Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in

Back from Santa Fe. I kept no blog while I was staying at the Zen Center because I was instructed not to do so. But I think the reason given was sound, namely, that when you keep a blog you are conceptualizing your experience already, seeing it in a certain way, thinking about how you are going to write about it rather than simply having the experience. So, I put aside the blogginf for a while. This makes two substantive disruptions: once because TGFW (The Great Fire Wall) and once because of WWBD (What Would Buddha Do?). So having finished things up there I have a lot to write about and say about this experience, but right now I don't feel like dwelling in the past, although I am writing about it and will post something at some point.

The big news is that I've accepted a teaching position in China next year. Starting in September I will be the Foreign Expert at Sichuan University in Chengdu, one of the elite universities in the Chinese educational system. I will be teaching graduate students various and sundry topics in Western thought. I accepted this job with very mixed emotions. On the one hand, I really thought I was out of the academic racket. But, to quote Michael Corlerone: "Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in." Of course, no one is pulling me back in. But I felt I had do to something. I was getting antsy, feeling useless and running out of money. And this job sort of fell into my lap. I tell myself it is just for a year while I research this China book I wanted to write anyway. But I am very ambivalent.

This means, though, I need to figure out what to do from January to July. The book is finally scheduled to come out in late April, and I want to be around for that. But before and after that time, I really don't have any plans. I need to formulate some. More on this later.

Evening Chant

"Life and death are of supreme importance.Time swiftly passes by and opportunity is lost.Each of us should strive to awaken. Awaken. Take heed, do not squander your life."

Temporary new blog address

While I am at the Paths of Service program, I will be blogging at http://peteratupaya.blogspot.com/

WTF

Leave Tomorrow for Sante Fe. Another time of loading up my car with all my worldly possessions. I have already moved enough for one lifetime, hell, for several lifetimes. So tired of this shit. Just want to find one place to settle down. But I really don't see that as happening anytime soon, if ever. I mean, part of me just wants to skip the Zen Center and keep on driving, or maybe just find an apartment someplace. But no, should submit to the discipline...Wish I had spent this summer doing something of significance. Working in Yellowstone or volunteering in SMC or just driving around the country ala Glen (where is Glen). Will say it for the last time, can't believe I spent it in Tucson...While I was here, I at least should have kept up with the CLM and done some chatting. Would have given me something to do and provided a chapter in the book. Perhaps can do that at the Zen Center!...Not sure what to make of this job in China in the fall...Not something I want to do, going back to academia, but at least it is doing something. I can always look for a job in the meantime and take it if nothing else comes up...Or, as seems more likely, I can simply travel in the interval

Howl

Watching the movie "Howl" last night. Late in the film, they show the Ginsberg character talking about a pivotal momemt in his life. From what I have read of Ginsberg, it is a true story. He is in his twenties, working in San Francisco, seeing a therapist, and he is complaining to his therapist, who asks him what he really wants to do. And Ginsberg tells him, he wants to live in a small apartment with his lover and write, and his therapist tells him, well, why don't you do it. And he does, and the rest is history. Now, it is too late for me to make that move in any meaningful way. But I can at least live out what is left of my life in my own way. The key is to having a clear answer to the question of what you want to do. I mean, in a way, this going to the Zen monastary is not something I particularly want to do. I would like to just go off somewhere by myself for three months or so. But I don't think that would be particularly healthy. So this strikes me as a much saner thing to do, something that might move the ball down the road, although in the end it might say more about a lack of faith in myself than anything.

Along this line, I am going to have to confront the possiblity of teaching next year. In a way, I am glad to have given up that ghost and don't relish returning to the classroom. I tell myself that it would give me something to do. Also, I think about how I could carry out one of my book projects while doing this task. But a year, I tell myself, no more than a year. I mean, the real goal is these three book projects in the next five years, and then seeing what happens, I guess, although if I could find an MSW program I could complete while in China, that would be incentive to stay over there for two years.

And the winner is...

And the winner is...3 months at he Upaya Zen Center (Santa Fe, NM) in the Paths of Service program. First, I want to say that I feel sorry for my parents. I mean, there is no way to explain this to them. My mom, with such questions as "is this a cult?" Well, where do you go from there. I simply possess neither the vocabulary or the energy to explain this to them. I am as sad as they are that I cannot be settled in some normal job raising a family. Second, I am sad for myself, that this is the best I can come up with after a year. I really can't say I expect this to accomplish anything. I recall hearing once someone saying that if all else fails you could always serve as a bad example. And that, it seems to me, is precisely what I have done. I should have left with some concrete plan. I should be able to look back after a year and be able to say that I have actually accomplished something. But I can't. Nor do I seem to be on track to be able to do so at the end of next year. So I don't know where any of this is going to lead. I am also up for a job teaching at Sichuan University next September. And if I get that, I just might travel for about six months--another Februry to June trip and return back to the States and then to China. I have no idea.

Paths of Service?

It looks like things may be heading in the direction of the Paths of Service program at the Upaya Zen Center in Santa Fe. This would be for three months and one week probably beginning around the start of October, which would take me into early/Mid January. This is in line with the sense that I needed to go somewhere and sit for 2-3 months. Here, I will literally be sitting. I probably could have gone to Naropa for a similar period of time, but this will be a new adventure, a new tradition, although if this falls through I may well look to Naropa. I have to admit a little sense of, I don't know, regret, at not being able to travel. Hearing the term "aimless wandering" at the retreat sort of set me off thinking of how that may be what I needed to do for a while. Indeed, if I had the year to do over again, that is what I probably would have done. But isn't that the way it is--I always seem to see things in retrospect. At some point I will have to deal with whether I am going to take the China teaching job. "Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in." Of course, it would be me pulling myself back in. My gut tells me not to take the job if it is offered (which it has not been). But it is such a great opportunity that it might be hard to turn down. On the other hand, I do have the book ideas, and could work on the China book this spring--although I would like to at least try to get an advance for that idea, as well as for the philosopher-chef book. Right now I should at least write up notes for a second chapter of the China book, which would have to do with the correspondances and forum and blog entries.

Woody Allen interview

From a recent interview with Woody Allen in the New York Times
Q.How do you feel about the aging process?
A. Well, I’m against it. [laughs] I think it has nothing to recommend it. You don’t gain any wisdom as the years go by. You fall apart, is what happens. People try and put a nice varnish on it, and say, well, you mellow. You come to understand life and accept things. But you’d trade all of that for being 35 again. I’ve experienced that thing where you wake up in the middle of the night and you start to think about your own mortality and envision it, and it gives you a little shiver. That’s what happens to Anthony Hopkins at the beginning of the movie, and from then on in, he did not want to hear from his more realistic wife, “Oh, you can’t keep doing that — you’re not young anymore.” Yes, she’s right, but nobody wants to hear that.

Always Maintain a Joyful Mind

Read an interesting interview with Jeff Bridges in the Fall Edition of Tricycle. Unofrtunately, it's not online. But I do want to recall one thing, the very last thing he says, where the interviewer asks him if he has any last words, and he mentions the phrase "always keep a joyful mind" and how his wife shouts it to him whenever he is going to work to remind him. Can't think that's a tough call for him but it is a good thing to keep in mind for the rest of us. Always maintain a joyful mind is something I need to remind myself even as I am deeply entrenched in this crisis--probably something I especially need to remind myself of in this situation. Approach this moment with you and wonder.

A little thing called malaria

In Border's right now. I have spend the last hour or two in the travel section. The trip to Southeast Asia has been derailed due to a little thing called Malaria. I still might do it, but I will definitely take anti-malarial meds this time, if I go. Again, not sure this is a risk I want to run. I mean, maybe I am just looking for reasons not to go. But this in fact seems a pretty good one. Picked up a book "500 places where you can make a difference," put out by Frommer's which lists a bunch of volunteer vacations, and there seem a couple of good options here, including one program volunteering in Chiang Mai, which would be a lot cheaper than the Laos trip, though not as interesting. I think if I go to CM it would just make more sense to get certified. Of course, I could get certified and volunteer. But I might choose just to do the certification and then travel around Thailand for a month. That actually sounds like a pretty good option at this point. But hey, who the hell knows.

When in doubt, hit the road

Well, now I am thinking now may be the time to do a trip around southeast asia for a couple of months and then do the retreat. Yeah, That sounds good.

Where do I come up with these things?

The latest twist in "what is Peter going to do with whatever is left of the fall?" saga involves the Path of Service Residential Program at the Upaya Institute. The U.I. is a Zen Center in Santa Fe. They have a minimum three month program in which you participate in zen practice, seminars and also do service work at the site. I ran across it as a result of a random web search. I think I put in something like "New Mexico retreat." It sounds ideal, exactly like what I was looking for: both the time frame and content of the program. I violated my own "sleep on it" criterion and sent in the application for last night. So we will see what happens. I am already finding ways to talk myself out of it. I have a book coming out, I tell myself, so I will have to be able to communicate with my editor during this period. As well I have applied for the job in China. In addition, I will want to keep in regular contact with my parents. So if the program will interfere with any of that, I hear myself saying, then as good as it sounds, it will have to be shelved. The fact is that it would be the best thing in the world for me to be cut off from the internet for three months. I am sure I could work out an arrangement with the publisher and the China job (which is looking less and less likely) is not for another year. But it is interesting the way I am trying to talk myself out of it.

Still, I will need to do something, and soon. Next weekend is the retreat at SMC and the following weekend is the Grand Canyon hike. After that, something, somewhere.

