Bardo is the word

Bardo is the word for today. I've always been more of a Theravada than a Tibetan Buddhist. I mean, with Theravada Buddhism there is a relatively limited body of texts you can acquainy yourself with that at least purport to be the words of the Buddha. In Mahayana, there are just too many texts going off in too many directions for my limited brain to get a handle on, and Tibetan Buddhism is, as a friend of mine put it, way too busy. For one thing, more gods than you can shake a stick at, if that's your idea of a good time. Don't get me wrong. I love the Dalai Lama. And the notion of a bardo state--the state between dying and entering the next life that is discussed in the Tibetan Book of the Dead. And I have been thinking about it as of late, not knowing what to make of it or drawing any profound concluisons, just recognizing that is where I was, when today I had an experience that drove this point home in a profound fashion

I ran into an ex-colleague today while hanging around my ex-university town waiting to finish up some paperwork necessary for the Peace Corps, trying to keep a very low profile. And the conversation we had was just bizaare. I mean, we talked like everything was normal except it wasn't. It reminded me of the conversation you someimes have with someone who has cancer. It was just like the cancer conversation in which you talk about everything else but the cancer, just so my current position or lack thereof was never mentioned. Instead, we talked like nothing had happened, like it was every other conversation for the past fifteen years and I would see him on campus tomorrow and maybe go hiking this weeking. Except I wouldn't do either. Hell, if all goes well I may leave in a few days so will probably never see him again. So it was just strange having a conversation like everything was the same when everything was so different. My life here is dead. But of course, leaving here in a day or a week is not going to change that. The old, "wherever you go..." line. It is just so much more obvious being here that my past life is dead and that at the moment there is nothing to take its place. And that, my friends, is bardo.

Marathon as Symbol

I ran a half marathon race yesterday as part of my training for a full one. For some reason I can't quite put my finger on, I've decided it's important that I run a marathon as part of this process. I've run marathons before, but was never really big on them and haven't done one for a while. I'd much rather train to run good ten ks and half marathons. They don't rip up the body like training for and running a marathon. I mean, there's a reason the Greeks had no event that remotely resembled this tortorous 26.2 mile contest of endurance. They were much too sane for such activity. They did have long distance runners. But they were used to transmit messages, although the story you hear about the guy who ran to Athens to convey message of the victory at the Battle of Marathon is a complete fabrication.

In any case, I have run them every now and then and admit to feel a certain satisfaction afterwards which completing nothing else can really approximate. But what really set me off was Haruki Murakami's book What I Talk About When I Talk About Running, which I happened across at a bookstore in the Bangkok airport this summer. Every once in a while I will stubmle across a book completely unplanned that I can immediately sense will have some significance and I had that feeling very strongly with this book. Despite being a philosopher (well, despite having been a philosopher) I place a good amount of credence in some things that go beyond reason and cannot be ultimately proven. More on this later (or maybe in another entry).

It is interesting to speculate what about this book set me off. For one, I guess, the thing I regretted about being on this two month swing through Asia--which was a great time--was that I was just starting to get back in shape when I left for this trip--after two years in China where it was incredibly difficult to train. And the book, which relates Murakami's more than twenty year and still going love affair with running, reminded me of what an important value that is in my life. I've run since high school, though at some points in my life more than others. And I think what this book was telling me was to start getting serious about it again.

So I guess it is some sort of symbol, though generally I'm not a big fan of symbolic gestures. But here it seems a way to prove to myself that I can carry something difficult through to completion, and if I can finish off a marathon, well, there may be hope in other areas where I have to work through difficulties. At least that's what it feels like now.

So after the semester ended I took this two month trip to Japan, Thailand and ultimately back to China. One of the things I regretted was I was just starting to get back into shape when I took off on this trip.



So while I am generally not much drawn by the need for openly overt gestures like running a martahon as a symbol for something, for some reason it is important for me to run a marathon before leaving on the Peace Corps assignment. This was something I envisioned when I first saw the Peace Corps posting, which in a way set me off on my resignation. Again, it had to do with an intution.



