties, thin and attractive, and had just arrived a week ago from New York. And moi.Felt pretty foolish and out of place when Vivian asked me what I was working on. "Specs" I said, using the only word I know from the television writing biz. What was I thinking?

Peter in LA, day 4, pt. 1

The day does not start well. When I go out to make tea, I accidentally lock myself out of my roo, It is five a.m. I must now wait three hours (at least) until the office is due to open. Well, it could be worse.I am at least semi-decently dressed, have access to my food and the internet. Still, not a good sign. I have been reflecting on whether there exists some middle way between moving out to LA for six months and staying at my sister's in Tucson.Of course, moving out to LA for six months as itself supposed to be the middle way between travelling aimlessly for six months and stayin at my sister's house.Funny how that works. This idea occured to me last night as I was contemplating joining a runner's group for the LA marathon which has been going on for four months. They have been running weekly and the marathon is in two months. So it would be crazy to even ask to sign up, even though physically I could probably jump into the run. The same with the writer's group I had contacted. How to join a writer's group when you haven't written anything? So there is a theme here of moving too fast, although the sense that time is running out is certainly a motivation. In fact, the more I think about it, joining a marathon training group that already has been going on for four months is a pretty good metaphor for what I am trying to do with my life.

Peter in LA, Day 3

Nothing on the rental front today, except the realization that I will either have to rent a shithole for six months or live with a roommate, neither scenario which excites me. And another mishap today. I decided this was going to be a day off from the rent search (not like there's ever been a day on exactly). So I was going to go to WB studios in the morning and then to Santa Monica in the afternoon. But I get the wrong directions off of mapquest so spent the morning misdirected but in fact did manage to find a new run in Griffith Park. So I went back to my room to regroup and made it to WB for the one o'clock show and then made it to Griffiths Park for a nice run up, up a mountain--the run shown to be by the guy the other day. So it turned out an ok day, though no closer to resolving the rental dilemma.

Peter in L.A. day 2

Well, it has been an interesting day. I started by taking a walk/run up Runyon Canyon, not even knowing what the hell it was except a line on my map that looked like it went up into the hills, which it did, a beautiful winding uphill path with great views of the city which seems to serve as the prime dog walking spot in the area. After returning to the hotel room I made an appointment to see this residence hotel which I found on Craigslist. It's called Grammercy Place and as best as I can describe it it is a sort of hostel for adults, very reasonably priced at $210/wk for a two share bunk bed room. There is a common kitchen and laundry as well. I was more than happy to book a week here to carry out whatever the hell it is I plan to do here.

So I moved my meager belongings into yet another starnge room and headed out in the afteroon to explore a bit and drove up to Griffiths Park, an incredibl nature preserve in the midst of LA which I simply would not have imagined as being there. I wandered a couple almost empty trails, doubtless because it was the middle of the day and all respectable folks were working, but still I was amazed to find this greenery. On the way back I stopped at Ralphs, a large supermarket relatively nearby and loaded up on groceries. So excited was I to have the opportunity to prepare my own foods that I probably spent more than I would have if I had bought my meals out.

My search for housing was fairly meager today, but I explain that by the fact that I had to find housing for the upcoming week. I replied to a craigslist ad for a roommate in the nice part ofWest Hollywood around where I stayed last night. In addition, I telephoned someone about a posting for a studio near USC. The studio it turns out will not be shown for another week while the guy with the roommate situation has not responded. All in all, a productive day--in one sense of the term.

Peter in L.A., day 1

For a long time the plan hade been to drive down the Baja penisula. But not only did the prospect of a long road trip not excite me. But truth be told, I was a little bit nervous about driving around Mexico. I am not sure exactly when the plan to go to LA popped into my mind. I think it was one too many self-help books inciting me to seek out my passion. And, truth be told, if I were to name my ideal job, it would be screenwriting. So at some point in the past week or two I started to think about the possibility of moving out to LA for six months and try to see what I could learn about writing for television. I think this idea was primarily borne out of a desire to stay in one place and do one thing as well. The main drawbacks are the expense and futility of the endeavor. The things going for it are that it would allow me to stay in one place and work on one thing.

So I spent hours and hours trying to come up with a plan, searching for a place to stay and some sort of plan of what I would do in LA. I did not necessarily think I would be moving out there, but I at least wanted to go through the motions. So I decided to get a cheap place where I could stay for three or four days and get a feel for things. It would at least get me out of Arizona and moving. However, things went wrong from the starte. It turns out that the hostel I had booked to stay in would not take domestic travelers, so I had to scramble in the late afternoon after driving for seven hours and find a place to stay and wound up staying in some place that cost 3-4 times what the hostel would have cost. I can't even tell you the name of the hotel. It is somewhere on Sunset Boulevard. Not sure what to do tomorrow except that I know I can't afford to stay at this place, which is actually at ($70/night) one of the cheaper places around.