Fallback Plan

The fallback plan is just to get in my car and drive. I will soon make a list of what I would put in the car

The craziness continues

The craziness continues unabated in the morning. Probably should just have stayed up all night so I could at least have a reason to be crazy. Now, well-rested, you would think I might be a little more rational. At least I think that wast he reason I took the xanax last night that I knew would knock me out. But no, the schemes are flying as fast and furious this morning as last night. Most recently, I got the idea of running a marathon every weekend in cities that I might theoretically be interested in moving to, but not necessarily be limited by those cities. So I have saved a page listing marathons for the next two months. It looks like I missed the ZOregon wine coutnry marathon, which was September 5th. A related idea involves just driving around and visiting towns I might consider living in. But the fun just starts there. Last night's favorites--either getting a TEFL certificatin in Chiang Mai or volunteerin in Laos, are still in contention. If I did the Chiang Mai TeFL, I would make a point of trying to train and then run in the Bangkok Marathon onf Nov 21st. It should be added that all of the above would be combined with a 4 week winter dhatun.Then I have considered writing to SMC and renewing my request to simply stay on in a volunteer fashion there indefinitely. And then I have considered doing a trip through China in order to work on the dating book and combining it with a stop over in Thailand either on the way home or there. Let's see, what else do I have on the crazy list. Oh yeah, it is always possible for me to start cooking school in a coupl of weeks. And as if that weren't enough, I just spend time looking up Outward Bound Expeditions as well as Linbladt Expeditions to the Galapagos Islands. I figure I could combine that with a sting volunteering in Haiti and throw in an expedition to Peru at the end (why the hell not). SO I think that is enough craziness. Let's review: (1) Driving/Running around America, (2a) Volunteer Laos (2b) TEFL in Chiang Mai (3) China (4) SMC retreat (5) Cooking School. I still need to include Esalen on here somewhere, since I've checked out a couple of their programs. I get exhausted just thinking about it and can't imagine having the energy to do any of the above

Crazy

What I really should do is record the craziness. For example, detail what exactly it is I have been doing at this computer for the last two hours. So the very last thing I did was check Orbitz for flights from either Tucson or LA to Kuala Lumpur, after having seen how cheap it is to fly from KUL to BKK--if I am right, around $50 USD. But the flights from American to KUL are not cheaper than the flights from America to BKK. So there is really no sense in going to KUL. However, if I did want to go to Chengdu, it looks like this would be a relatively inexpensive route, from BKK to KUL and from KUL to Chengdu (CTU). But this is all predicated on the spend the fall (or what is left of it) in Thailand hypothesis, which is by no means the lead hypothesis. Not that I can say there is a leading contender. That would apply a level of thoughtfulness I cannot be said to have applied to this process. Right now, I am more like a pinball, being flipped from one place to another. What about volunteerin in Laos. That might be personally the most satisfying, but from the look of flights it would also be the most expensive, probably around $2,000 for the flights. Like being sucked into a whirling vortex. Going to have to take one of my few remaining xanexes just to calm down...OK. Took the xanex. In reaction to the possibility of another long plane ride, living overseas, my mind returns to the simplicity of a Buddhist retreat. And now may be the time. I may not be able to wait until the winter dhatun. So I think, well, ok. I will fly up there next weekend (which is already planned) come back and then drive up there, although I should probably do the canyon hike since I sort of commited to that. But no, there is no way I fly up there and then drive back. I know that is not going to happen. I can just fly up there and stay or cancel the flight and just drive up there and stay. I'm thinking, no when I get back I will do the canyon trip and then just go somewhere, not sure where, just drive. Maybe do the plan where I check out potential places to live where they are also having races. Which means I should start looking up races in the West. Hell, maybe I'll just rent an RV. Or maybe I should go to New Zealand as long as I'm renting an RV. Remember that couple who rode their bikes around NZ for a year, or was it two years, or six months. Don't remember. But at least they had a fucking plan. And money too. Shit. No way am I ready to start cooking school. What about the Chinese woman book? Maybe I should be travelling around China. Not if I am going to go there in February. But what if I get the job at Sichuan Univeristy. Then the last fucking place I would want to be is China. I go to Thailand this fall either for the TEFL or the volunteer and I drop at least five grand--I would have to make that credit. That makes driving around the country look good, or finding a retreat...I just do not think I have the energy for an overseas trip this fall...But if I had to choose between the Laos volunteer and the Chiang Mai TEFL...But if I don't go, then what...None of this can be said to even remotely approach making sense

And another thing

And another thing I am thinking. When I arrived here early June I should have said, alright I will be here for two months. But I will use that two months to come up with a plan for the following year. And then I could have broken that task into other tasks, like, sketch out one complete scenario each week, apply for 1 job a week (if nothing else, for practice). Why do I always see things only in retrospect?

No closer to decision

Again, spending so much energy just trying to come up with a next move. I should have sat down last year and said, 'what do I want to have accomplished in a year and how can I go about doing that?' Instead, I just drifted from situation to situation. If I had it to over, I think I would have done the 12 week volunteering in Asia thing. Yes, that would have been meaningful, and no more expensive than what I ended up spending. In any case, things don't look all that better right now. Right now I am looking at doing everything from travelling around China to driving around America to volunteering at a Buddhist retreat center to getting a TEFL certificate overseas to starting cooking school for the fall. One thing I know is that I simply cannot stay here much longer. But I don't know where to go, what to do. In truth, the thought of travel exhausts me.

alternatives

1. Spend the fall at Shambhala Mountain Center (looking unlikely)

2. Enroll in cooking school (Not at this time, I think)

3. 1 month volunteer/TEFl; back Thanksgiving; dhatun (most likely at this point, if most expensive)

what next?

I have to make a decision soon about something to do this fall. I tooks like it will either be:

I. Cooking School

2. A month either volunteer or TOEFL class, 2 weeks travelling and then back to the States for Thanksgiving or therabouts and then do a month dhatun. As for volunteering, we are looking at a minimum of $2,000 for the pgogram and at least $1,000 for the flight, mabye a little less for the TOEFL class, and then $2,000-$2,500 for the dhatun

The Next Big Move?

There are some decisions to be made. If I do this cooking school thing, that more or less eliminates the possibility of an MSW, and with it a respectable career. In truth, I really wasn't looking forward to going back and getting a master's degree. Still, it was a shot at professional respectability. Of course, there is always the philosophical counseling course, which might be as good as anything. So, yeah, I think I am willing to let the MSW thing go. But this means saying good bye to a solid way to earn a living in the future. It was kind of impulsive (imagine that) filling out the application course for the cooking school. Well, it is only twenty-five dollars (twenty-five dollars!). Indeed, it was just this morning when it occured to me that if it was going to be done (cooking school, that is), now was the time to do it. I mean, I had the Arizona residency thing all pinned down (not that that mattered). But I was all situated here already and could start things up quickly and painlessly in that direction rather than trying to transition a whole life. Indeed, if I was going to do the look for woman in China thing, it would make sense to do this cooking school thing before, and not after, since it doesn't make a lot of sense to drag a Chinese girl here to watch me in cooking school. I doubt one would come if that were what were awaiting. And it just seemed from the perspective of a book, this philosopher-chef thing attempting to change some fundamental things about yourself would best make sense if it were done as soon as possible after leaving academia, which technically occured a little more than a month ago--or maybe two months, I've lost count. So I will go up tomorrow and check out the cooking schools and make a decision early next week. The thing is, I need to do something fairly soon; cannot sit around here much longer. In any case, I need to sketch out alternative paths if this falls through. One alternative would involve a winter Dhatun from Dec 11-Jan 8th, which would mean I would probably want to be back in the States for Thanksgiving, which would mean, if I did the Canyon trip, that I would have from the end of September until late November to do something/go somewhere. And I could just randomly travel somewhere--Southeast Asia. Europe--Run Athens/Florence Marathons or Beijing/Bangkok marathons (as half marathons, which seems sort of half assed). Or I could volunteer somewhere for a couple of monts=hs

Groundlessness

So probably the biggest thing I did was to apply for the job at Sichuan University. The fact that I would apply for a permanent position in Chengdu shows how badly I am doing at handling this my current state. In fact, when I think about it, this state of being nobody doing nothing, as much as I might decry it, gets awfully close I think to the sense of groundlessness Buddhism does so much to try to instill in us. I have to say, I don't think anyone could possibly be more groundless than myself right now. Everything I have known, everything that has defined me is gone. And that fact that I would grasp at the SU job shows how much I am desperately trying to run away from groundlessness.

Specificity

So I tentatively committed to two activities. The weekend of the 17th serving as an aide at the Shambhala Mountain Center and the following weekend trekking across the Grand Canyon with plans. I was considering going up to Crestone to check on the meditation center up there for the possibility of winter dhatun. But I chose the trip to Boulder because it requried a specific commitment i.e., buying a plane ticket, being in a certain place at a certain date, being engaged in specific acitivities, rather than simply a vague notion of driving up to Crestone to check things out. One rule I am getting better at sticking to is choosing specificity over vagueness. I just don't do well with vagueness. Perhaps I am also influenced by the line in Confucius about not travelling far while your parents are alive and if you go somewhere, always have a specific destination.

The importance of passion

My classical guitar practice had been lagging/Almost painful some times to pick up the instrument/and slog through a boring exercise/ or a piece of music I didn't particularly care for/But then I cam across this seven part video lesson for Classical Gas/and have been playing a minimum of two hours a day/until my fingers are sore/It's important to follow these leads when you find them/and to realize the lessons they teach about other parts of our lives

Developments

Nothing major to report. Ran an 8 mile race today and truly enjoyed it. I mean, I left everything I had on the course, left nothing out so that I was completely exhausted afterwards. It was a great feeling. Not that the actual time was a reflection of the effort. But objective measures are less important. When I think of going to China or travelling, I think how much I would hate stopping running right now. I feel like I have 2-3 months of training and a number of good races I would be giving up. I also finally heard back from the SMC which accepted me for volunteering for the Sept 17th weekend but more or less blew me off for the rest of the time. I guess I could pay to stay up there for a month, but it would probably make a lot more sense to spend the money on a winter dhatun. Which means, what? Travellng mid-September to mid-November, coming back for Thanksgiving and then heading to the Dhatun, though I think I might prefer to do it with Reggie.