Now, I know you can't go hog wild relying on these things. And they need to be checked and rechecked to see if they make sense. But at the end of the day, I think we need to rely on these.







gave me the bug again. I've been running since high school

Yesterday

Plans keep getting interrupted by extenral events and need to be altered. First it was the notice from the Peace Corps which essentially required me to put aside the trip the the Buddhist retreat center. And then yesterday I got the first piece of positive feedback on the book I've written about the two years with the Peace Corps in China. As a result, though, I will probably have to put aside any travel plans I had for the time before the Peace Corps starts in early November in order to complete a polished version of the manuscript. I have a feeling this is going to be a theme. Plans made being interrupted by events as they happen. Although I think it is good to have a plan, I think it is important not to proceed with eyes set too rigidly on any one particualar course of action lest you fail to take account of events as they are unfolding. I've always been one to believe that the universe may be trying to tell you something so you need to keep your ears open.

Your separation from Weber State University is complete

That was the subject heading in the e mail I received today from my university. I mean, it's not like I expected a big thank you for your years of service. But that seemed a little harsh. The content of the letter was not much better:

Dear Vernezze, Peter J,
Please be advised that your access to all Weber State University information and resources terminated as of 26-AUG-2009 with the exceptions of GroupWise email and eWeber access. GroupWise and eWeber access will be available for 30 days from the above mentioned date.

I mean, seriously, a thank you would have been nice.

But as if to balance that piece of unpleasantness today as well I received a notice that I have been accepted into the Peace Corps Indonesia program. This is one of what is known as Peace Corps Response, short term programs for returned volunteers. This one involves training teachers in Indonesia. Only three volunteers are going. It starts in early November and ends in June. So barring something unforessen, that is the plan. I was supposed to hear about this a few weeks ago but it seems they are having some difficulties with final arrangements with the Indonesian goverment, and they still are not exactly certain of when we are going to depart. But I accepted the position. The only drawback is that I was scheduled to go to the Shambhala Mountain Center for about three weeks as a volunteer for the "take down" of their temporary summer structures , and I was told with the materials arriving early next week that will include various forms and clearances and medical appointments that it is not a good idea for me to be out of contact for that long a time. So that will unfortunately have to be put to the side.

If I hadn't gotten the Peace Corps I was going to travel to India November-January and then study in China for a semster. But this to me is a no brainer, because if there is one rule that I do invoke these days it is the "where can I be of the most use" rule. And that makes the choice of the Peace Corps position over the other alternative fairly straight forward and easy.

But of course the long term issue is not resolved, that is, what do I do when this is over for a second act. I have tentatively told myself I will go to graduate school for an MSW the fall when I return, but that is just so I can feel like I have some structure. It is not something I am particularly commited to, at least right now. I will continue to explore alternatives and, like I have said elsewhere, I think it's a good idea not to have a definite plan about the future once you have left a career you have invested a substantial amount of time in just like it's not a good idea to jump into a serious relationship right after you've just gotten out of one. The soul needs time to settle, and I hope to follow the Taoist maxim, "muddy water after it's settled becomes clear."

Leaving Academia

At a particularly low point in a particularly low day--low, I think, because I received a couple of e mails from the university regarding my "separation" from the university, supplying me with a list of things I needed to take care of, including but not limited to giving back my keys and sending in my parking pass--I was uplifted by a quote from a posting on the website Leaving Academia (www.leavingacademia.com) . It's from a the movie directer (not the dead actor) Steve McQueen. . Here it is

"At the end of the day, you know, we die. It’s not about money or how much stuff you can take with you–it’s all about what you do. As long as I can pay my mortgage, I’m happy–it’s as simple as that. Therefore we can take risks, because what else is there? There’s nothing else to do, literally. As long as you can have shelter and you can eat and you’ve some clothes on your back, what else is there to do but to take risks?"