Crossing Boundaries

The Third Chapte is not a continusation of where we have been. It means moving into a different dimension, crossing the border into new territories. Several of the women and men I interviewed claim that their experience of "boundary crossing" instigated newlearning. They speak about boundary crossings in many ways--crossing disciplinary boundaries, crossing the boundaries between art and science, crossing geographical boundaries, crossing the boundareis between work and play. As they naviage the borders, they are forced to learn new skills, take on different tempermental styles, try on new personas, learn how they learn, and reinvent themselves. In navigating these boundaries, people begin to enlarge their repertoire, their range of choices, perspectives and frameworks--their ways of being in the world. They become more layered and multidimensional. In the end, boundary crossing often leads to surpising and paradoxica results. Rather than living and learning on one side or the other side of hte border, forsaking one to join the other, people speak about resisting the either/ors and finding a way to incorporate bothe relams. Ultimately they do not have to choose between divergent paths; they can decide to embrace both. The new learning involves synthesis and integration; the border corssers travel far but never leave home

quote of the day

"All changes, even the most longed for, hae their melancholy; for what we leave behind is part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can be born to enter another."--Anatole France

The Third Chapter

Much of the coping with discontinuity has to do with discovering threads of continuit. You cannot adjust to change unless you can recongize some analogy between your old situation and your new situation. Without that analoyg you cannot transfer learning. You cannot apply skills. If you recognize a problem that you've resolved before, in however different guise, you have a uch greater chance of soliving that problem in the new situation...In composing the Third Chapter, then, we need to create a narrative that seeks to discover and then emphasize the connectin, the similarties, the transpostions from one chapter to the next rather than one that underscores the death of one and the birth of the other ...unless you can find ways to relearn and recycle, you are left with the model of hittin gbottom and starting over. This is the model where you reach a certain point and you are converted, you are boren again, and you completely leave your old life behind...what is importnat is to use the experience up to now, the skills, the learning, to aproach the moment of transition with some memory of what has been learned before, adn therefore the knowledge of what new learning felt like(27-8)

Comment: This makes a lot of sense. There are no clean breaks or fresh starts at this point, which is as it should be. In a way, what is being advocated here is nothing more than the middle way.In fact, as I think about my writing projects, beginning with the current one on the China discussion group, they are in a way an attempt to bring the philosophical training into the world

One alternative

So I was reading some of my fellow bloggers on chinalovematch.net when I came across one who was describing his most recent sojourn into Thailand: "It was still early, but a few bar patrons began filtering in on their small motorbikes. A man arrived shortly after me and sat one stool away, so I struck-up conversation. Howard, 52, was from California and had sold his small Web design company. He was now enjoying life travelling and staying on the “Cheap” in a small guesthouse much cheaper than mine. His motorbike was rented for 150 Baht/$5 USD a day providing great freedom to explore at will. December and January was perfect motorbike weather, warm to hot, but not too humid with prevailing breezes off the Andaman Sea."
--I need to remember this is always possible, simply traveling, traveling simply. And it might even seem to be where things are headed given the Rolf Potts quote and the chance the unknown text.

When completely stuck, chance the unknown

"This advice to chance the unknown rquires two things: (1) you're really stuck, meaning that you have absolutely no idea of what you want to do with the rest of your life, and nothing I've shared so far is particularly helpful; and (2) you've tot that internal, green-light indictor saying, "Hey, I could handle some huge life changes right now, and I could make them without jeopardizing my present responsibilities." If these two criteria are met, then consider chancing the unknown. And by this, I mean consider making a major life change--moving to a new city, state or country; going back to school; or changing your career. Assuming you've tot that inner green light and you are not going to burn any bridges in your immediate circle, take the big leap. By making a huge life change, you exponentially increase the opportunity that the Universe will have to reach into your life, make adjustments, and show you new possibilities."
---from "Manifesting Change" by Mike Dooley

The Passion Test

Toda's self-help book is The Passion Test by Janet and Chris Atwood. The first part of the passion test is to make a list of your passions, 10-15 things that you absolutely love
1. First make a list of at least ten of the most important things you can think of that would give your life a joy, passion and fulfillment. Begin each one with a verb related to being, doing or having, which completes the sentence: "When my life is ideal, I am_______" Close your eyes and picture your ideal life. What are you doing? Who are you doing it with? Where are you? Make this list, realizing it is just a first list. Let your list sit for a while. Come back to it in a few hours, or tomorrow.
2. Identify which are the most important using the following guidelines
a. If you had to choose between having the first passion and the second passion, which would youtake?
b. Continue comparing the one you choose with the next one until you go through the entire list. The one you end up with is your first choice
c. Go through the remainder of the list in the same fashion until you identify your five most important passions

2.