Do Over

I think in terms of a do over. OK, pretend last yar didn't happen and that you are undertaking your first year away from academia. How wouldyou spend it? In a sense, this is true, since you only recently became an ex-philosopher.

There is something holding me back from travel right now. Something that says you do not have the energy to fling yourself around the world. I just want to stay in one place and grow strong. But can't stay here.

How things stand

It seems all I am capable of now is regret. I should have done something this summer instead of sitting on my ass here: worked in Yellowstone, volunteered at SMC, drove around the country visiting National Parks. In retrospect, it is all clear. Why at the time did I not see any of it? And why can I not see anything now about what I should do next, when in six months time that will probably be clear as well. When exactly did I make the decision to spend the summer here? Was it when I bought the gym membership?

It’s not that I don’t have ideas about what to do next. It’s more that they all strike me as crazy. One thing I have trotted out is the idea of spending three months at the Shambhala Mountain Center. They have not even returned my e-mail. I looked into renting a cabin at another retreat center for a month, but it was already taken. I am seriously considering spending whatever it takes so I can go and spend a month at the Shambhala Mountain Center. I seem to be unable to find anywhere to go for about a month on a spiritual retreat.

I am now thinking about a winter Dhatun at either SMC or Reggie’s Ray retreat center. This would be from about December 11th-January 8th. So, that would leave me three months. But I would probably feel compelled to spend from Thanksgiving and the first part of December in Tucson. Which leaves me from mid September to mid November. A good time to be in Greece. If I just hadn’t used them damn Delta miles to fly to Bangkok.

Now I find myself looking at international marathon schedules.

All I know is that I have to be out of here by the middle of September, which is a month longer than I initially planned

Things are fundamentally groundless

Another teaching from Reggie

The buddhahdarma says, "things are fundamentally groundless." We can see this very vividly in our own lives. Some people actually think that they have secure ground in their lives, their jobs, their relationships, finances, whatever. In that case, they put a lot of energy into trying to maintain that secure ground that they think they have. This is the conventional approach. While it may temporarily produce a modicum of comfort and security, it doesn't solve--or even address--the fundamental problems of our lives, namely that—at best--things are always uncertain and we live on the edge of death.
Then there is the approach of the buddhadharma. Most of us practitioners feel quite groundless a lot of the time, if not most or even all of the time. We want to get things together; we want situations to be clear; we want people to understand and appreciate us; we want to know where we stand and who we are. But somehow, we can never get any of this to happen in a definitive way. We feel shaky and unresolved about the important things in our lives. Our relationships are problematic and we cycle between hope (that they’re working) and fear (that they’re not). Our employment situations are marked by uncertainty, lack of clarity, and questionable future prospects. People are in their own worlds and we can never get them to be or do what we want. And our own sense of identity is constantly up in the air. We can never quite arrive anywhere or come to any definite conclusions about ourselves.
As the dharma says, groundlessness is not a temporary experience or a random insecurity and it is not a problem that can be fixed. It is just the way things are. In meditation practice, we have a chance to be with that feeling of groundlessness and explore it. And groundlessness eventually opens up into the dharmadhatu, the limitless space of mind in which everything is free to be what it is and what occurs is seen as the play of wisdom

Old Rock n Roller

Just heard Dylan do version of this on dylanradio.com. He prefaced it with, "if you want to know what happens to people like me, this is it."
Old Rock n Roller
Charlie Daniels
He's just an old rock 'n' roller playing music in a backstreet bar.He sings a little flat and he never learned to play the guitar. But he keeps on belting out them rhythm and blues, "Long Tall Sally" and "Blue Suede Shoes". He just can't accept the fact that he's never gonna be a star --He's just an old rock 'n' roller playing music in a backstreet bar.
He had a record in the sixties, it was big enough to go Top Ten. And though he tried and he tried he could never make it happen again. He's been living twenty years on bourbon and pride. Jerry Lee went country and Elvis died. Then his third wife left him but he never really thought it would last. And now she ain't nothing but another little blast from the past.
But sometimes late on Saturday night when the crowd's out having fun, He steps up on the mike with a gleam in his eye and once again he's twenty-one. And then it's "Be-Bop-A-Lula" and "Heartbreak Hotel" and "That'll Be The Day" Then the Sweet Bird of Youth just flies away.
He's an earthbound eagle that never did learn to fly. He ain't never gonna make it but he sure did give it a try. So go dye your hair and turn the music up loud, And when it's time to go at least you'll go down proud. You ain't never gonna be nothing but what you are --Just an old rock 'n' roller playing music in a backstreet bar, Just an old rock 'n' roller playing music in a backstreet bar.

It's Never Going to Happen

From Reggie Ray

It's never going to happen!

When we contemplate our practice, a lot of times we think that we are going to work all kinds of things out. We are going to solve a lot of problems and our lives are going to be much better. It is more beneficial to realize that such a thing is never going to happen. It is simply never going to happen.
Things do change, but it is not always the things we want to and rarely in the way we want them to. The less time we put into thinking how great our life will be because we meditate, the better.
What does change, however, is our point of view on our problems. We continue to struggle and wrestle with our problems because that is how karma works. But, at a certain point, the struggling becomes less impressive and less compelling. It is like watching a professional wrestling match. In the beginning, you might find it interesting and engaging. But, after a while, you start to realize that these people aren't really wrestling, they are just faking the whole process. In spite of all the shouting and yelling, and the apparent pain, there is really nothing happening here. Then it begins to become boring and uninteresting.
At the same time, you notice something more compelling which is the stillness of the mind behind it all. But it would be mistaken to think that all the ego-nonsense just goes away. It doesn't and doesn't need to. In fact, we begin to realize that it is the fuel for our journey and our way of connecting with other people. No ego means no path and no compassion.

Day goes downhill quickly

I recall a scene in American Beauty,

where the Kevin Spacey character, at the start of the film,

says that the best part of his day is when he masturbates in the shower a

nd that it goes downhill from there.

My day goes downhill as well after an early morning plateau.

Only it takes place after my morning run and shower.

Possible alternatives

Well, I need to get out of here soon and move on. So I came up with four options, things I can do to get out of here in a relatively short period of time.
1. Volunteer at the Shambhala Mountain Center for the fall. I've already written them about the possibility of serving as an aid for a retreat the weekend of September 17th. I just sent them another letter about the possibility of staying on in some capacity for the remainder of the fall.
Pros: Would not cost much and be a good retreat
Cons: Lack of privacy
2. Work in Yellowstone until the end of October and then, well, maybe find a retreat to go to for a month. I got accepted last year about this time and especially if I were willing to work until the end of October I think I could get on. What do I do in late October, not really sure. The idea of a spiritual retreat, though, seems one I keep coming back to, so I guess I would somehow try to combine these two.
Cons: Lack of privacy, hard to see how this advances me in anyway
3. Fly to Thailand, spend a few weeks there, then head up to China and travel around China for a few months, making this a continuation of the Chinese woman project.
Con: Cost a lot of money, will not be able to do any serious running
4. Teach in China.
Con: Well, it is China.
Pro: If I found a decent place I might be able to train. Also could work on the book.

I was pretty impressed when I originally came up with the list, much less so now. Still, I need to face this rationally. There is a problem and I need to solve it. Here are some possible solutions. Pick the one you think best and accept responsibility for the decision. None of these really allow me to do any serious training, which I see as a drawback

A fella could have a pretty good weekend in Vegas

Well, as bleak as things seem, I call to mind the words of Slim Pickins in Dr. Strangelove, when he opens up the emergency survival pack: "Survival kit contents check. In them you'll find: one forty-five caliber automatic; two boxes of ammunition; four days' concentrated emergency rations; one drug issue containing antibiotics, morphine, vitamin pills, pep pills, sleeping pills, tranquilizer pills; one miniature combination Russian phrase book and Bible; one hundred dollars in rubles; one hundred dollars in gold; nine packs of chewing gum; one issue of prophylactics; three lipsticks; three pair of nylon stockings. Shoot, a fella' could have a pretty good weekend in Vegas with all that stuff." You know, I have about ten thousand cash at hand and a Gold American Express card. A fellow could have a pretty good year on that.

Salty Bread

Tu lascerai ogne cosa diletta
più caramente; e questo è quello strale
che l'arco de lo essilio pria saetta.
Tu proverai sì come sa di sale
lo pane altrui, e come è duro calle
lo scendere e 'l salir per l'altrui scale . . .
You shall leave everything you love most:
this is the arrow that the bow of exile
shoots first.
You are to know the bitter taste
of others' bread, how salt it is, and know
how hard a path it is for one who goes
ascending and descending others' stairs

WTF

I mean, thi s is just embarrassing, and I am embarrassed for myself, this inability to explain myself, this unwillingness to come up with the next move. I guess the thing I feel most strongly in all this is that I need to continue to take some time off (NTO), or rather, that I have not even seriously begun to take time off, that this last year has been mostly wasted. Still, as I look at it, there are a couple of obvious optiones, for example, either starting MSW or the SU teaching job next year, which would provide me with one more year off. Now, there would be nothing wrong with taking one more year off to wander around. But that is such a vague goal as to be unacheiveable. And it also would not be cheap, although I could purchase an around the world ticket and be able to afford it. But the SENSELESS WANDERING OPTION, as I will name it, does not seem especially attractive to me. Because the other thing I feel as strongly as I feel the need to continue to take time off is that I would really like to continue to get in shape. The ten mile run on Saturday reminded me of how much I like being in shape and running and reinforced in me the desire to continue to train and to get in decent shape. And any serious training (ST) regimen will be inconsistent with the SWO. As well it would seem pretty much that being in China (BIC) is inconsistent with ST. guess the other piece to throw into the puzzle is that I really cannot stay in Tucson for more than a month (OTM). So where does this leave us?: SWO and BIC are not consistent with ST. NTO and ST are consistent. OTM is consistent with BIC and SWO. The problem is that the trump card--OTM--would at this time seem to be achievable only by SWO or BIC. But SWO and BIC and inconsistent with ST. So something--probably my sanity--has got to give. There is also the overriding imperative WRITE (W).