Since I don't even have a mortgage, I guess I have even less to worry about. Of course, to paraphrase Henry Kissenger, there are risks and there are risks. I take it this isn't a license to have sex without a condom or play a round of Russian Roulette. But I think I have a sense to what sort of actions this prescription applies to and at least for tonight I'm willing to classify my choice along with these.

And I can't close tonight without commenting on the irony of the fact that when I was going into philosophy everyone thought I was crazy for going into it and now that I'm leaving people think I'm crazy for getting out. No pleasing some folks.

Shopcraft as Soulcraft

So a friend of mine recommended a book that I have been working my way through and recommend. It's called "Shopcraft as Soulcraft" by Matthew Crawford. Crawford received a Ph.D. in Politics from the University of Chicago, got a job at a Washington think tank and quit after one year to open a motorcycle shop, which he has been happily doing ever since. The book is an obvious homage to Pirsig's "Zen and the Art of Motorcylce Maintenance," and Crawford does not hide that fact. But it's much more about the satisfaction of working with your hands. And it's also about how the way that sort of labor is viewed in America has changed over time and about how it is more or less looked down upon. And neglected, as Crawford sites the number of high schools that have cut shop. One of my favorite quotes from the book is "The trades are a natural home for anyone who would live by his own powers, free not only of deadenbing absraction but also of the insidiuos hopes and rising insecuriteis that seem to be endemic in our current economic life. Freedom from hope and fear is the stoic ideal." Crawford has the good fortune to have been working on cycle his entire life and did not just pick it up later in life. Unfortunately, I have no talent in this area or any of the manual arts, so that is not an option. His advice for college students to pick up a trade sounds like good advice

It should be remembered that the academic philosopher is a fairly recent invention, starting, I think, with Kant. In fact my two favorite philosophers in history were insistent on having trades by which they supported themesleves, Spinoza with grinding lenses and Rousseau with copying music. Of course, with Rousseau it's a little more complicted but he at least speaks of how important it was to have a profession by which to support himself and remain independent, though he was not above taking free rent (though he did turn down a stipend from a king). So I've always found that ideal very appealing. .

The first day of the rest of,,,,oh forget it

Well, today was the first day of classes at my university and hence my first official day as a former academic (although technically this won't start until I sign the contract for the terminal sabbatical which I'd hoped to do today given the ways lawyers work of course is taking longer than you'd think).

I have been thinking today (not only today but especially today) about a friend of mine from many years ago who made a life changing choice that demonstrated to me what true courage is. This was someone who changed gender, and when I think of personal bravery I think of him (now her). Despite incredible societal disapproval and social pressure, she was faithful to her vision of what path she should follow. My change, no matter how drastic, will never compare to what she did. When I conceive of the difficulties of my own situation, and especially the inner chaos that often arises, I think of her and I know she went through a lot of the same self questioning and emerged on the other end of it. It is a great source of reassurance and comfort to be personally acquainted with someone who struggled with the same issues about whether to follow a comfortable, easy route that others expected or to strike out on a new path that would invovle risks and that others would think incredibly foolish. Again, what she did is on such a vastly higher scale than what I am undertaking. It is like someone who is training for a first marathon being inspired by an Olympic athelte, and I will stick with that comparison because I think of what she did in the personal realm was truly Olympian. My own burden really does become lightened when I contemplate her journey. I also come to believe, albeit slightly, that it is possible to come out of the other end of this in a better position than you went in, that if you are faithful to your vision of what you should be, a positive outcome is possible, even if it may not look as such to the rest of the world.

Park City

Well, getting ready to leave Park City which has been both a pleasant retreat and a place of suffering. Pleasant because of its abundant hiking and running trails, the wonderful weather we've had and the relatively comfortable digs (and not inexpensiv) digs I have put myself in. Probably the nicest I will see for a while. Painful because with me every day has been the heaviness of this decision which, as I pointed out yesterday, reminded me of nothing so much as the period spent watching my sister die.