Simplicity

Indeed, the freedom to go vagavondng has never been determined by income level; it's found through simplicity--th conscious decision of how to use what income you have. And, contrary to opopular stereotypes, seeking simplicity doesn't require that you become a monk, a subsistence forager, or a wild-eyed revolutionary. Nor does it mean that you must unconditionally avoid the role of consumer. Rather, simplicity merely reuires a bit of personal sacrifice: an adjustment of your habits and routines within the consumer society itself. At times, the piggest challenge in embracing simplicity will b3e the vague felling of isolation that fcomes with it, since private sacrifice doesn't garner much attection in the frenetic world of mass culture."

--from Vagabonding, Rolf Potts

Risk Reflection

1.Consider a creative dilemma you are facing now: what is the dilemma?
2. Consider how you might tackle it in the most exciting, interesting and innovative ways you can imagine. Don't censor yourself in any way. Don't let shoulds or should nots come into play. Don't allow the practical to rear its head. Simply allow yourself to play an imagine. Write and doodle in your sketchbook all the ideas and images that come to mind
3. Identify where the risks are and fully imagine the impact of those risks. What do you fear might happen? What is your worst-case scenario if you were to move forward?
4. Decide which of those risks is smallest. What could you do to manage the smallest risk?
5. Continue to examine risks in order of severity and come up with strategies.
6. Record thoughts and feelings about how and whether to proceed

Risk Taking

The section on risk taking advises us to take smallar risks rather than larger ones. Don't quit your day job is probably sound advice, but it'sobviously too late for that. It does relate the story of a woman who quit her career in the children's publishing business at about my age and my financial situation. Things turned out well for her--not working out so well here. Anyway one of the exercises is to create a 2 week plan of small risks

Day----------Risk---------------------------Why it's risky

A Creative Dilemma

A Creative Dilemma
--Arises out of tension between our current reality and a sensed that things can be different
--Presents a choice between a known and an unknown
--Poses the question: Do I act or not act on this choice?
--Is resolved by our commitement to create something in our lives that did not exist before
--Launches us into the exploration dimension

Becoming a Life Change Artist

The subtitel for this book is: 7 Creatvie Skills to Reeinvent yourself at Any Stage of Life. It uses the careers of great artists as models we can use to change our own lives. These seven skills are: Prepartion, Seeing, Using Context, Embracing Uncertainty, Risk Taking, Collaboration and Discipline

Final Exercises

1.Take all the information you have gahered about yourself and study it. Based on you rnew insighs aboutwho you are, come up with a list of whats. By tis I mean make a list of all the possible packages (jobs, careers roles) that yoou who cold fit into. Alllow the list ot be as varied as possible. The onlcriteria is that it be soemthing you would be atracted todoing.

2. Take your list of possible packages an, as you consider each obe, ask yoruself it if really interest you enough to keep it on the list...go downthe list and elimnate packages you dont relaly see yourself commtting to

3. Research

Another quote

"How do you knowyou've found it? How do you know if you've uncovered a sense of pupose that can move you forward? There are two simple criteria. One is that your purpose is something that rquires no retraining. YOu are instantly qualified to perform it, becauseit has been part of you allalong. Granted, if you were to make a career of it, you might need some formal training or license, but for the most part it is something you can immediately do in some form...The secon criterin is that our purpsoe is osmething that ipacts other people. It is an answer to howyou serve th whole...You will immediately feel differtntly abouyour life and your situation when you start living from a sense of purpose every day.

Exercise: Jot dwon a list of who's:Who would you liket o become as you move forward? What sort of person would you like to be?

The Essence of Dream

Bring forth the burning dream or desire you have withn you now, or one that you had to abandon a long time ago. Alternatively, you might write down all the things you have dreamed of doing at one tie or another and look for what they have in common...Take pen to paper and ask yourself: what would be (or would have been) posssible if I became successful at mydreamss/...Answer and pay specific attention to how you would impact other peple and the owrld if you were to sccueed at the package you have choset. What would be possible for people or the world if you had scceeded at your dram.YOu answer will yiled th yokd, the essence of what your dream relalyrepesntes...