The Opposite of a Hoarder

The opposite of a hoarder
Watching a show (actually just glanced at it) on Oprah about Hoarders,
people who can't get rid of anything, and people who have tried to
get cured.
I think I have the opposite problem of being a hoarder--
I have gotten rid of too much stuff in my life.
A lot of it I would like to have back.
My sister-in-law asks me, what's the word for that?

Good running weather

GOOD RUNNING WEATHER
Probably because the temperature has been reasonable up here
I've been able to get in a couple of good runs.
And it makes me feel
like I would really like to start doing some serious training.
Get in shape to run a marathon.

Why I will never write a travel book

Watching the trailer for Eat-Pray Love. I recall an episode of the old Taxi, where one of the female cab drivers (forgot her name) is trying to talk Alex into taking a trip to Europe, and he says that he will end up sitting in a cafe writing postcards while she will be dancing on tables. And they go and this is what ends up happening. So this is why I will never write a travel book. Because no one would buy a book tilted Sit-Write Postcards-Regret Wasting the Money.

If you put a gun to my head

If you put a gun to my head and insisted that I answer the question what I was going to do next, or rather, what I would like to do next, I would say I just want to sit somewhere and get strong for a while. Train for a race. Eat well Meditate. Just sit, not go anywhere. Someplace in nature. Either in the mountains or on the water, although for some reason, my preference is leaning towards the water. I would like to spend some time reviewing the past. Not sure of the value but it feels necessary. More time, howeverm needs to be spent in asking this question "What do you want to be?" I would like to answer that question in a personal manifesto about the future. I also need to do some inner work on gratitude. As I think I have mentioned elsewhere, this is one virtue I have only sparsely employed. It's a vision I have for myself, but I see no practical way to make it a reality. If I had to guess what I would do, I would say run around Thailand and China, which I know will just exhaust me again both financially and physically.

Some Options

OPTIONS
1. Get the job at CEA and do the online MSW program. Analysis: Seems very unlikely that I will get the CEA job. There is still some question about whether I want to go back to a regular job. This is something I should decide before continuing on the route of the job search.
2. Three books/five years: Woaizhongguo: My Year Searching for Love on Chinese Internet; Philosopher-chef: Sauteing My Way to Self-Transformation; A Wisdom for All Seasons: Travels with Socrates, Buddha, Confucius, and Thoreau. Analysis: This would have to be self-financed, which I could probably afford. At the end of this period, I would have to find some job. I always said five years away would be a good thing.
3. Spend this year travelling and then take the job at Sichuan University. Analysis: This only came about because I happened to meet Bill. Still, it looks like I might be a leading candidate for this position. I mean, I don't necessarily want to teach in Chengdu, or anywhere in China. But I could actually be working on the China dating book while this is going on.
4. Spend next year in China working on the book and then return to the States to get MSW. Analysis: I'm thinking of spending the two months travelling and then probably needing to get a teaching job in the spring, but maybe studying and blowing all the resources.

A Possible Development

Actually made the first cut for a job at CEA, a company which puts together oversead education experiences for college students. I mean, I spent long enough putting together the application letter, but that in itself means nothing. And besides, there is a long way to go, but it has me contemplating whether in fact I am ready to join the regular work force. On the one hand, I am so bored out of my skull right now, I would do almost anything, and this actually looks like a very interesting position. It would be nice to be useful again. And there is no use in denying that it would be nice to have a regular income. On the other hand, there is something to be said about extending the break for a while. But in that case, I need to come up with a plan how to spend this time off. But at least it is making me confront whether I am ready to enter the world again.

Wouldn't it be nice

Wouldn't it be nice,
Just to settle into a quiet life somewhere, somehow
--subscribe to New York Review of Books and New Republic
--join a gym
--buy large sizes of toothpaste, shampoo and shaving cream
--train for a race
--have a place to call home
It just seems like such another world to me now,
and perhaps that is how is how it should be
And perhaps it's a case of those on the outside wanting in,
and those on the inside wanting out

what i'm doing

Working on stuff.

1. Editing an ssay accepted for Journal of American-Asian Relations on the film group I held while a Peace Corps volunteer.

2.Putting together a selection of my Chinese student essays and publishing it on amazon and pledging to donate profits to Sichuan Earthquake Relief. Putting together a website in conjunction with the book (you have no idea how long that took). Next, trying to pitch the project to various folks.

3. Evaluating a project for Potomac Books.

Half baked

The other day I forced myself to come up with five possibilities for getting out of here by the end of August. In no particular order they include (1) Get a job teaching in China (2) Travel in China for the fall (3) move somewhere in the States for 6 months as a sort of personal retreat (4) work in Yellowstone for reminader of summer and then volunteer in either Haiti or Tibet (5) Drive around country visiting National Parks and camping. Yeah,I know. Pretty lame and rather half baked

The most difficult thing

In connection with yesterday's post, it is not so much the loss of routine that is hard. Academia has somewhat inured me to this. It is more the loss of prestige. To go from respected professor to, well, nothing, is quite a fall. I am sure there is some lesson in the Buddhist conception of the self to be gained from all of this. But right now, it is probably the most difficult thing.

American Splendor

Listened to an interview on Fresh Air with the guy who the movie American Slendor was about. A cartoonist. Actually he wasn't even a cartoonist but came up with the story line for the cartoon, which was based on his life. I can't even tell you his name now and I only barely remember hearing about the movie. So I guess what struck me was that he worked at a very boring job as a file clerk for his entire life and did the cartoon stuff on the side. So while he is being interviewed Terry Gross asks him if he found life hard after retiring, and he said, yes, he did not know what to do with himself and had to be hospitialized on and off for a year and a half. Well, let's hope it doesn't come to that.

Random thought 717

Gratitude. a sentiment I have expressed too infrequently in my life. At some point, I should sit down and write (not necessarily send) lettes to people to whom I owe a debt of gratitude...Getting crazy ideas these days. Doing conferences in New Zealand. Running around China. Extended camping trips. It is the fight or flight complex kicking in. Also the end of the summr thing...I was going to sketch out five possible future scenarios yesterday. I should at least sketch out three...On the other hand, it still seems valid for me to take an extended break, that this is something I deserve, and that just to wander aimlessly for a couple of years would be fine, although it would be nice to have more definite plans that at least involved earning some income...The book on China, the Philosopher-Chef book, the wisdom for all seasons book...I could see spending five years writing these three books. If at the end of it none of them has made it, well, find something else...Chinese and classical guitar, two things I have made so little progress in proportionate to the time invested...Still, the conference in New Zealand seems like a valid idea. Maybe kick start me. Certainly a worthy goal...So I am thinking next fall will be a wandering season and then try to set up something definite for winter/spring semester in China, depending on when the book comes out...I sure would like to get in shape to run a marathon or at least a half, but that would require remaing in the states for at least another 3-4 months, which I really could do, although I could not do it here...I mean, there is no reason to jump on the China book and could just as easily start it next year, but if I did that I would have to go somewhere this fall, preferably somewhere where I could earn some money while I'm trying to pitch the book... I certainly can't afford to run around Asia, so if I go overseas it will have to be to a definite place and with a definite purpose...It does seem I should not rush into anything long term right now. I did apply for the one job with CEA and if, per impossibile, I was offerd it, I would probably take it, I don't think it is something I am going to have to worry about...Whatever the situation, I vow not to be still living in Arizona in September

Global Volunteer Network

So after a breakfast at Village Inn, I make my way over to Barnes and Nobles. I stop first in the travel section and check out some books on China, thinking that perhaps one of the things I can do is to sketch out two months in China for the fall. Well, I wander over to the travel essays section and come across a few books on volunteering. I flip the page to New Zealand and see something called the Global Volunteer Network which, in addition to hosting a lot of volunteer activities also runs a yearly "Be the Change Program," where people go to learn about social entrepeneuring, possibly starting a volunteer organization or working for one. The workshop is for those who want to:
Start a non-profit/charity organization
Get paid to make a difference in the lives of others.
Get a job with a non-profit/charity
Start a social enterprise or project
Learn how to get a job with the United Nations
Or if you just want to learn more about the field of Social Entrepreneurship and /or International Development

Well, so I end up going to the web page and it looks really interesting. The conference is in New Zealand Nove 21-28th and I am seriously considerring going, especially since I may well be in that part of the world anyway.

Changing driver's license

Just registered my car in Arizona and got an Arizona driver's license. Feels very strange. For twenty years, my car and license has been from Utah. I've been holding off of doing these things for a year for some reason. They were my last vestiges of connection to the state. Sort of like signing the divorce papers, I guess. Just adding to the general disorientation. I mean, if there is one thing I am certain of, it is that I do not want to live here. For all of the visiting I have done, this place has never felt like a potential home. The flip side of this is, it does not seem like any place could ever feel like home.

4 hour work week

Ran across the book "The four-hour work week" yesterday. I had seen the book before but never really looked at it. Now I wish'd I had. I could have used some of the advice when I was contemplating leaving my own job. I think it would have helped me a little more in the post-quitting planning, as well as making me feel a little better about the decision. I certainly would have spent the past year differently has I read it. Now, I am not sure exactly how it helps me going forward. I guess the sort of lifestyle it advocates is a much less settled one than the one I am currently contemplating, at least in the long run. And it is worth thinking that the next permanent move will probably be my last, andthat for all my screw ups I do possess a rather enviable state of freedom right now. In any case, I would certainly recommend the book to anyone thinking of quitting their job.