For sustenance I've run off Pico Iyer's essay of about six weeks ago about he left New York over twenty years ago and has settled for a simple life in Japan. Cut off from muchof modernity, he enjoys the daily simplicities ever so much more. He, too, left a comfortable job (but of course for him it doubtless would have been pretty easy to go back) to live a year at a zen monastary. Twenty years later he is still near that monastary living in a two room apartment. I finish with a quote "If you're the kind of person who prefers freedom to security, who feels more comfortable in a small room than a large one and who finds that happiness comes from matching your wants to your needs, then running to stand still isn't where your joy lies." Now, that doesn't apply exactly to my situation, but there is enough there that it's worth noting down.

O.K. I'm outta here

Exhuasted

One thing about how long this has dragged on--and I think it has been more than three weeks since I sent the initial letter--is that by the time I actually sign the contract sometime hopefully early next week, is that I will be so fucking exhausted so as not to care anymore. This has just been the most exhausting stretch of time since my sister died. And there has been a lot of parallels: the constant tiredness, the never feeling relaxed or at rest, the inability to be refreshed by a night's sleep. And I guess it really is like something dying, because this has been who I have been for more than twenty years. So I think it is somewhat fitting there has been this long drawn out vigil, and that I didn't just sign a contract at the end of last year and leave it at that

Next Step

Well I felt I needed to line something up for the next stage of the journey. I knew I was going to be back in town in a month for medical reasons. But what about the next month. The prospect of just driving around and camping, while it sounded good in theory (maybe not even good in theory) would have practically have been a pain in the ass. So I came up with two alternatives. The first was to work at Yellowstone for a couple of months, the other was to do the takedown at Shambhala MOuntain Center, the Buddhist retreat center in Red Feathers Lake. IN both cases, I would have at least been able to have a roof over my head and been doing something and not running around. The Yellowstone commitment was for two months, the Shambhala one for about three weeks. In the end, because they got back to me pretty quickly, because it was less of a time commitment and because of the symbolism invovled in going to some spiritual place after this is over, I chose the SMC, and I think it is a good idea. So I will leave Park City on SUnday (and maybe spend Monday in Ogden to clean things up) and then head to Shambhala.

In general, things have opened up a piece at a time here. I have not been able to see far into the future, just enough to get by. It's like there is a fog that is parting just enough for me to see enough ahead to avoid crashing or getting shipwrecked or whatever your voyage metaphor of choice is. First it was the Park City stint and now it is Shambhala. So I make tentative plans but should be aware that they may have to be changed.

Peace Corps delay

This is getting agonizingly painful. I thought I would have had this wrapped up a week or so ago, certainly no later than yesterday. But the situation with the attorney is taking longer than I thought, and just today the Peace Corps contacted me that they still had not firmed things up with the Indonesian government and would need a few more weeks. I mean, I know the Peace Corps situation technically should not effect my decision one way or another, but somehow the delay put a cloud over the plans and my ability to say, I resigned and went into the Peace Corps for a year. Plus the Peace Corps thing reallydoes provide a structure for the next year and God knows I badly need structure.

But for all that I have been through and for how long this has been going on (how long has this been going on?) I still am not certain. Indeed, I spent a good amount of time yesterday trying to figure out if I could get back into the Denver program, only to find out that all the classes were filled. You snooze, you lose. I mean, I think in the end it is probably for the best, since not only do I not have the energy to teach and go to graduate school, but throw in a commute every weekend to Denver, and I just think, no way. Still, it would have given me something solid, structured and safe for the next couple of years as well as something to transition into. And that was all very tempting. Not so tempting is this black hole I am staring at.

The morning of the day

Well, it is the morning of the (albeit only about ten minutes into the morning) when I am to hear from the Peace Corps. Not that hearing from the Peace Corps will be any determiner in what I ultimately do. If I leave, I would leave regardless of whether I got the Peace Corps assignment, and if I decided against the odds to stay, well, I would simply tell the Peace Corps something came up with my university. But once I get the offer (if I get the offer) I will tell them I will have a decision in 24 hours. And then the clock will start ticking. Maybe once something concrete is put into place, the rest of my time will be able to be organized in a meaningful fashion, for right now I have no idea what I will be doing in a week or where I will be doing it. How long has it been since the original e mail that set this all in motion. I have certainly been dragging this out for a while and that fact has taken its toll. Once everything is signed, sealed and delieverd hopefully I can get out of this state of panic--and into another state of panic. Move from "whether to do this?" to "what have i done?