Package------------------Essence

Another quote

"The mistake that we make is that we focus on the package and, for most of us, the package is rigid. Being a broadcater, b business person, a world travelr, a parent, or whatever your dream is does nto leave room for negotiation. YOu either become that thing or you don't. But when you focuse on the essence of the dream, you are dealing with something malleable. You are dealing with who you get to be by doing it.It can fit in many other packages and come in many forms. It canmove.A rigid dreamcannot. Tus it is no the dreams form you necesarly want as much as what you thnk the dream offers

NW quorw

The first step out of anything is to start being fully who you are, even udner the pressure, disain, or misery of your current situation or job. It requires no job search or life planning, which makes it the most aailable and immediate option you have. YOu've got nothing ot lose by trying to right a situation that is so wrong.If this technique fails, you will have all the o=confirmation you need that it istime to do something abu th situaiton anyway.. take the next step. Correct what doesn't work.

Now What: Ex 1

Put pen to paper and take a journey from the past to the present. Start from teh beginning and document your life. Use bullet points instead of writing prose...Include significant accomplishmetns from as far back as you remember, and also jobs and roles you filled thourhout your life. Include loves, hobies and epereinces that formed you: moving, divorces, births, job changes, challenges, milestones, acheivments. WHen you are don, read a=it throuhg and abosrb each stage and start looking for clues.

Now that I think of it

Now that I think of it, it might have been an interesting use of that month in the cabin to buy a bunch of self-help books and pore over them and write something up about it.Could have been a good use of that month. As it were, it seems right now to have been a waste.

Now What

"I have seen time and again that there is a surprise disappointment indoing nothing and being needed nowhere. I find this especially grue for men, who often crete their whole identities around work. If they find themslves without being needed by a workplacc, they can feel very disorinted and often worhtless."'

"Saying good-bye to the package will be harder than taking stock of your net gain from your experience. The reason for this is that we have culutually learned to atach more value, and inherently our self-worth, to the package than we have to the growht that came with it. This is why we get so much oppostion from the people in our life when we decide to move away from something that seems to be working well for the people who are watching our lvies--for example, giving up what looks like a successful career that is in reality making you miserable."

-from "Now what: 90 days to a new life direction"

Reading Lyotard

So while I am at Borders I am also reading and taking notes for the Postmodernism course I am supposed to teach in the fall. Currently I am reading Lyotard's The Postmodern Condition. ON the one hand, I do find all this stuff sort of fascinating because it is all new to me. As someone trained in the anlaytic tradition, I have dismissed most of this postmodernism stuff. But it is actually pretty interesting. On the other hand, I do have this "doctor, my brain hurts" feeling and right now really feel as if this is not the time to be engaging the analytical part of my brain.

Stuck in Unstuck

In Borders reading self-help books again. At random I pick up a book, Unstuck, which is supposed to be "Your Guide to the Seven Stage Journey out of Depression." But it seems pretty worthless. I turn to the chapter called "Surrend to Change" which starts in a promising manner. It promises to demonstrate how "letting go of control can actually move you forward in your journey. I think, sure, this sounds right. In a sense I have been trying to control things by trying to come up with a plan, even though up to this point I haven't been able to. But the chapter is about meditation, yoga and exercise. Which I am sure are all fine, but which I am already doing.

A Plan?

I really cannot stay in this house more than one more week. That's it. Really. So what are my options:

1/15-1/18 (Phoenix)

1/19-until I get galleys (Baja)

Galley Day +3-Feb 17 (Tucson)

2/17-2/22 (chicago)

2/22-4/22: (Japan/Thailand)

5/10-5/24: (Hawaii)

And after Baja

And after Baja, things get even more vague if that is possible. Maybe go to Chicago in mid-February for a ski trip, then to Thailand for a couple of months and return in late April before the book comes out. Then there are a couple of conferences I could promote my book at. Finally, there is a couple month driving around America tour I have planned.

Baja

Right now I am contemplating a trip to Baja after I finish reviewing the manuscript and running a half marathon. It's a stupid thing to do on a number of counts. First, it is going to cost too much, even if I drive and stay in cheap hotels. Second, it is dangerous, especially because I will be driving down alone. Not only are there crazy drivers on the road, but as anyone who reads the news knows, there is a lot of drug crime in Mexico, not to mention the hassle from police at all the checkpoints. Finally, a three week trip I am contemplating will completely eliminate the modicum of physical conditioning I have build up. But since it is stupid, I will probably do it.

Stuck

Picked up a book with this title at Borders. It was interesting, although I only leafed through it. One chapter was focused on being stuck in the present, which seemed to describe my current condition. The author describes how we have lost the ability for delayed gratification and want everything now and that this somehow leads to us being stuck in the present. Not sure what the argument is, but it made sense when I was reading it. I should pay close attention because I am about to make a move that is going once again to squander precious resources.