No spring, no summer

I commented earlier about how my travels had left me without any experience of spring because during the prime spring months I was mostly in countries that were immersed in heat. And now it feels like I am missing out on summer--that is the summer of camping and hiking, of long days outside in the woods--because I am stuck in this desert hellhole. No spring, no summer. If that's not a metaphor for my life, I don't know what is.

Louis

Well, maybe just jot a few thoughts down first thing in the morning to catch the general drift of things. Last night watched a show Louis C.K., about the life of a stand-up comic in New York. I had started to watch the first episode last week but found in uninteresting. But last night's episode hooked me. I think because the show dealt with age. The guy's only 42, but talked about how from now on it is all downhill. The next year will never be better than the last one. He was speaking physically, I guess, but since so much of our well-being is linked to our body, it could certainly be applied in other areas. He had just gotten divorced, and his brother was lamenting that he was consigning himself to dying alone, since no one would want him at this age. Yes, physical decline and solitary death--what's not to like.

Today is the first day...

...of being offiically unemployed. First day in twenty years I was not officially associated with a university. Feels strange. Really, I didn't think it would feel any different but it does. I can no longer say "I am on sabbatical." Instead, I must confront the full implications of what I have done. I think I will take today to reread, "Who moved my cheese." I need to plot some strategy for the future (as opposed to strategy for the past). I should map out at least five different scenarios for the future. Well, one thing is I am hestitant to apply for that university job in Beijing. I sort of like the notion of being a free agent, unattached to any institution. Since I feel I sort of wasted the year paid off I need to do something to make sure I do better with the ensuing time. Try to put an end to the sloppiness. Remember, the trip you end up taking for the most part is the trip you planned.

Last day

Today is my last official day as an employee of the university

Health Insurance

Well, after all the fretting and anxiety about insurance, when it happened and I had to go out and get it on my own it was a relatively painless process, although the pain part probably won't come unless I need to use it. Then I am responsible for up to $5,000. But we will take it one step at a time. I had no choice really. The Cobra coverage frrom Weber was not only outrageously expenisive but also only allowed me access to doctors in Utah. The insurance agent I talked to on the phone was extremely helpful, even if he did mess up my application. Here is what I ended up with for $230.oo a month

What's the coverage for preventive and other office visits?
Plan pays 100 percent of covered expenses after your $35 copayment for office visits to your in-network primary care doctor. Copayments for in-network specialist and urgent care visits are $60.
What's the coverage for lab and x-rays?
Plan pays the first $500 at 100 percent per person per calendar year for certain covered preventive and diagnostic lab, and x-ray services. After this, you'll pay 20 percent of covered expenses once you meet your deductible.
What's the coinsurance percentage for hospital services?
For both in-network inpatient and outpatient services, once you meet your annual deductible, this plan pays 80 percent coinsurance for most covered medical expenses from in-network providers – which means you pay 20 percent of covered expenses until you reach your coinsurance out-of-pocket maximum.
What's the coverage for emergency room services?
You pay a $100 access fee per visit; then your plan pays 80 percent of covered expenses for an in-network emergency room once you meet your deductible. The access fee is waived if you're admitted to the hospital.
What's the coinsurance out-of pocket maximum?
Your in-network coinsurance out-of-pocket maximum for this plan is $2,500. Deductibles, copayments, and access fees do not apply to the coinsurance out-of-pocket maximum. Once you meet your deductible and coinsurance out-of-pocket maximum, the plan pays 100 percent for most covered in-network services.
Does the plan include prescription drug coverage?
This plan includes the Rx4 prescription drug benefit, which classifies drugs in one of four levels. Level 1 has a $15 copayment for a 30-day supply and includes many generic drugs. For drugs in other levels, you need to pay a separate $500 prescription deductible and then pay the specified copayments. Copayments are $35 for Level 2, $60 for Level 3, and 35 percent of the drug's cost for Level 4 (for a 30-day supply).
These amounts are for covered drugs from in-network pharmacies only. Use our Drug Coverage Search tool to look up which prescription drugs are covered. To locate an in-network pharmacy near you, use our Pharmacy Locator tool.
You'll have the opportunity to lower your Rx deductible for an additional cost by selecting the $150 deductible Rx optional benefit. You can add this benefit on the next page

Mini-retirment

Came across an article in US News and World Report that I found somewhat uplifting, or at least it didn't depress the hell out of me. Titled "5 Alternatives to Traditional Retirement" it outlined other ways of viewing one's work life besides the retire at 65 scenario. Which is good, because I need som way to reframe things. The five are: sabbaticals, mini-retirmements, focused career breaks, second careers and entrepreneurship. They are fairly self-descriptive, although some of the time frames involved seem laughable. One software engineer is credited with taking two "mini-retirements" of 3 months in India. Gee, back in academia we called those summer vacations. I guess if I had to classify what I am doing I would put it as a sort of mini-retirment to ultimately be combined with a second career, although right now it looks a lot like floundering. But how you frame things is important, and the article in fact gave me a psychological boost because it did allow me to begin to reframe things, altough I don't know if that will help how I view this wasted past year. One thing at a time I guess.

Health Insurance

Well, today continues the exciting search for health insurance. My Weber health insurance runs out in a week. There is the possibility of COBRA. But not only is Weber switching providers after 20 years, which really messes things up. But as well all of the providers will be in Utah. What if something happens here. So I am thinking I am going to have to go into the private market--but have not gotten the sticker shock of what that entails. I am hoping to limit the damage to $300 a month. Will see what I can get for that price

I wish'd I'd thought of that (oh wait, I did)

Just read reviews of a couple of books about folks who lost their job and wrote about what happened it the aftermath. Slow Love: How I Lost My Job, Put On My Pajamas & Found Happiness and Unfinished Business: One Man's Extraordinary Year of Trying to Do the Right Things portray a year in the life of two journalists who lost their jobs. I don't know, reading the summaries sound sort of underwhleming. The titles pretty much say all you need to know. The first book is about someone who retreats from the world, makes the grat sacrifice of sellng her suburban home and moving to the coast of Rhode Island and then stays home most of the time. The second book is about a guy who makes amends to people he's hurt and various tasks. In truth, neither sounds very interesting. Of course, compared to what I have done in the past year, they are positively scintillating. But it is all about having a plan, and I have none. Each, though, seems to have this artificial deadline: a year of doing 'x' and then it is back to work--which is where both find themselves. No major transformation. My idea was to shift into a radically different mode of being. This is something I've yet to accomplish, or even figure out how to go about.

I See Dead People

What was the name of that movie with Bruce Willis where the dead person the kid saw was Bruce Willis himself. Anyway, I sort of felt not like the kid but like Bruce Willis at this conference--a walking ghost. I went to this conference to publicize the book. I thought I might find some people who might write blurbs, some people who might look at review copies, or at least learn something. Well, I did learn something that will actually cause me to rewrite the last chapter (not sure if that's cool with the publisher). But it was of course just like any other academic conference and there is a reason I left this behind. These things bore the shit out of me! Academics talking to each other. Which is o.k., I guess, because someone has to talk to them But all that time and energy writing papers no one but a handful of people will ever look at. I mean, more power to them in some sense. Because there need to be some careful thinkers out there. It is just not a world for me. I want to go onto other things. So it was a real throwback and I truly felt I did not belong here, like Iwas observing the ghost of academics past. I realize there is a sense that this is not work I can really do well, although I do it alright, nor is work I particularly care to do. Maybe it is just that I am too lazy, I am willing to admit that. But maybe it is just that there are other things I want to do with my energy. I am not even sure at the end of the day they are more worthwhile, for example, the blog about Chinese women. But at least there I am not anayzing what some thinker said about some other thinker, which is too often the basis for an academic article. So perhaps it was a fitting farewell to academica and perhaps that was why I went

Deck Chairs

I am going to try to keep track of the time and see where the hell it all goes and why I get so little done. For instance, we can start today with 5:30-6:30 Meditate/walk. The next entry (of which this is a part) is diddle around on line. Yes, I know it's a big waste of time. Since the only two things I do are work on the article and study Chinese, I need to break these down further into what exactly I do to carry out these goals. I need to get more speific...Still, time management in this situation is like shuffling around deck chairs on the Titanic. I mean I think if I could truly debauch and waste away, that would at least be interesting. And a nice break. Right now, I still put tremendous pressure on myself to accomplish things, to have a sense that something constructive is being done. Would be nice to give that up for a while. 6:45. Fifteen minutes sitting here staring at computer screen is definitely not a good use of time.

china?

if i am going to get back to china in the fall, i am going to have to start making some moves in that direction. need to decide whether it will be work or study. i would prefer not to teach english. there is first the teaching job in beijing to apply for, and i should probably go ahead and do that. then there is the assistant job at the china institute. and i should apply to study somewhere in chengdu and perhaps elsewere. there are many advantages to being in chengdu. i already know people there and know my way around. it would be very comfortable and an excellent place to do research for the book. on the other hand, a different place, beijing for example, might be more interesting and at least different. but there is also a part of me that really does not want to go there, that has a preference for clean air and potable water and is also simply tired of travelling. but i really can't stay here for much longer but will have to move my life along at some point in some direction, even if it is just directionless wandering.

The Choice

I thought today of two people I encountered on my trip. Bot had made mid-career (actually abut 3/4 career) changes. One had more or less continued on the same path--moved from being a professor in Canada to a professor in China--while the other had gone in a radically different direction--changed from being a public servant in England to a diving instructor in Thailand. This is a choice I am going to have to make--whether to follow more or less the same route or to move in a radically different direction. I think of this as I contemplate applying for a position to teach at a university in China. It's obvious which way this would take me--but is it really where I want to go?