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Lion taming and leaving academia

Somtimes I wonder if I'm not like the guy in the Monty Python skie, the accountant who goes into the career counselor because he wants to be a lion tamer. It soon becomes apparent that he believes that aardvarks are lions, and thinks he is going to get into some exciting new career fighting aardvarks instead of going against the king of the jungle. When he finds out what his new proposed job entails, he decides maybe he better slow down, and perhaps make the transition in a little less extreme fashion perhaps, say, via banking.

It seems I am slowly realzing what this new situation entails, the possibility of little or no income, little or no insurance, long job searches, perhaps menial work. Maybe this lion taming thing isn't all it's cracked up to be. At least this ishow it feels this morning, as a cold front has come through transforming summer into a dreary reminder of late fall.

Keep it simple

I am not sure I have anything particularly enlightening to say. I know the Tibetans have a word to describe the state one awaits in between death and life, and that is sort of what it feels like. I am still awaiting to hear the final word from the lawyer before making the last call, but in essence it is all but made. Now it is just a matter of when to pack it up for good. I still have to get rid of some stuff from my storage shed, most notably this bed I bought last year. I have to figure out what to put in the car. I have rented the room I am in until August 23rd, and if I can get my car registered and my teeth cleaned by then, I should be able to leave not long after that. Where to go, though, I cannot quite say. Of course much depends on whether I get and/or accept the Peace Corps assignment. But my thinking is to take a long drive back to Tucson while camping my way there and arriving there sometimes in mid Septemeber. OF course, there is the clonoscopy to think about, which would entail either by driving back to Ogden or flying into Ogden. Not sure how that is going to fit into things.

My therapist suggested some sort of ritual around leaving and I guess that is a good idea. However, my model is the way they had the character from Law and Order leave, Jerry Orbich, who was dying at the time. He doesn't tell anyone, picks up his box and leaves. It should be as simple as that. I seem to recall as well a line from Marcus Aurelius about how the Athenians pray fro rain. They simply say something like "rain, Zeus, rain" and Marcus comments all prayers should be that simple. So perhaps should all rituals. I mean, I was thinking about going to the Uintas and making a bonfire and burning all of my remaining academic materials. And I still might do that. But really, just packing things up and leaving should be enought

How to decide?

At the end of the day, people will for the most part tell you what you want to hear. If you are enthusiastic about leaving, they will support you in this and tell you about the exciting opportunities that await. If you are skeptical and nervous, they will urge caution, tell you that you can be happy where you are. At the end of the day, you can rely only on yourself to make your decision. There are no signs, or if there are signs, they are like what Sartre talked about with respect to the man who had failed at relationships again and again and decided to join the priesthood. The truth is, as Sartre says, he could have read the signs either as suggesting resignation or as urging perseverence. So you cannot rely on people or signs to help you make the decision.

Don't rely on websites either. I looked on one. It might be worth going through the various options offered and cashing this out in terms of them. The most common method is to have you list the pros and cons. My favorite is a sight that allows you to flip a quarter or use an 8 ball. And then there is the virtual I Ching, which I tried as well, a couple of times. The thing is, that you can interpret all of these either way.