DON'T PANIC!

DON'T PANIC!

Need to sit

I think I need a long period/just to sit somewhere/reflect/take it all in/Just to be quiet for God's sake/Still the mind/Gather strength/I know that Jung somewhere talked about such a process/I am somehow going to have to find the energy/for a second act/or not

The fallback plan

The fallback plan at this point is to spend next year in China either teaching or studying (given my financial situation, it looks like teaching) while I am researching the next China book and then, if nothing else develops, go to school the following fall, probably in Arizona, for the MSW. I have to say, it doesn't exactly thrill me. But I need to have something I can tell myself. (These days I more and more tell myself I should have taken the option which had me going to grad school while working. Oh well.)

Dawn is when I am awake

Well, about the only way I can justify this inactivity, or this unproductiveness, is to refer o the fact that I have been going forever without taking a break: from college to grad school, from grad school to job. Non-stop. Really should have taken some time off at some point, and I didn't. So this, is my time off. And I should give myself permission to drift for a few years. Even if given my age this seems inapprorpriate, as Thoreau said, "Dawn is when I am." By which I take it he means that we have to judge our lives by its own standards and accept its own pacing.

Joined a gym

Joined the gym for two months, so I guess I'm commited to being here for two months. I mena, who wouldn't want to be in Southern Arizona during the summer. But I think I need to first get myself in good physical condition and to stay in one place and get strong. That's the first priority. I will have to figure out my next move, but giving myself two months here at least calms my nerves for the short term. Now, I just have to get more productive while I am here, because I am sitting around all day supposedly writing a couple of articles and studying Chinese, but I get so little accomplished over the course of the day it is truly depressing

Joun Waters on Fresh Air

A great interview with John Waters on June 3rd Fresh Air. Refreshing thoughts on living and dying alone, which he realizes he will probably do. Also interesting to hear his thoughts on sex: that he doesn't want to confuse sex with companionship. Sex should be hot and steamy, companionship a steady and constant thing that lasts through the years. Also Terry asked him if he has gotten less sexual as he has gotten older (he is 64). No, he quickly replied. That would be giving up, like no longer going out. You always got to have hope.

Sunday, the first hour and seventeen minutes

Sunday, the first hour and seventeen minutes

So, this morning, after a late night up at ten and grab some coffee
and immediately turn on the computer and finish up my nepal online journal,
at least through the pass,which is all i will probably do,
then find a China story to post on Facebook,
this one from James Fallows blog invovling the Chinese version of Twitter,
and go to Chinese Pod and look at an elemntary lesson about a security check,
and look at the resume I finished last night as well as the letter for the job at the Beijing Center and now after two cups of coffee going to sit outside
even though it is hot
because it is even worse sitting in this room
and no idea what to do for the rest of the day
although when I got up I was seriously considerring the notion of having a true sabbath
and not doing anything but by this point that seems out the door

Further thought on trip

ADDENDUM
So I wrote earlier
about how I thought if the last three weeks of the trip had been different
--if I'd gone to the spa to cleanse and then came back to the States and started running,
instead of wasting the time in Chiang Mai and Kawagoe--
well things would have been alright.
Of course, I realize it's a bit like saying
that if the pipe would have been properly cut on the last effort to stop the oil spill,
they could have captured 50 percent instead of 25 percent of the oil.
It would make so little difference in the scheme of things
that it is not worth getting worked up over.
The fact is that in both cases,
we are still dealing with a disaster.

Thought for the day

"I think that book publishing is about to slide into the sea. We live in a literate time, and our children are writing up a storm, often combining letters and numerals (U R 2 1 derful)...The futuree of publishing: 18 million authors in America, each with an average of 14 readers, eight of whom are blood relatives. Average annual earnings: $1.75

Lost May

I tell myself that if I had just done what I had planned to do after the Annapurna Circuit, which is fly to Thailand, go to Ko Samui and detox for a week and then come back, well, then the trip might actually have made some sense. For some reason, the three month stretch of time that would have entailed simply made no sense. I could have been back my early May, and in reasonable physical condition and been in pretty good shape by now. Instead, I wasted May in Thailand and Japan and really tapped myself out of cash and physically spend myself as well. Not sure why I am fixating on this now. But I can't seem to get my mind off of the fact tht this is what I wanted to do and should have done and that the trip might actually have made some sense if it had been pulled off in this way. Better that the trip had been planned in advance, had been undertaken with some itinerary, budget and purpose in mind. It's not like I can say that I will learn from my mistake and do it better next time. For one, this was about as senseless and expensive wandering as the trip last year and two, I simply wo't have the money for a trip in the conceivable future. So, good or bad, it was the note I went out on.

BKK, last time

BKK, last time

What is this,
The fifth or sixth time at the Bangkok airport on this trip
Absolutely crazy this trip
The toll it has taken
I tell myself, if only I had headed back
After the Annapurna Circuit
Fly to Bangkok and then a week of detox in \Kosamui
That’s the ticket,
Would have even been able to catch a flight home
But no—
I had to go to Chiang Mai and mess around up there, \
And almost get caught in a revolution,
And then to Japan,
And then back
Absolutely Fucking Crazy

Out of Shape

I was up early and running this morning in Kawagoe. Have been running every day that it has not rained. Can't believe how out of shape I am. Or rather, of course I can believe it. I actually thought all that hiking in Nepal might have done something, and perhaps if as planned I'd gone down to Ko Samui to clean myself out, well, I might have actually have been in pretty good condition. Now I am in terrible shape and I never feel good like this. Last year, one of the things that inspired me was reading a book by a well-known Japanese writer and his twenty year long love affair with running. It inspired me to get back and shape and even run two marathons last year. The one thing that might hold me back from going to China in the fall is the inability to train. Wherever I settle, it will have to be a place that is a good place to run: clean air, good trails. I just don't see how in the near term my life shapes up to be consistent with this.

Salty Bread Blues

A cloudy day in Kawagoe, where I have been stuck since Monday due to the fact that a plane from Tokyo to Atlanta was cancelled, thus stranding a bunch of passengers and filling up all the standby seats for the foreseeable future. I did not put up too much of a protest about the whole situation because I am not in any hurry to get back to the States. In any case, right now, staying at my friend's house, I am reminded how for the past year and for the forseeable future my situation will be one of "salty bread." This, of course, is the situation Dante found himself in when he was exiled from Florence--never to return. Whereas the Florentines (or whatever the hell it is you call people from Florence) were used to having bread without salt, in exile Dante found himself compelled to eat salty bread.

"You shall leave everything you love most. . . . You are to know the bitter taste of others' bread, how salty it is, and know how hard a path it is for one who goes ascending and descending others' stairs" (Paradiso, XVII, 55-60).

I don't know when, or if, I will have my own home again.

Reflections on a Saturday morning

No particular reason to write this morning and nothing much to say. No revelations about what to do next. I've been spending an inordinat amount of time on the computer, most of trying to write up a couple of things. But I have been making increcibly slow progress. Also, my Chinese study has almost come to a complete stop. It is difficult to study when travelling, especially so when you are in a country that is not the language you are studying. But I've started up with Chinese Pod again and hope to get back in the groove (although not to make any real progress).

The burning question I think was raised by the Thomas Moore book I read a while ago. The issue is not so much what you will do but who you will be, for who you will be will determine what you will do. Are you going to devote yourself to writing and squeek by on the savings you have and odd jobs you can pick up? Do you want to go become a social worker? a chef? Do you want to try to make a living doing teaching gigs every now and then? Do you want to go into another line of work? These are the questions that must be answered before any definitive path is taken.

I just don't see how I can stay in Tucson for the summer. Am thinking about maybe hanging out there for a month and then taking off for an extended road trip when I have to go and give the paper in late June. Either camping around the country, or perhaps working at Yellowstone or volunteering at the Shamhala Center. It's all pretty tentative.

Some Things I Miss

1. My bed. Right now I am sleeping an an approximately 3/4 futon on a matted floor--and it may be the most comfortable bed I've had in a while. My last year in Utah I slept on a fold out bed. Before that, for two years in China I slept on, well, it wasn't pleasant, let me say that. I used to love my bed.
2. Being able to cook. Instead, for the past year it has either been going out to eat out or eating what is given. Neither of these have been particularly conducive to my health.
3. Regular running
4. A bathtub
5. Buying large sizes of soap, detergent, toothpaste. Sick of buying small sizes of everything.

Long, strange trip

At the end of the journey, one looks back and wonders what is has been about. And so I search for meanings from this most recent excursion, but I am afraid I can find none. It simply was an expenditure of time, money and energy--all three in short supply. It's like I always say: generally speaking, the trip you have is the trip you plan. This is true in life and in travel. So for me, it was just meaningless movement in space and time. I mean, if Iwas going to study Chinese, then I should have stayed in China and studied Chinese. To do so for a month was foolish, and I felt this fact every time I had to explain to someone what I was doing. If I wanted to travel, then I should have travelled, and come up with some itinerary and plan for travel. The thing is, I have no idea how much money I spent, but I know it was much, much more than I either had planned or could afford. All this could have been avoided had the Peace Corps come through on their oringal timing for the mission in Indonsia. But between that falling apart and the book publication date changing, well, things went all to hell, and I didn't adapt very well. So now I find myself returning to the States with no clue as to what my next move will be. I'm too broke to travel, I can't stay in Arizona and there is no where else for me to go. I am truly out of options.

Stumped and Exhausted

Well, I have been sitting in Chiang Mai, Thailand for the past two weeks, awiating word about a summer position I applied for with the Peace Corps. I recently discovered that I did not get the position. I was actually a bit surprised, because I thought I was very qualified for the position. Perhaps overqualified. As Michael Keaton said in Nightshift, "I was too good." That is at least what I tell myself. Now, I must decide on my next move. I will leave Chiang Mai in a few days and visit my friend in Japan and then return to the States. And then, I don't know. I really overexpended my psychic and financial resources on this trip. But I can't just sit around on my return and do nothing. I am considering returning to China for a year to work on my next project, but sometimes I think I could just as easily blow that off. So for the present, I am stumped

Nepal Pictures and Journal

Nepal Pictures and Journal at http://peterinepal.shutterfly.com/

Back from behind the GFW

That's the Great Firewall, that is, the fact that this websit and a slew of others ar not accessible in China< But no sooner do I pop out of China than I pop into the Himalayas and will be doing the Annapurna circuit for the next three weeks. Will give a full report then

PADI certified diver

A short note on what I've been up too lately. The past four days I was taking a course in Patong to achieve PADI certification as an Open Water Diver. The first two days I was in either a classroom or swimming pool fron about eight in the morning until six at night, and the last two days was on a boat for the same amount of time. It was an incredible experience, and at some point I hope to write some more about it. I especially want to write about Martin my dive instructor as another sign along the way. But for now suffice it to say that I am a PADI open water certified diver.

Last night was another crazy Thailand night. These things are both addictive and expensive, and, again, I hope to write more about this.

In any case, I made the decision not to pursue the Peace Corps Indonesia option. My excuse/rationale was the fact that the book is supposed to come out in the fall and I had promised my editor that I would be available for publicity at the time. But the truth is, once that got put off in the fall, that ship had sailed. I just had a strong sense that this is not the path to pursue. But like Socartes' daimon, although I can often determine what path not to pursue, the daimon never seems to point out anything constructive.

Leave for China tomorrow, and not even sure if I will do that, much less for how long. A month there and three weeks in Nepal seems about right. But there is still the possibility of the semester in China consistent with the Wisdom for All Seasons book project. All I know is that decisions don't get any easier by putting them off.

No place like home?

The owner of the Pineapple Guesthouse is Steve, an affable, rotund Englishman, who runs the place with his Thai wife Lek and two small children. He came over the first night we were here and introduced himself and since has been incredibly helpful, offering flawless advice on everything from fish restaurants to tours to massage shops. Karon Beach is a laid back little place, and we leave today for the much more intense environs of Patong Beach.

Decisions loom ahead, the first of which is weather to do the Peace Corps Indonesia program, which now looks like it will depart in either April or June. My guess is that an April departure is simply impossible to pull off. While a June departure is a possibility, given the fact that the book will be coming out in fall, this is a fading possibilit at best. What does that leave then? I just don't see spending more than a month in China. And then I see the possibility of going to Nepal. But (and I may have mentioned this before) I don't see anything beyond this.

This trip really is like my last Asia trip--a lot of aimless wandering that will just leave me physically and financially and spiritually exhausted at the end. I can really feel my physical condition deteriorting, but it is nore or less a canary in the coal mine for the other parts of my being. Several times I have wanted to click my heels and declare, "there's no place like home." Except that I don't hve a home.

Tiger and Me

The Tiger Woods apology is all over the televsion right now, even in Phuket. While I find the whole thing pretty ridiculous, the one thing I did find that salvaged the pathetic performance ws the references he made to Buddhism. Many in the media were speculating that Tiger might make a move to Christianity where he could more easily invoke an idealogy of forgiveness. Instead, he stuck to his guns and Buddhism In particular he invoked the Buddhist claim that the cause of suffering is desire, which he changed slightly by declaring that 'craving for things outside ourselves causes an unhappy and pointless search for security'. I have no problem with this rephrasing. It captures the spirit of the sentiment, and in any case it caused me to reflect on this insight. Coincidentally (not ironically) being in Thailand certainly has me focusing on the futility of desire.So far, thought, I haven't been doing anything more than reflecting.

Sickness and Decisions

Sick, or at least not feeling well in the words of George Carlin, a condition which caused an early retreat last night. Not really sure what I am doing here anymore. There is the energy of the night, but there is not much more than that. You should not be surprised that you do not find romance in the bargirls or satisfying sex in massage parlor hand jobs. Many frustrations, one of which is not keeping track of how much anything costs, a metaphor, of course, for not keeping very good track of time. Time and money slipping away without making a very good account of either.

Currently, I am debating whether to do a trek in Nepal in early April. Probably need to make a call pretty soon, although there is always the possibility of just showing up in Nepal. Still, if I am serious about the trek, I should probably go ahead and make the reservation. The trek gets me to the end of April and after that I am just not sure. My physical condition is deteriorating. Gaining weight and out of shape. Not sure what to do once May rolls around. Can’t just sit in Tucson. If I go back, I know that will be it, I mean, I won’t soon take to the road. So I don’t want to end this journey too early, though in truth, as I said, I am not sure what the point of the whole thing is.

Printable excerpts from the weekend

Friday
When I arrive at Spicy around one thirty a.m. it is fairly packed. I had earlier sampled Foxy Lady's, which I didn't know is a go go bar with the dancers on the bar and if you want you buy them drink and they come sit with you and if you like them you take them short time there, two hours. Not cheap. Six hundred bar fine and two thousand short time, although I was not clear if it was two thousand all together or two thousand with the bar fie. I learned all this talking to one of the dancing lady's who I bought a drink for and asked to explain how things work.. They are quite liberal with their affections for one drink, obviously hoping to get more. Some beautiful ladies, definitely a cut above the bg crowd, which might explain the prices. Anyway, then went dinner at Riverside and to see Tuk again and then headed over Spicy. As I said, it was pretty packed when I go there and I spent some time surveying the grounds and trying to figure out what to do when this woman walked past me and smiled. What intrigued me about her was that I could not figure out what nationality she was. She didn't look Thai nor did she seem to be an American (incidentally, there seemed way too many young foreigners in the place). Anyway, something drew me to her and I asked to buy her a drink. Well, if you can't figure out that someone who grabs your ***** within the first fifteen minutes is not out for love, you probably don't deserve to be out in the game. We danced and groped for a couple of hours. In the meantime, I noticed Spicy had become wall to wall. I do not think you could have squeezed five more people in the place. Looking around it was Sodom and Gomorroh, the sequel. When she signaled she was going to leave I signaled for us to go together and she said "how much," I demurred.

Sat

It turned into another strange night; it certainly didn’t start out like it was going to be a strange night. In fact, after the previous evening I had planned on taking it pretty easy. Actually, I did not even have a plan. By the time I got up and got going on Saturday it was past noon. I am not sure where the inspiration to rent a bike came from, but in fact it turned out to be a pretty good idea. I can’t say I made any major discoveries, but I did develop a little better sense of Chengdu. It was hot, really hot and at some point I got a gelato and a massage. I had been told that there were to be festivities for the Chinese New Year, but when I went to the location where the alleged celebration was supposed to occur, in fact it turned out there was nothing going on—at least nothing that I could see. So I ended up walking back to the hotel, which turned out to be quite a bit more distance than I imagined. But it turned out to be the basis for at least one act of kindness. As I was walking back, I was pretty sure I was close to the hotel but thought I still had a little ways to go, so I decided I was going to bite the bullet and get a tuck tuck back to the hotel. When I approached a driver, he informed me that if I turned around it was only a couple of hundred more yards to my place. Clearly, he could have drove me around and charged me something for the trouble.

When I got back to the hotel I decided I really needed a sauna, even if it was going to be 200 baht. Unfortunately, going down to the sauna room I discovered there was only 45 minutes left. Nevertheless, I made the best of my time and enjoyed a pretty good sauna. But when I got back to the room it was, I think eight p.m. and I was exhausted. I knew I needed to lie down, so I put on the only thing I could find on tv and set my cell alarm for nine p.m. By the time nine rolled around I was still exhausted and opted against getting up. When I looked at the clock it was 9:30 and knew it was either get up or go to bed for the evening. But as I had rented the hotel room just to be near the action for the weekend, I forced myself to get up and headed to (where else) LaKroi Street. Out of force of habit, I wound up going to the two familiar places, B&B and #1, By the time I left #1 it was almost midnight, really too late to even see Tuk. I was planning on headed to the third place where I am a familiar face, Cherry Club, when I veered into the bar right before the Cherry, which I will refer to as the bar right before the Cherry. There I ended up sitting next to am aging bg who spoke non-stop about Burma, I think, though in truth I was not sure what the hell she was talking about much of the time. Whatever it was, she seemed fairly passionate about it, and I think it had something to do with politics. But it was two beers—or rather, a beer and a Johnny Walker—before I could get out of there, and already past one’ a.m.

I decided at that point to make my way to Spicy, although I was not quite certain about what direction in was in. I was fairly confident and figured I would walk in the direction I thought it was and that if all else failed, get a tuk tuk. First, however, I had to veer into a couple bars. The first was the corner bar on LK, where I got a beer and realized pretty soon I was going to have to drink it alone and so got up and hit the street and veered into the next place, where I at least had company although it cost me a 150baht maitai. When she asked for another, I got up to leave.
Fuel, I kept thinking, recalling Mickey Rourke’s line from Barfly, Fuel. However, my favorite burrito stand was shut down. Fortunately, the hamburger place next to it, Mike’s Burger, was still open. That’s when it started getting weird. There was a row of four or five seats parallel to the street and another four or five seats at a right angle to these. He sat katty korner from me while another young man sat next to me. The two of them struck up a conversation. My sense was that they were both from the same country—if I had to guess it would be England—and they started comparing notes. Actually, it was mostly the guy across from me talkinig. He had been in Pattaya seven years he said and began to regal his mate with stories designed to show his knowledge and experience of the country. Somehow, though, when the guy working the counter told him a Pepsi was 200 baht or about six dollars, he handed it over without question. The two rookies across from him could both tell the guy was just shitting him. So how experienced was he really? In any case, it turned out he was headed to Spicy and we decided to go together. On the way, he told me a story how the other night he and his friend were involved in some huge fight, except I had been there last night and had witnessed no altercation. In the bar, he kept saying how everyone knew him there but he did not know them, and how he was a champion at seven classes in Thai boxing. So I followed him around for a while because he did seem to know people. After a while we got separated and I ended up with some Eastern European chick, buying her and her friends a drink and then getting propositioned. For a while, I actually thought this was the girl from the other night. But this one it turned out spoke good English, or good enough, and when she propositioned me I decided I was too drunk and tired to do anything.