In the end, the method that appealed most to me, and I would like to think it was the one I went with, involved Sartre's notion that in the end you will be what you have willed yourself to be. Ask yourself, do you want to have been nothing but an academic for your whole life. And the answer came back 'no'. I want to be a person who at least tried to experiment a little bit with his live, albeit a little late in the game. So I think I chose based on the sort of person I wanted to be, and there was nothing more magical than that.

a good shrink

Saw my shrink yesterday, and in general I think if you are going to make a bit transition like the one I am contemplating, I think psychogolocial counselling is a necessity. This particular counselor I have known for more than fifteen years, and he has seen me through almost everything. He was particularly concerned about me last year, because I had more or less withdrawn into a shell. I was like a deer in the headlights. I could not see how to make a move. I would go to school, teach my classes and go home. The only change I had made was to move down to Salt Lake so I would not have to be near Ogden. But this meant I had a rather longish commute each day. In retrospect, I don't believe how much I shut myself up last year. At the very least, I could have gone to the zen temple. And so much more. It was not a very good year.

Anyway, I made myself go and see him after I made this decision. I stuck around the area much longer than I otherwise would have just so I could talk to him, because I am not really talking this over with anyone, which is probably a mistake, although in the end, this is a decision you have to make for yourself. And as I told him, you will never know if you are right. I was thinking of a line off the latest Cat Stevens (or whatever his name is) album. 'There's only one right road, and that's the one you chose'. In any case, I wanted to get a sense that I was not doing anything crazy, and I think he definitely would have stopped me if he had thought that. He just recommended I buy "The Power of Now" which I did. He says I look a lot better than I have in a while, in terms of my attitude. I can't tell. I will have to take his word on it

Marriage and Tenure

I really can't speak for anyone else, but I have been having incredible ups and downs in the period since I made the decision to leave my tenured position. The posting about health insurance a few days ago was certainly written during one of the "down" periods. But there are plenty of times when I feel hopeful and optimistic about the future. Facing the unkknown for the first time does have something exciting about it. But then, so again does jumping off a cliff.

But that's not what I wanted to talk about today. I wanted to discuss the previous post about moving from one position into another. Generally speaking, as I said, I think it's a pretty good idea not just to walk away from a job without having another job--or the real good possibility of a job--waiting for you. And, all things equal, it is better to look for a job if you already have a job; it puts you in a position of strength. But in the case of a professor leaving a tenured position, or anyone similarly situated (is there anyone similarly situated) I simply do not think this is the best course to follow. My guess is a tenured professor who is contemplating leaving has put a good 12-15 years of his life, if you count graduate school, into his position (more in my case). It has probably been the defining charactersitic of their identity--how they define themselves and how others define them. I just don't think it's a good idea to walk out of that into another position any more than I think it would be a good idea to leave a long marriage and walk right into another marriage. In both cases, having left or lost something substantial, there needs to be time to grieve, time to think, time to search. This is why, painful as this is, I think I am making the right decision--at least this afternoon.

health care crisis

The health care crisis I am referring to is my own. The biggest sticking point in this whole thing is health insurance. I am fairly certain that if I could be guaranteed health insurance at a reasonable price, I would be able be able to go that last 5-10 percent. As the situation stands, I would come away with 2 1/2 years of health insurance. But there is no guarantee after that. My fear is that something comes up during this period and my existing health care coverage runs out and I am unable to pick up anything else. This one thing might decide the situaton. Really have to do some thinking on this one. I seriously think I might have to wait until this health care thing gets decided to make the move. At least that is how I feel right now, this morning.

Just another day

Like every day since I have sent in the letter, I wake up this morning in a semi-state of panic. I am getting a little better at starting the day with meditation, and it is helping a bit. But mostly I see myself as facing an abyss. This feeling is compounded, no doubt, by the immediate situation, by which I mean the fact that I do not even know where I will be sleeping tonight. At a friend's house, I start the morning with meditation, coffee, Chinese pod, and some writing on the book I am working on about the time in China. I want to go running before it gets too hot. And then? That is the question. If I had to guess, I would say I will go to the Uintahs for a couple of days of camping, one night in Park City and get back to Ogden on Friday in time for the appointment with my therapist. And then? Well, if I have three days planned out, I should not complain.