Last night

LeCroix Street, Foxy Lady, Riverside, Brassiere, Spicy...not the way I would want to spend my last night on earth, but perhaps the next to last

Notice Things

I am thinking that it would be good to travel with the notion that it did not matter so much where I travelled; rather, the important thing would be to write in a concrete and specific way. To notice things, as it were. A good antidote to the abstraction of philosophy. Notice the rows of chairs across the street, which is not just a street but is La Croix street. And the chairs are not just chairs, they look like lazy boy loungers. And of course they have a color, which is blue, almost a bright blue, a sky blue. And there are about fifteen chairs lining the sidewalk against a six foot white wall. Right now there are five masseuses there. At one end a middle aged man with short hair is sitting by himself under an umbrella meant to shade the sun which now has an electric light shining underneath the rim. At the other end a young man and woman sit side by side and chart. In the middle are a couple of foreigners getting massaged. In front of the chairs are parked a row of motorcycles perpendicular to the street.

Coffee Day Patio, LeCroix Street 5 p.m.

It's nice to have a spot to view the world from
Sitting here with a cup of tea gives you some license to look
Throw in the laptop and you can seem downright legitimate
Of course, the old guy sitting on the sidewalk holding a cup in his upraised hands, asking for change from all comers, has the right idea
I don't ever want to move from this spot
Beyond this secure little patio is confusion and chaos, dealing with demanding bar girls and argumentative tuk tuk drivers, shopowners who snarl at you, witresses who don't understand your order
But to sit at the Coffee Day cafe on Le Croix street and look out at the world as evening descends on Chiang Mai and the afternnon heat becomes the evening cool
This is why we travel

Thailand, part 1

Seated on the patio of Coffee Day coffee shop. A cup of Earl Grey tea, a big chunk of banana bread and free wireless. Behind me two Thai guys--at least I think they are Thai guys, they may be Indian--shout on cell phones and smoke cigarettes. Lakroi street--bar girl street. It's five p.m. The heat of the day is just beginning to wear off. This I think is the best time to be here: the days are sunny and warm, the days pleasantly cool. La kroi street--street of lost souls. Middle-aged and up men wander up and down in a dazed state, old Thai guys with young girlfriends. Of course it is a violation of nature. But then again so is penacillin.

It's time to recap the last couple of days. Strange days indeed. Nothing paricularly remarkable about them, but certainly different. Where to begin. We can list and describe a series of distinct events and then try to put them together in chronological order, although chronological order is invaraiably the least interesting way to view things. I mean, we could classify an event by its impact, its uniqueness, its location. Mostly we choose time as our marker, which I guess is as good as any. And even when we use time, we can always choose to tell the story backwards rather than forward, as in the Seinfeld "India" episode.

Well, I've just finished a message. After an event I will report on in a second, I was feeling particularly out of sorts (now I see a reason for sticking to chronology, somee vents need other events that occured prio to them in order to fully explain them). and decided to make my way to LeCroix street for the express prupose of getting a message, figuring that would help calm some of the agitation I was feeling. The queston then becomes, which massage parlor to choose. I mean, I wandered around for at least ten minutes this afternoon because I couldn't determine what I wanted for lunch. How to choose which massage place. I had been to the first massage parlor on Lecroix previously, and it was alright, and I might have gone there again, but no one was outside hawking business. It was around three or four p.m. and still extremely hot and the staff of this massage parlor had taken refuge inside. Usually, the girls line the stret in front of their business and call out "So wa dee ka" as you walk buy. But not today.So I wandered a little further and still no one was hawking business. Across the stree there were a couple of women setaed outsde one massage parlor who glances back expectantly when I looked. But, in turth, they were not very good looking. Finally I began to walk past the Yin Yang massage parlor and a woman confonted me with a "You want massage." "How did you guess," I said. "What kind? oil massage?" "Thai massage. one hour." "You want oil too, very nice." "Well, if you say so," I reply, and then kick myself for not asking how much extra it would be (it turned out to be the same price as a regular massage--sometimes traeeler's suspicions can get away from them.

I was assigned to a little girl (rather a small youngish loooking woman) in a purple t-shirt and jeans who led me up two flights of staris, telling me to watch my head. The third floor of the Yin Yang massage parlor consists of a series of clothes hanging from near the ceiling to the floor tha are separated into five or six separate massage areas. Gan (her name) led me to the end of the rows and drew back the cloth and told me to step in. I wasn't sure how much of my clothes. So I stayed in my boxer shorts until she walked in and then made a motion of taking off my shorts and she laughed and said yes like she was speaking to an idiot (which in a sense she was) The big towel was more used to rub off oil from the body than it was to cover any particular organ, although generally spaeking it served that function as well. A Tha massage sarts from the feet and works its way p the body, ending with a workover of each of the arms. The hour went by more quickly than her than for me, I'm sure. At one point she asked me if I wanted a pedicure and I called to mind what a struggle everything is over here. Everyone seems nice but they are alwasy trying to seel you something. It'sneither good nor bad; it just is. The smiling bar girls want you to buy them drinks, dinner, buy their friends drink, pay a bar fine, take them home. Even the tuk tuk drivers don't drive more than a mile without asking you if you want a massage (yes, it is a metaphor; theirs, not mine). It's a salesman selling you an extended warranty. The smiling massage girl trying to get you to come back tomorrow for another massage. Wel, you know, as long as you are aware of it and don't let it throw you off your game, it's alright. In fact, it's better than alright. Putting up with a little salesmanship to pay six dollars for a massage is a bargain I can live with.

Before I end this post, let me talk about the event that preceded this and provide the impetus for the massage, though in truth I had been considerring getting one anyway. I had gone to the gym where my friend Glen belongs. Even though he is not in town, you can pay 150 Baht and gain entrance. SO I had run five k on the treadmill, did some stretching and was headed to the shower. GLen had told me he dries his shirts in the sauna and I was going to do that but wanted to look insider first to see if anyone was in there. As I was about to look, a burly, barrel chested man with long, wavy grey and brown hair came stomring out. He spoke in an Austrailian accent so I ddin't get everything he said, but the gist of it was telling me in a threatening tone not to go sneaking around and [peeking into saunas. I wasn't quite sure how to respond, so I simply looked at him and said, "right, o.k." It's best, I thought, not to provoke the guy. Afterwards, I was stewing, like th Underground Man thinking of all the ways I should have responded. I was vowing not to go back to that gym in any case. And I was wondering why the hell I took this trip in the first place. The think about being in a stranger in a strange lad is that you always have to be on guard. You can never really relax and let your guard down the way you can when you are among acquaintances and familiar surroundings. And, as Jim Morrison put it, people are strange when you're a stranger. Everyone's motives become suspect, you sijmply don't know who you can trust. Then you start to think, man, I take a wrong step and get run over and who the hell is going to claim the body. And you wonder why you came to a place where you could die in this unknown and unmarked fashion. So with all that weird stuff floating around in my head, I knew I had to get a massage, because the head stuff is connected with the body as well, and loosening the body, I knew, would allow me to gain some perspective. Which hopefully I have.
"Don't go


But to end this on a good note--the chatting Indians or Thais or whatever have jus left and I am able to move to the premier spot on the patio, looking out on Lakroi steet watching the parade go by. Itis the perfet time, the perfec temperature. Seriously, this has to be one of the premier spots in the world. The second cup of Early Grey tea is steeping; ther is stilll banana breat left and a thousand stories will stroll by.

Travel thought of the day

Although there are certainly exceptions, pretty much the trip you plan is the trip you take. So be very careful in your planning

Meeting of the Minds

So I am in Chiang Mai staying at my friend Glen's place. It's always interesting to meet people you feel a sort of instant connection to. B. is about ten years older than me and graduated with a Ph.D. (I think in English) in the seventies from Boston College. Unable to find a job in the States, he got a position in Montreal, where he taught for twenty eight years. I did not know these details when I met him with my friend Glen and another ex-pat at a Buddhist wat for dinner. A hot day was becoming a cool evening as we sate at a stone table to have dinner and talk. What Glend did tell me was that B. had been teaching in Chengdu for the past three or four years, at Sichuan University. Iwas curious how he ended up there, and he gave me the short version, which we all have to be able to produce, which was that he taught in Montreal for 28 years and decided to do someting different and took early retirment and got this position teaching at Sichuan University. He had a young Chinese girlfriend who also worked in Chengdu and who he was planning to marry. In a year or two he would leave the job and they would travel around the world for a year. He was carrying around a biography of the first Western woman to make it to Tibet, and related the fascinating details of her life story, Alexandar David-Neel. He was clearly captivated by the extraordinary tale of her life and exploits, noting especially that she had undertaken this epic trek to Tibet when she was near fifty. It was good to see someone still that passionate, still searching. B. was in his early sixties but looked at least ten years younger He himself seems to have lived a full life, having fathered three children and had a career and now was embarked on another adventure at a time when most men would have sat back and called it a life. After dinner the four of us retired to a nearby outdoor cafe to drink some beer and B and I continued our converstaion ranging over everything from Camus to contemporary Chinese literature to theories of human rights. Tomorrow morning he is off to Chengdu, where if all goes as planned I will meet up with him. In any case, I feel incredibly fortunate to have met him. One needs such glimpses along the way.