This morning, I kept feeling pulled to the option of going to grad school in Denver while teaching in Utah. On the face of it, of course, it is a crazy option. Teaching and full time graduate school and a 500 mile weekly commute--all at a time when I am exhausted. But what attracts me, not surprisingly, is the security. I can have a stable present and a path laid out to the future. So I consider contacting Denver to see if it is still possible to get in. Or I think about Utah, possibly taking a few courses this semester, whatever fits, and having that be a start to something else. All with the goal of a stable present and a path to the future. Maybe ten years ago I could have taken that route. But this is simply not where I am at right now. Not only because I am too exhausted to teach, much less teach and go to graduate school. But I need some time with the abyss, for lack of a better way put it.

I mean, if pressed (as I will be) I can lay out a couple of options for the future. Option 1 is to take the Peace Corps situation if it arises, with the possibility of starting graduate school the following fall or of spending the next year in China and then starting graduate school. Or I can do Option 1 but end up living by teaching one semester in China and then living in the states and writing/travelling the rest of the time. But the truth is, I just don't know where things will end up, and I have to get comfortable with living with this not knowing

Lawyer

Met with a lawyer today to go over the contract. The only question I had concerned the fact that the contract had left out mention of COBRA, which was something I had specifically asked about. I was also curious about teh 21 day cooling off period which was in the contract. I mean, the dean would put nothing in there out of good will, so there must have been some necessity for that clause. However, there was also a rider where I could override the 21 day clause. Speaking of the dean, I received an e-mail from him reminding me that time is of the essence since they need to higher someone for the fall semester, which starts in less than three weeks. I still wonder whether I should have held out for the on line course. I caved in too quickly on that one. I was so close to writing him back saying, "then i am sorry I caused you the trouble." But the only reason I would have done that would have been out of spite, which is the only reason I would stick around, to spite some people.

Just saw a colleague in the store tonight. He did not realize I had come back last year, thought I had been gone three years. He also asked if I was teaching this fall. Like he'd heard something. So I just said, last time I checked. Well, no doubt people will talk.

If I had to guess where I am right now in terms of certainty that i will leave, I would put it at ninety percent. There is still doubt. As I told my lawyer today, you can never be sure you are doing the right thing. It has been a week, I guess, since I sent in the original e-mail. It has beeen a week of high anxiety, which I guess is to be expected, I mean, if I did not feel incredibly anxious, I think that would be a sign that I had not quite come to grips with my decision.
It is almost impossible for me to get any other work done, for obvious reasons.

It feels strange to be hanging around here, like a ghost.

No more books

The reference is to Phil Ochs's song "No More Songs," which is not the most inspiring song in the world. Indeed, anyone doubting whether Phil was suffering from depression need only listen to the lyrics. I don't mean to draw a parallel, but today I just removed all the books from my office and donated them to the library. Actually, before I left for China in the spring I had boxed everyhing away, which made the situation much more quick than I thought it would be. I had to stop myself from lifting the cover off the boxes and looking at books. When I did this once I saw a book I immediately wanted to keep, JUng's "Two Essays on Analytic Psychology." But if I started down that road, I knew there was no guarantee that it woout stop. So I refused to life any of the lids for the rest of the process. There was some problem with the elevator at first; it didn't seem to be working, which I was going to take as a sign. Fortunately, they kicked in rather quickly. THere were about thirteen boxes in all, and they fit into my little Cavalier, which I drove to the loading dock of the library. I had arranged to deliver the books today, but no one was around to help out. So the woman at the desk gave me her key and told me to unload them myself, which I did rather quickly. There was a lttle blue form to fill ou for the donation, asking if you wanted a nameplate with your name pasted on the inside. It didn't mater to me, I said. I just wanted to be rid of the books. And so I am. So one more of the preconditions of my leaving is in place: my office is cleaned out. I think I was a lot less traumatizd by this then I thought I would be because in part everything is going digital anyway and if I decided to take up the burden again I could get a lot of what I need on line. I also thought of the line in one of the Seinfeld shows, where he said he did not understand why people kept books once they read them. What are they, like trophies?